I'm back. It's January. School started again. It's snowy, it's cold and I'm ill. But it's just... the way it supposed to be. I guess. It's really hard to stay focused on this. I think I will close msn and write. Okay. Focus. God, my focus has totally disappeared. Wauw, hello world. Isn't it beautiful? No it fucking isn't. I feel so filled with sarcasm, but it feels wrong to say it out loud. I'm always told I'm mad. Which makes me turn mad. It's really annoying to listen to, when you're not angry and mad. I miss someone. I don't know who that someone is, but my heart has opened a huge hole, that's waiting to be closed. And I don't know how to make it. My life has all become a dream. A little chit for a chat. I smalltalk with everybody but isn't satisfied. The last couple of days I've been isolating me, though I feel in my heart I want to scream out loud. I want somebody to see me. I want somebody that only gives and want nothing in return. Somebody that wont hurt me. Somebody that will take care of me. And protect me. And I know it's just not a friend. It's a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Love is everywhere, but love is nowhere for me to grab it. It has just gone.
I hate that I need you. I hate that I love you. I just don't know who you are. Which is why I hate you. My body is ripped apart. I need someone to tell me that I'm alright. I feel like I have to accomplish something for you. Have to lose weight. Have to wear make-up. Have to get healthy. But I don't want to. My body is huge. Absolute huge. And I know I have to lose some weight. I simply know it. I will only be happy when I become skinny. I will only become happy when I can't see my fat anymore. I've gotten a new hope. But at the same time, my hope has disappeared. My stomach is starving but I don't care. I felt like screaming during history class today, because no one saw me. I felt like I was screaming the loudest I could, but it wasn't possible. Like I was drowning in front of my classmates and nobody saw me. Nobody sees me. And now I want them to. I don't want them to change for me. I want them to see me. I want them to understand that happiness is overrated. I want them to see that my mind constantly wanders the same path. That I hate my body, that I hate my reflection. But if they saw what I see they would feel ashamed of me. Everybody would need to resign from me. Need to take a distance. Because I'm horrible. I see the negative in everything. Absolutely everything. But why? I can point out every girl in my class and I will bet I weigh less than any of them. But I feel so horrible fat. I can point every person in my class, knowing they will be happier than me. I know they have problems too. They say they have been where I am. But I know they haven't. Because down here, you're silently screaming. You are no longer able to help yourself. I am no longer able to help myself. I could be weak too, of course. Which I possibly am. I hurt everybody around me. I hate romance, I hate happiness. I hate it when you say so. I hate it when they do so. But they keep doing it. You keep saying it. And it hurts. A lot.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's alright because I love the way you lie. Lie to me. Lie. Make sure you tell nothing but the lies. Because they keep me alive. I know it's a lie. I know it. I know it all. But keep lying. Because you're doing it perfectly.
