Everybodys fool.

I'm so disappointed in myself. How come my world crashed so much. In the weekend I realized how much more aggressive I've become. My younger sister, whom I'm so proud of and love so much, have lost all of her self confidence. Now she seeks to negative attention and it annoys me so. I took myself in telling myself to totally ignore her. Not because I wanted to. I know that my own development to the worse have affected her so much. So much more than I ever wanted it to. She sees the great person in me. To her I'm an idol. And I'm a horrible one. I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her. I wish I could tell her how amazing she are. But I can't. Not without revealing my depression. And she's so young. Even my mother commented it. Said we have always had something special. The worst is, I've forgotten every positive memory I ever had. Every positive feeling disappears in a few days. I can act. Act so fucking well. So many people tells me to see something positive in myself; i can't. If they ask to tell what I enjoy doing I got no clue. In the moment I enjoy being with my friends but the second I left them, I forget why I enjoyed so much, when it all, in the end, is the feeling of being kicked away. The feeling of not being good enough. And it know it is. Deep down inside I sometimes can push away the negative thoughts and remember the positive. But... It's so rare now. My future is hopeless, my past is forgotten. My present is negative. I have no idea what to do. I'm not even stuck. I'm just.. lost. I know people love me, but it just feels like a lie. All sweet words, all they say. All about never forgetting me. It feels like one big lie. 'There's nothing better than a good lie'. I see it everywhere. Lie. Lie. Lie. I went to the city to buy the christmas presents for my friends and found myself on the edge to tears all the time. Not because I wanted to. Nothing bad had happened that day. It was so depressing knowing that I was meant to be alone. Everybody had someone they where with. Someone they were returning to. I felt like all alone. I was bound to be walking the street in the snow all alone. It was the perfect picture on everything I've ever imagined. A girl walking down the street in snow, no one with her, no one looking at her. That girl was me. That girl is me. That girl will always be me. I don't know why I ever cracked down. I should have just killed myself. Long time ago. The psychiatrist said herself; I'm beyond help. The worst is, it doesn't feel this bad when I'm not thinking about it. I just know it. Deep down inside. I punish everyone around me. Everyone I care about. Everyone I love. They all... get tired of me. They should get. I don't deserve them. But I cannot let go. They are the only feeling of being loved. The only feeling of being able to help anyone. The only feeling of doing anything good in this world. And now I've just disappointed everyone around me.

Yu-chan, I love you so much. I'm so sorry. Really. I am! It's just.. You've done nothing wrong, I have. I'm so sorry I acted that way. My bad. I don't wanna pull you away. I really don't want to. I'm just such a failure. I really hope you understand. I really do. I can only apologize. I love you.. I love you!

I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry. I don't want to anymore. I'm so sick and tired of being me. I'm so sick and tired of acting. I'm so sick and tired of all bad things. I'm so sick and tired of life. I'm sick...

Letter from Ana

Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors", is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature", "intelligent", "14 going on 45", and you possess "so much potential". Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look...fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell you the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all that.
I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while, the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off of that fat tub of a stomach. But it won't be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.
I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, 2 hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurring together as one.
I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount your calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything... if you eat, all the control will be broken...do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will open slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over, you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!
Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no one will listen! Who cares?! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.
I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone that tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely, Ana

------
I know it's weird to post this letter in my blog, I didn't write it, no. I saw a movie, it was mindblowing. And then I found out that it was based on this letter. I searched google and found the letter. Read it. And now my mind has been blown away. I know it is so weird to say but.. What this letter says is true. Though it's not frightening me. More like... pulling me closer. If Ana can give me control why not let her? It sure is written as if she's a bad thing, she IS a bad thing, but.. No, it's just. Yeah. Difficult to explain, really. I could print out this letter, read it everyday and remember why she is such a dear friend. And my depression so makes it much worse..

*SMACK*

This is such a weird feeling. You see, love can be many things. You can fall in love with somebody, you can love a dear friend. Well, americans say love way too much. So honestly, I shouldn't feel this weird. But right now I am. I don't know what to feel actually. I am bisexual. I have felt a strong love for females but... I don't know how to interpret her words!

So, my friend is having a really bad day today. Which I, of course, dislike, but I don't have the power to change it. I just wrote with her. Made she promise she would sleep tonight cuz I don't think she sleeps that much because of personal problems. And it was okay.. Well, still feeling bad about her having a bad day but. She got... a little upset when others were talking about Ana and I understand her, I truly do. Ana is taking away her best friend in real life - so of course I understood. And she said Ana was taking away her best friend url. I am a friend of hers, url. With a personal relationship to Ana. Never saw it as me though. I really wanted to call her 'darling' but I was afraid of doing it.. Have never been, but.. I really was. Called her 'sweety' instead when I couldn't hold it in. But then she asked whether or not you could love somebody you have never met. She doesn't use the words like Americans do - love is a strong word to her. I said 'Yes.', just as that. You know, I believe you can love somebody without having met them. Otherwise I would've failed many times. She said 'Damn' and I said that I would be a living example of that. In the meaning that I have loved people before I met them and still love people I haven't met. And then she said 'Yeah. I swore to myself I would never let myself love anybody I had never met irl. Until I met you --' '. And I was kinda shocked. It's not often you well... is told that. So I wrote that it was unexpected. She wrote 'After I met you, Yuki, SO much have been changed. That's the reason I asked. I DON'T KNOW. Is it therefore? Or is it because you understand me? Or is it both? --' '. And I was like 'WHAT?!'. I don't know if she loves me, I don't know what it is. I didn't even know anything had changed! And I wrote that - not 'what', but.. Well, the other things. And she said it was too much to explain tonight, fair enough - she deals with a lot tonight. But I don't know how to react on it. My heart started pounding, but what if I'm totally wrong about everything. Or what if I'm right? What if I'm in love with her? Would it be alright? How would anybody react? Oh God D:

No..

Honestly, I just need someone to tell there's something wrong with me. When I read about it all - everybody says there is a reason. The depressed ones may have been living in a family with an alcoholic father or whatever. The anoretic ones just.. Just are way too young. The cutting ones (or selfdestructive ones) also may have been living in a family who have had a divorce.

I have nothing. Nothing. No divorce, no alcoholic things. I have simply no reason. Yeah, my confidence in myself is like zero. It never was more than 2 on a scale of 100. So, I would have started to get used to it, right. But I just... don't. Now, when I got friends. I am so... misunderstood. So stupid. And everybody says "make it go away, you're way better than that.", "promise me, you'll do an effort to make it go away." and stuff like that. I would make an effort, but.. How in the world am I supposed to do that? I don't even lose weight fast. Hell.. I'm just the person, sitting here - trying to understand why I feel this way and accept it.

A screenshot of my background.

Well, I just wanted to make a screenshot. :3 Because I had nothing better to do. Well, I have a lot of things that would be better to do.. Anyway.

A screenshot of my background. The first time in my life it have been so clean! oo

I have three other pictures I have been using for backgrounds, and I think you guys are supposed to see what I choose from. (:

A depressed update

Uhm yeah, things aren't working as well as they could.. We have huge assignment to write in december, but I cannot stay focused on it. On school at all. My eyes are totally blank. I don't care whether or not I make my homework, I don't care whether or not my notes are shit, I don't whether or not I'm even in school. To me it could all just go to hell. Shoot me somebody. I have been hoping for the psychiatrist to come, really. I don't feel it's fair to go say 'I cannot focus on school, what the fuck am I doing?!'. So I shut my mouth and wait. And today I received a message. 'You have an appointment with the psychiatrist 1st of december, 9 o'clock'. What the hell?! 1st of December?! There's MANY days to 1st of December.. Damn. And then 9 o'clock. School starts 8.30. So, am I going to have education for half an hour. An hour I cannot even sit still in? I will be crying the half hour before I go to the psychiatrist, so.. God, I have no idea what I do about that. But I definetely will come.
But, to return to 'things aren't working as well as they could'. I had a disagreement with Momma last Wednesday, think I mentioned that, and she said to me that I could go to hell, because I did not appreciate my family at all. And that hurt. It can't even be explained. So I cried. I don't feel guilty, I cannot overcome anything. But if there is one thing I do it is - I love my family and appreciate them in every single possible way. I believe in them and their love. But it's difficult for me to hide my depression and still do all of the things she wants me to. So I've been trying to show them how much I love them and appreciate them. I cooked Friday, and have been cleaning and such all the time. I'm social with them every possible hour. Still I don't feel I do enough for them.
The worst part of it is, that I've been binging so much. It's disgusting. I've been eating cakes, cookies, chocolate, butter, meat, candy. I've been drinking soda. And it's not good. It's really not good. I miss Ana. I miss her so much. I'm unhappy without her and I feel guilty. I feel so guilty when I'm eating all though I'm not hungry. What in the world is wrong with me?! In school I focus on my fat, on not eating. I mean, my class only sees me eat once in a while (in the meaning of once every third month) but when I'm home I eat way too much without being hungry. And why? Because I lack control. If I had the possibility I would throw away everything tasty, every piece of food. But I can't. So now, I'm longing to live alone. Honestly, I could move out right now in my own apartment, just to make sure that control would come back to me and I wouldn't be disappointing Ana and ED. I wrote to Baga that I cried because I've been eating. I did cry. It was horrible. So I jumped half an hour. And for what reason - making it better.
One good thing of all these disasters is that I have finally cut myself to bleed. I did start bleeding and it felt good. So I cut deeper and deeper and bled a little more. And I'm proud of my scars, damn I'm proud of them. My cooking knifes really are sharp, and I love them. They're beautiful. So, when I'm really down someday I wonder whether or not I would cut on my wrist and make it bleed. If I do so, I have to write my goodbye-letters. I've actually wanted to write my goodbye-letters for a long time.
I think I'm done. No, I'm not - but I wanna end this before someone sees it and orders me to tell.

Sarah..

Sarah and I have become 'weight loss buddies'. We both have anoretic eating habits, and we both try to lose 8-10 kg. So that feels great. Just had to write it.
Thank you Sarah. ♥

Jeez...

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

So why am I still fat? Why am I still eating? I hate breakfast today. THE ONLY DAY I HAD THE POSSIBILITY TO SKIP IT! And no, I did not feel hungry at all. It was for the sake of my class. But what the hell is that kind of thing?! ARG! Damn, I suck... I really does. I eat all the time ): But paps is making pasta for me tonight and for me only. Which means a low calories dinner tonight..

And my cellphone is not working. D: This weeks has definetely not been my week. I was depressed monday, sick tuesday, arguing with my mother and being depressed wednesday, binging thursday and binging today if I NOT STAY FOCUSED! I have to stay focused on not eating. You're starving Yuki, starving. And you love it!

But, I've started to wearing stilettoes more. Which is good, burns more calories and makes my leg looking prettier. I just have to lose weight. I have to buy my corset. Or my corsets, to be more precise. First, they look amazing. A corset is a beautiful piece of clothing. Second, they is to tight that it makes it difficult for you to eat. Or they can be that tight. Third, they hides all that fat I'm carrying. Honestly, I need a corset or 20. I wanna wish that for christmas and birthday and hope my friends will find one for me..

Sigh, I'm finished. This just sucked.

Perfect sarkasm

"Anyone can be suffering from an ED"

Why can't I?! Anyone would include me but... it just seems it doesn't. I hate to eat. I don't even feel hungry. But I somehow just need to eat sometimes. My breakfast is almost nothing, but at lunch I eat 2-4 crispbread with tuna or mackerel. Sometimes I eat a lot for dinner and other times I eat nothing. I still drink absolutely nothing, it's just a bad habit I can't change now. Even when I need water. If I could just skip the tuna or the mackerel the 2 crispbread would be alright, cuz they're only 80 cal. But I just can't. I want to throw it out and sit and cry when I've eaten but I can't. When I start focusing on food I need something to remove my focus but I cannot find the thing that removes my focus. So it'll end with me eating, me feeling guilty and then cutting to punish myself for eating. The only place I want to cut is my wrist, just over my artery. It's the only place I feel.... I feel I get punished enough. My arm isn't good enough. Well, my arm is good enough when I want it to bleed. When I just want to feel pain, I cut my wrist. If I push a little too hard I might make it bleed. If I make it bleed I seriously don't know what I would do. Whether I would leave it bleeding or not.
I know I have a time to the psychiatrist but I feel like I need her/him now. Not thursday. Now. I'm suffering from dizzyness and headache all the time and I can't overcome school anymore. It's not because I don't want to go to school. I do want to. But I can't. I simply can't. I'm so caught when I'm in school. Monday I sat all crumbled up. Okay, I was freezing, but we were writing stuff down when we saw some goth pictures and all I saw was 'loneliness', 'death' and 'fear'. I saw a left alone ruined castle that reminded me of myself. Alone, difficult to reach and ruined. I don't know why. Our English teacher showed us a picture of a monster, to everybody else but me it was Frankenstein, but this "Frankenstein" was blocking the doorway out in the light. I, as the only one in the entire classroom, noticed this. Possibly because I feel something is blocking my doorway. I need my teachers to know what I feel. Why I crumble up. Why I sometimes is so... difficult to reach. But no. I'll just regret it if I say something..

If it's not what you're made of..?

I just needed a hell lot of thoughts out of my mind, but the title to this blogspot is... well-saying. Let's say it's a thing I've been wondering over a lot. Maybe too much.

I spended the weekend with Rachs. And I had a great time, really. We went to the cinema, saw a really cute movie, went home, laughed, talked, got really close. It felt... awesome. I'm still surprised how strong she was when we talked about her father and Snuppi. I know it's time since her father died, but. Wauw.. And I know she's weak sometimes, but again, it really felt like a strong person. But, when I talked to Baga I realised that when you experience something unpleasant you learn to live with it. Baga's story surprised me. Well, I have guessed her father was an alcoholic. But I've never in my life thought that anyone could have such a life. It made me so unworthy of feeling depressed. So, I talked to Yu-chan today too. And she's in love. Somehow so obvious, but she has to figure out her own life before she does anything more complicated. She's so busy anyway. And she's so worried for me. It made me feel guilty. I'm crumbling into my own cage now, to make sure that nobody worries. Eating makes me feel bad, but I still eat. I can't get away with not eating. I'm not even hungry, and when I am... Well, it makes me feel good when I feel my stomach say things and scream for food. But... I don't know why I do still eat. I don't know anything.
I feel so unworthy of living but I know people care. It just hurts so much. It hurts when people around me are depressed because.. Because I feel like it's my fault. I did this to them. I made them feel like this. I know I did not, but.. When people tell me they want to go and never return it just hurts so much. If anyone was supposed to go and never return it was me. I'll just shut up and go somewhere else. I need to disappear for a while.. Screw school!

Blogchallenge #7

I decided not to finish the blogchallenges, but there was one last challenge that I wanted to bring up. Number 7. It said 'a picture of you and your best friend'.

I've already posted blogposts about this friendship. I've mentioned this friend way too many times in my blog. But so what? It doesn't matter at all. Cuz she means my life to me. I've said it before. If she dies - I go commit suicide before anyone can stop me. That's not even a question. I will not be separated from her.

Yeah, it's Bim. Not a surprise to any of you, huh? Well no. I don't even know what to write more. So.. I love her. Love isn't big enough.

Blogchallenge #5 and #6

Yeah, I said I would wait a day for blogchallenge #5 so, here is a picture of me from 2007. Never said I was pretty though. :3

Blogchallenge #6
Well, yeah - A website I use daily would be gSm. ^^

Exercise

I've decided to finally make my thinspiration-book. And since I'm mentally ill today and cannot go to school because I fear a break-down, I've decided to do it today. Nobody is going to find out this way either. Fits perfectly. Yesterday I walked home from school - burned 700 calories. Well, 700 calories is a great deal of burning, but. Oh, for crying out loud, it's not enough! So, I made a list of accepted food, all with the amount of calories less than 100. Which means no more meat, no more butter and no more candy/chocolate/chips. It's over and out. 400 calories is just way too much! It's rather disgusting actually. I'm still forced to eat breakfast and dinner, though it seems my parents let me sleep longer and longer and in the end that may result in me not eating breakfast with the rest of the family = allows me to eat no breakfast. I don't eat lunch anymore, lunch.. is disgusting. It's just too many calories. Momma started to believe that salad is good so now she takes the time to make salad. Fewer calories for Yuki!! So, now I just have to stick to my list, not getting tempted, drink a hell lot of water and believe in the fact that I'm losing some weight. Sometimes. God, I hope that I can lower my BMI to 17. I can, I know I can. Well, Papa talked to me yesterday about getting my own place to live. Getting my own place to live means control. It simply means control. And it's so fucking great. I'm really into it now. If they can't see what I eat, I can just eat simply nothing but carrots. I started to check out the amount of calories on everything, simply everything. Before I eat (or don't eat) I check the amount of calories. Over 100? I don't eat it. That's just simple.
So, now that I have gotten my calories more or less into control I just have to start doing some exercise. I wont be walking home from school every day just to burn 700 calories. Almost 16 km. is just a long way to go and it's takes a long time. I should be walking tree times a month or so. I have to dance for at least in hour when I come home. Well, jumping will be more correct though. Jumping at least an hour. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I will never be bicycling to Odense, it'll be too long, though it's only 17 km. It just... feels that long way. So no. I'm still a little too lazy to burn calories that way. Mia has finally got away, I don't puke anymore. Now I just cut as a punishment. But it's okay. I disliked Mia, so I'm glad it's only Ana and I. Welcome in the world, thinspirationbook. You're my need when I'm dealing with the calories and today you're born.

Colin and skipping a blogchallenge.

I'll be waiting with the next blogchallenge 'till tomorrow, cuz I have to go searching for a picture of me from 2007 and it'll be a looooong search. So, I'll just post a picture of Colin <3 God, I asked Josse if I could marry him but he's 39. >< I'm so disappointed he's that old cuz he's absolute gorgeous! Uhm, hottie!! <3

He could be my dad. --' It would be gross marrying someone that old, but if he had been 29, I would have married him! Ö

Spontanious trip to Aya.

I had an amazing day with Aya today. I wasn't nervous for meeting her parents or her again, though I have been so unsure whether or not I was just the connection between her and Bim. But it really felt like she liked me. That she had fun with me, wanted to be my friend. And it was amazing. It cannot be described. I'm so happy I did this, because what Aya has turned out to mean to me is a lot. Though she's unsure for this fact. But it hurts so much when Bim tells me she's writing with Aya or when Aya tells thing before I do. I feel so... forgotten. I so will be regretting posting this blog. But I'm doing it anyway.

On my way home I was happy, I was relaxed and I was just remembering a great day. And then I met Bim and Nadja. And... It was fantastic and it was horrible. I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm losing control with everything. It just.. seems like I'm forgotten. Someone changed and I don't know if it's me. I don't know why it feels so wrong to introduce people. I don't know why it hurts so much to see my friends being together. I don't want common friends, I just want my friends. I feel like I'm being lied to, because this way it wont hurt my feelings - but it hurts so much more. Am I only good for lies? Why is people around me changing? Why am I changing? Somehow I only feel comfortable when I'm with Mai and Rachs.. I don't know why. It just feels like they... like me for me. And don't care that I got other friends. That they don't care that I'm depressive. They're happy when I'm happy and they're doing everything to cheer me up when I'm down. It sounds wrong! Sarah and Aya talks to me when I'm down, they're explaning my feelings to me. Asks me to go get some help. They're hoping and praying. Mai and Rachs are... well, freaky people but their love for me is huge and it's shown. Bim loves me. I can't do this. I'll be regretting way too much if I continue. Shut up Yuki. Shut up. Simply. Hide it away and forget it..

Ich bin frei im freien Fall

Ich kann nicht mehr anders

Blogchallenge #4

This blogchallenge is to post a picture I've taken myself. And it wasn't difficult to find a picture I've taken myself but it was difficult to find the right one.
I chose this picture because it's means a lot to me. The text is danish and means 'heart pathway'. Well, it just means a lot to me. Shows the pathway to my heart, it's something I have to search for.

Fail cutting?

I'm still feeling like I'm the wrong kind of cutter.. Because I don't need to see blood, I just need to see evidence. Evidence that I really AM cutting. It's a punishment when I've been eating too many calories, it's a way to flee when I need to flee. But although it helps me out, making this damage, it also feels kinda weird. The knife is so close to me, but it feel like it takes a lot to grab the knife and cut. But when I do cut it feels so great. Am I really the wrong kind of cutter? Am I just some psychopatic wannabee? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong?" when nothing's right.

Well..

In her memories she is searching. On this day, in this moment, for someone under the full moon.

Blogchallenge #3

Blogchallenge #3 today.

So, the challenge today is to describe what I did today.

I woke up at 6.15 AM (which was horrible early) because my sister was going to take a bath after me. Well, woke up, took a bath, ate breakfast, look at my room and promised myself that I HAVE to clean it up, soon. At 8 AM I went to school in the bus, nothing special. Had lessons about the old Greece first, then Biology and last (but not least) philosophy. Then I went to the city to go shopping and I bought a pair of Iron Fist stilettoes, a book, Bones season 1+2 and the newest Vogue Magazine for my collection. On my way home I met Momma in the bus and we went home together, she carried my bags (a) Now I'm sitting here, writing with Aya about tomorrow where I will be visiting her, writing with Rachs about the weekend where we will go to the cinema and afterwards having a sleepover and writing with Bim about... about everything. ^^ Tomorrow I'm having a day off (which is why I'm visiting Aya) so, it'll be awesome.

I love Iron Fist. <3 (I just needed to say it)

Christmas list for friends.

Hei ^^ I wanted to make a dream-christmas/birthday-list for my friends. ^^ <3

- Ed Hardy Vodka (just because Ed Hardy is awesome!)
- Ed Hardy Casablanca Wedge Heel (Black, white and pink)
- Ed Hardy Hoodies

- Louis Vuitton Marilyn Handbag
- Louis Vuitton Keepall 50
- Louis Vuitton Pegase 65
- Louis Vuitton Passport Cover
- Louis Vuitton Toiletry Bag 25
- Louis Vuitton Sarah Wallet
- Louis Vuitton iPod Case
- Louis Vuitton Initiales Damier Azur Belt
- Louis Vuitton Leopard Stole
- Louis Vuitton Paliettes Monogram Shawl
- Louis Vuitton Baxter Dog Leash GM
- Louis Vuitton Baxter Dog Collar GM
- Louis Vuitton Giboulées Umbrella
- Louis Vuitton Silvania Ring
- Louis Vuitton Inclusion Hoops

- Jimmy Choo Alanis
- Jimmy Choo Frill
- Jimmy Choo Darcy
- Jimmy Choo Aurora
- Jimmy Choo Pablo
- Jimmy Choo Quiet

- A lot of Tokio Hotel stuff (incl. music)
- t.A.T.u. music
- SHINee music
- L'Arc~En~Ciel music
- Fall Out Boy music
- Cinema Bizarre fan merc. incl Final Attraction

- Clothes from HotTopic
- Christian Louboutin stilettoes
- Evening gowns
- A travel to Japan
- Hotelstay in Berlin on the Grand Hotel Esplanade Berlin
- A Blackberry
- Hello Kitty teddy
- Wigs
- Nailpolish
- Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle (manga + anime)
- Absolute Boyfriend (manga)
- Shugo Chara! (manga)
- Ouran High School Host Club (manga + anime)
- D.N.Angel (manga + anime)
- Tiffany's Jewelry

More will be added, I simply know it! xD

And more will definetely come! XD

Han Jun.

Just couldn't let him go. <3 Uhm, I don't know why I'm posting him in my blog actually. He reminds me of Kiro, the way he moves and his attitude. Though their looks aren't the same, they're still so alike. It's really amazing to know that out there another Kiro is making music. But Han Jun sure is from Asia, from Korea. But it's great. Han Jun, I could fall in love with you - that sucks.

I want to make an update for today. I started writing to Rachel that I missed writing with her (I wrote with her yesterday T_T) and she answered me. I was quite surprised cuz I thought her phone had run out of money. Anyway, we wrote and she begged and begged me to go ask for a psychiatrist. I tell you, I was really nervous! But after biology I pulled myself together and went straight to the 'studyguide's room and we talked about me, about Ana, about cutting. About everything in the last couple of days. And she was nervous for me - it's was SO obvious in her eyes. They were really saying 'fear'. And I don't know why they did that - but they did. And she asked me whether or not we should make a deal with the school-psychiatrist that comes every Thursday and I agreed. A psychiatrist was the reason I seeked her out so. But talking with her made me late for English class, but it was okay - nobody said anything to it. My English teacher wanted to hand back some old paper and damn, I was nervous. I had written a short story and it dealt with a hell lot of my own feelings and then she said "I wanna talk to you in the break.". The note was a B+, so I was really happy and when she saw me in the break she said that it was really'really good, she had never read anything this good and the only reason I haven't got a A was because it was too long. That sucked, but B+ was cool. When I came home Momma talked to me about studying after High School and Daddy (really surprisingly) backed me up so much when I started about studying German. Like, he really wanted me to study German - he shot down all of Momma's arguments. That was really cool. So, maybe I'm going to study German. Of other stuff I have been telling my friends about the psychiatrist. I think they deserve to know that I have finally seeked help and all of them felt like they were relieved and happy that I did it. So, rather nice - but weird day. ^^

Blogchallenge #2

Blogchallenge #2 xD

Today's challenge is to write the meaning of my blogname. And unlike a lot of my friends whose blog I read mine actually have gotten a really deep meaning.

So, here's the story.

I wanted to make a blog but I didn't want to call it stuff like 'Yuki's heaven' and such. It needed to be something... special. Something in particular. Something that characterized me. So I asked Yu-chan if she had any idea - anything was acceptable. And she asked if it could be named 'Behind The Sunshine'. In the beginning I found the name pretty cool. 'Behind The Sunshine' - it had an awesome sound to it. So I named by blog 'Behind The Sunshine' and then I got aware, that it really meant something to me. My blog was the only place I could tell everybody about what happened behind my facade. Of course I could tell my friends something, but my blog became (and still is) the place where I could write everything down. Everything that wasn't supposed to be seen by everybody. So, my blog really is my place 'behind the sunshine'.
- A reason to all the depressive stuff.

^___^ <3

Salt in the wound, eh?

How do you say that in english? I'm wondering right now - it's could be really useful! o_o'
Well, somebody does something believing it's good - though it's only cutting deeper. I'm glad I finally got other friends I love and care about. I'm glad not everybody is a part of that group. I'm glad I got you guys. <3

Blogchallenge #1

So, first challenge. ^^ I'm in a happy mode even though I'm having an extremely headache so my blogpost today will be rather cheerful xD Enjoy! oo

First challenge is a picture of me, taken not long time ago, and 5 random facts. n_n

Picture of me - from the Harry Potter festival on the 19th of October. <3

5 random facts:
1. I looooove t.A.T.u. <3
2. I'm a stilettoe-freak and love Jimmy Choo the most.
3. I'm a poor'poor girl. XD lol
4. I love russian, japanese, korean and german. <3
5. I dislike most chocolate. ö

Blogchallenge

BLOGCHALLENGE!! XD

Saw it first time at Katja's blog, but it's a picture - ON DANISH! Ö So, i'll translate it and write it on english (y) Yuki IS clever, sometimes. XD

1. A picture of you, taken not long ago and 5 random facts.
2. The meaning of your blog name.
3. What you did today.
4. A picture you've taken.
5. A picture of you from 2007.
6. A webside you use daily.
7. A picture of you and your dearest friend.
8. Yours 'to do' this month and why?
9. Something you're proud of, from the last month.
10. Some foodproduct you could live of.
11. A youtubevideo you especially like.
12. How you found blogspot and why you're blogging.
13. Your celebrity crush.
14. A picture of you and your family.
15. Mention the first 10 songs on you iPod/MP3/PC when it's on shuffle.
16. A picture of you from today.
17. Something you made on your own.
18. The last movie you watched.
19. Your petnames and the reason you have them.
20. A picture that makes you smile.
21. A screenshot of the desk on your computer.
22. Your favorite album.
23. The last thing you ate and drank.
24. Whatever you like.
25. What you got in your bag.
26. Favorite band at the moment.
27. A collection you got.
28. A picture of you from last year and this year - and how you changed.
29. The outfit of today.
30. Where you are in 5 years?

Why is it so easy?

Why is it so easy to cry right now? I thought I was tough. That I could handle everything.
Why is it so easy to be fragile right now? I thought I could stand every pain.
Why is it so easy to flee right now? I thought I was able to live my life with no regret.
Why is it so easy to punish right now? I thought I was never going to hate anybody this way.
Why is it so easy to scream silently right now? I thought I would be able to say the words.
Why is it so easy to ignore right now? I thought I would push away myself for everybody.

Why is it so extremely hard to say it out loud to the people I love?!
Why is it so extremely hard to die?!
Why is it so extremely hard to admit it?!
Why is it so extremely hard to scream out loud?!
Why is it so extremely hard to get out of this cocoon?!

Just some video

Just an amazing song, I fell in love with. <3 It's K-pop btw. Uhm, I don't know what to say.. I just love that song. And the guys are SO good looking! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
TOUCH ftw. <3

Future?

Right now, I'm sitting here in my friend Mari's house, while she's taking a bath. I'm here to go to some 'see-how-it-is-to-study-on-university'-thing. And... Uhm, yearh. I was offered a place in the Biology class but I never heard from the Biology class though my school said I was going, so I wrote a mail but did not check the answer until today. BUT (because there is a 'but'), the thing is - it all started today. So, I took off with Mari and went with her to the Japan-studies.. And of course I wasn't on that checklist.. Now I just have checked my mail, it says that I'm in the Biology class, but now when I didn't get the first day in Biology, I somehow just want to continue in Japanstudies.. I have been wondering to go to Japanstudies, I did ask for a place in Japanstudies and today I just followed them. I was horrified the entire day. So, now I have to tell Mari that actually I was placed on Biology and that we have to hunt down an office tomorrow because I have to ask whether I can be transferred to Japanstudies in the last two days.. I hate this.

But what will future bring? I don't know. I have too many ideas, too many things I want. I love Japan, but I see no future in studying Japan, I mean - what could I use that to? I like biology, but I'm not that kind of scientist and I don't see myself in a lab. I love English and German, but what future would there be in studying that?! I love Russia, but - same problem as Japan. I love music, but I'm not good enough to do it for a living. I love writing short stories and novell's but I'm not good enough to do that for a living too + it takes success too. So. The only thing I actually "want" is to go to the hospital, say "I'm mentally unstable, help me!" T_T' Sigh, x__x'

Wer bin ich?

I'm always telling depressive stuff in here. You sure must wonder, why I just didn't kill myself? That would save you and it would save me. Easy'easy. No. It's not that easy as it seems. If just it were. But it isn't. It kills me. It surely must want to kill me. Somehow.
I'm still wondering when will she will seek me. Does she honestly believe I would ever go to her? She has to be insane then. I told her last time, that I dwelt with my own problems myself. I cannot rely on anybody else to understand. Maybe that's why I'm telling myself I'm fat? Maybe that's why I'm writing depressive all the time? I'm screaming for help. A help that nobody hears. It could be killing me. Before I felt this way I couldn't imagine people calling secretly for help. I didn't understand people cutting and crying. I simply didn't understand psycological pain. It was a totally hidden place. And now it feels like home. That's rather funny. How I never knew anything and now suddenly knows everything. If I could return to the me that had never experienced this pain, I don't know if I wanted to. I have always been giving so much of myself for the sake of everybody else. To make sure they were happy. I've always been hiding. But it never felt like pain. It never felt like I had to cut myself. I remember a friend of mine telling me that she was cutting. It was an old knife, hardly sharp enough to make any scrath in her skin. But she found comfort in it. And my mind was really like 'cutting is gross. It's just something stupid people do'. Whether I'm stupid or not, I don't know - but I cut. My knife isn't sharp, though it's worse than her. I seek my neel, I seek my knife, I seek my scissor. I wonder if my parents haven't been wondering where that knife went, but I hide it. So they're never going to find out what I'm doing. Sometimes I long after taking one of the really knifes. One of those who can cut tomatoes like it was bananas. You know - a really sharp knife, that would cut me deep. But I'm afraid of doing it. When someone crashes something made of glass, I feel like hurrying so I make sure I get a piece of the broken glass. If anyone knew this. If anyone knew. It's punishment and it's comfort. I comfort myself when I feel like crying. I never bled because of my cutting, but I made visible scars, scars I'll never get rid off. Though they're only visible to me because I knew exactly where they are. I knew exactly what made them. It's so freaky. I cut as a punishment, when I've been eating way too much. My lunch is water. Simply water. I puke when I enter school, to make sure breakfast isn't down there anymore. Though breakfast isn't a lot. And when I'm home in the evening I cut to punish myself because I ate dinner. What kind of world am I living in?! A pro-anoretic, cutting, depressive world. And nobody sees me. I'm never wearing clothing that shows my body anymore. Because it's scares me that other people will see my fat. I'm so focused on getting no calories, I can't talk about everything. I calculate food into calories! Two of my classmates bought two different plates of food. First, I found both of them gross because there was SO many calories in that food! Second, I told one of them, she was better than the other because she had fewer calories in her food. C'mon - how low is that?! I don't know what's wrong with me. I never did that before.
To come back to the title. You see - I've lost myself in this world. Wer bin ich?

Am I interesting?

Someone told me my thoughts was interesting to read. That someone was my english teacher. Because she gave us some test - some grammartest. And she told us to make sure, that when we were finished we would just write something. Something like this - like, when I write my blog. And that day, my mind fled somewhere else. Debbie came back, Ana at by my side and Misty hugged me. I was surrounded by the wrong "friends". You know. So I just wrote it. Wrote that I sucked, wrote that my mind was off somewhere else. Told about my depressive thoughts, wrote about Ana and Aya. About everything and it was really depressive - really. But on top of that, it wasn't showing me being as depressed as I usually is. But she said that it was good - really good. And that it was INTERESTING TO READ! But no, it wasn't! After I delivered the test back I was nervous someone would hunt me down. Somebody would beg me to tell how I felt - but she hasn't been here. I really have thought of asking for a psychiatrist, but oh, it's so fucking frightening. I'm better off without saying a single word. I wonder what she'll say when she read my next paper. Cuz it's even more depressing and it's showing my cutting. Well - if she can guess it's me. She doesn't have to be sure. But... I kinda find it easy to figure out. I'm calling silently for help. It sucks!

Go die Yuki, go die. Everybody´s better off without you.

Spamming.

I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you! I love you!

- Hopefully you'll understand.  ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! I miss you!

- For Gods sake, if you only knew! ♥ 

I'm spamming my blog. T_T''

Thanks to..

Thanks to Mai for the background. I love that picture and it so fit to me. So, thank you for making it. You're a Goddess and I love you. ♥

I do hate life.

What a depressive title. I wasn't even because I wanted this blogpost to be depressive. I just wanted to write my thoughts down - they will possibly turn depressive at some point.
WARNING: WEIRD THOUGHTS - MAKE NO SENSE.
Ready, set, GO.

Since Tuesday I've had this weird mood. I'm never really mad, I'm never really sad. But I'm not happy at the same time. It's like I'm cold and cynical and again, it feels like I've got so much selfconfidence. When I walk, when I sing. I screw on every people I meet who is looking at me like I'm some psycho. Yet it affects me even more when the people I love are hurt or worse. That doesn't sound cold and cynical. But I really feel frozen. At some point. I'm afraid of losing people everywhere near me even though I know I wont. Sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from being proud of the people whom I love. Just to make sure they wont leave me. It's so awkward! I don't even know why. I don't even know a fucking shit about my mind right now. I wanna go all emo and cut the night long - but then, I just feel like not doing it, because I know it'll bring back some thoughts I've happier without. L.I.A.R.
Should never have written that. Now I'm clinging onto my arm to make sure, I'm not going to hurt myself more than good is. But it's not just this. It's everything. I've been saying that I am bisexual - now I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea what is wrong with me. The only guy I have EVER felt attracted to is Marcel - though he is attracting me more than anybody. But that is fake attraction. Now I start dreaming about Bill. I mean, that's not good. Wauw - if only somebody would read this and give me the chance to look them both in the eye and say sorry. I don't know why I would be the one to apologize, but it feels right. I have to apologize for being attracted by them. They did nothing but doing their job, enjoying it. They do nothing but doing their job and they're still enjoying what they're doing. Why can't I just forget about them?! Why do I have to have this weird feelings. And suddenly my mind made up another potential girlfriend. I don't know why. Nobody should be talking to me and then she suddenly just asked me questions. Not weird, we were having a complete normal conversation, but then she went to the private chat and disappeared. Does she know I'm bisexual? I know she's a lesbian. Whoa whoa whoa - cut it Yuki. It sure gets too confusing for everybody to follow through - including you. My mind is a mess.
I feel like crying but I cannot. I miss Cinema Bizarre. It's not just they guys - they have their lifes. They're amazing. It's not just the music. It's the feeling they brought to me. The feeling of hope. Of pureness. Of... Of life. It's just not the same. I have never felt a longing this much to something I cannot hold. It's like sand slipping out of my fist. I cannot hold onto it, though I try hard. I try harder than anything. I could be screaming in sleep - screaming for Cinema Bizarre. But in the mess of missing Cinema Bizarre, I'm grateful to Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel is definetely not Cinema Bizarre and they will never be. But they brought some of that pureness back to my life. Hope disappeared with Cinema Bizarre but Tokio Hotel brought back a little piece of my life. A little fact. They saved me when Cinema Bizarre broke up. Was torn apart. On my wall a lot of Tokio Hotel quotes hang - over my mirror. The ones who catches the eye the most are 'I'm crashing' and 'Don't you panic'. Well - they're songquotes, yeah sure. They are. But c'mon. You would know me well enough to know that this is more than just quotes from two songs. Those are two sentences my life are build upon. I never really thought about before now, but they are. I am crashing - that's a fact. But I try to stay controlled. Sinking in control. I cannot panic - then everybody will know about this.
I'm a bad girl. Not obvious - I hide a lot of facts, apparently. I'm stalking people I love and people I hate. I'm happy when it goes the people I dislike bad. I'm so happy about it. I want them to go die in hell, for what they did to me. But the fact is, they only did it to me. So why do I wish them this bad luck - because I'm a bad human being. What would be another explanation? God, if only I could disappear. But I can't. That would be letting Katja down. And I can't let her down. People can say what they want to say - they often say what they want to, though they aren't allowed, but I can never let her down. No matter how sad my life feels. And nobody seems to understand. Why doesn't anybody understand me? I'm all alone in this. Nobody has ever connected to another human being this way. It's not even love. It's something deeper. I'm not in love with Katja - I'm afraid of losing her. I think my fear may is connecting the bond to her even more. Complicated stuff, complicated stuff - shut up Yuki.
I don't want to lie anymore but I don't want to tell the thruth either. That's what's makes it so difficult for me to do this shit. No, not writing blog - it's rather easy for me to do cuz nobody is going to read it. Especially not when I'm making these long blogposts. Nobody wants to. Nobody cares for me. Uhm, I actually wanted to comment my name in this blogpost too. When I realized the true meaning of my name I was all "I AM really a rare person". All shit. And I told Rachs and I told Katja. Rachs thought it was nice - that was her only comment. Katja was more like "that's true. You are a rare person. I've never met anyone like you. There's only one of you." I felt so "noooo", and at the same time I was really touched at this. It was like backing up my own thoughts, but these were so much more serious. They were said in thruth. Mine wasn't. It confused me, I think. So now, I'm just honoured it's my name.
I really could be babling for hours, but I don't have the time and I don't really want to make that long a blogpost. It will creep everybody who enters my blog totally out. So, goodnight. Sleep tight, sweet dreams and do not have this complicated mind. It sucks.

My name.

I just had to inform you guys.

You all know my name is Yukiko. But how many of you knew the meaning behind the name?
My parents always told me it was 'snow child' (whether they hid the right meaning or just didn't knew better - no idea), but I just found out it means 'rare child'. It's an honour to carry that name with me. <3

More Harry Potter.

Uhm, yearh.. I wanna write in this blogpost. <3

So, I went to Harry Potter day. When I woke I really felt nervous. Extremely freaky!! But I was fucking nervous for everything. >< When clock stroke 10 AM I hurried to Odense, and it took sooooo long time, cuz I knew I had to be there when Aya arrived. :D Put on my hair, the pink. Oh, yeah - I got my pink wig yesterday. I had NEVER believed that would happen! o_o' But it diiid. So freaking awesome. <3
Well, well - went to see Aya and we had so much fun. Oh, I love Aya. She really is an amazing friend. She hugged me almost all the time, I like hugging Aya. <3 Now I'm even more "Aya is SUCH a dear friend to me!!" than before and before it was a lot, cuz Aya called me often XD But, we stood in line waiting for J.K. Rowling, talked to some freaky guys, thinkíng they were cool but... Ahaha, they weren't! XD And we saw dressed-up wizards, damn, it was cool. I didn't got a rose from mr. Lockheart. ): Poor me.
Naaah, Bim and Nadja came twenty minutes before J.K. arrived and then... J.K. ARRIVED! Damn, she looked so young. She was so pretty. Aya got her autograph, I forgot my book. ): But, we were all like "I'VE SEEN J.K.ROWLING!!!!" and we took a hell lot of funny pictures xD And the churchbells rang the Harry Potter theme - so AWESOME! Then we went eating, and we met Rachs and Louise! ^^, Louise reminded me of Stina. XD Pretty people. :D
I met Kisa and some of her friends too, wauw.. It was so freaking awesome. I cannot believe I've been there. Some deatheaters (dressed-up ofc) walked around and Aya pushed me into them and then they threathened me with their wands. Ö Ahaha, I loved this day. Thank God, I loved it. <3
This is a memorie for a lifetime. I got so much closer to everybody, during today. Ofc Aya <3  I talk WAAAAY too much about Aya. XD
I will talk about Bim, then. o_o' Biiiiim, my girl. <3 I am SO'SO'SO happy she was there. It was so freaking awesome. Being hyped. ^^

This is fucked up - this is gonna be the only blogpost being this happy XD Remember it, like I will remember this day forever.
~Yuki <3

Harry Potter day.

Okay, I will just post pictures in here. ^^ I need to just post pictures in here. XD

J.K. Rowling, signing Aya's book. <3 I've seen her in reality! oo

Aya, Yuki and Bim. <3 Lovely day, lovely day. Amazing people!! <3

Yuki being treathed by the Deatheaters. <3 It was SO fun!!

Mad world.

So, I guess I'm back to the depressive again. My brother plays the piano beautifully and yesterday he played a song I knew I had heard before but it wasn't possible for me to place an artist. My brother didn't knew. He just played it. And then I realized - it was 'Mad World' by Gary Jule. Went straight into my computer and found the song on youtube. My brother agreed, beautiful song. At that time I was lost into that song. I haven't heard anything but it since yesterday. The lyrics fit to me. I see myself singing that song. Especially one sentence means a lot. 'The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had'. It's a true sentence. Though the dreams in which I'm dying are the most horrifying too. 'No one knew me - no one knew me'. 'Look right through me - look right through me'.

I should post the lyrics in here, but I don't want to. If anyone wants to listen to the song, they're welcome. I don't whether I'm being depressive is because I feel bad physically or not. It's just like - this song really made my mind turn upside down. It made me wonder, it made me remember. It describes everything so perfectly fine. And well, it is a mad world. It cannot be denied.
~ Yuki.

Berlin, bby and Harry Potter.

YO!
I'm happy today (: I have had my moodswings and I actually almost cried, but never mind that. I will be talking about the thoughts I have in my head right now - cuz they're happy.

Tomorrow I'm going to Odense with Bim and Aya. We're going to meet Kisa and her friend, if Loch Ness joins - she joins, Aya might have a friend called Erick who will join too. And I'm just so looking forward to it, because.. Oh, I miss Bim so it's going to be FAN-TAS-TIC to see her again, I'm looking forward to meet Aya cuz we've been talking so good the last couple of days and such and I'm looking forward to meet Kisa face to face. I dunno how I feel about Erick, but. Nevermind that - nobody is going to screw up my day. And I hope that Bim will feel appreciated by everyone. I'm the only one knowing everybody - it's kinda screwed. I suck to arrange these meetings, but it doesn't matter. ^^

Yeah, Berlin - in the topic. (y) Because I know what I wanna do in my winterholiday. I wanna go to Berlin with a dear friend. I have no idea which friend yet, but it will need to be someone I can stand an entire week. XD Right now, I'm considering Bim and Aya, but I have noooooo idea. (y) We will be licing in Grand Hotel Esplanade Berlin - a 5 star hotel in the middle of Berlin. I mean, can it get any better? No it cannot! It's going to be the mest vacation in my entire life! It will be something new, something amazing. Something I want to fun. Partying in Berlin, shopping, meeting people. Getting an idea of what it will say living in Berlin, when I move down there. Oh wauw. <3 Mmmh, so looking forward and I don't even got the money. Nevermind, I'll ask people for money when it turns christmas and my birthday. : D <3 YAY!

~Yuki out <3

Punishment

I just need this out of my world. Cuz my life sucks. It have been this way for a couple of weeks now and my mind simply cannot let go. Not this time. Last time I wrote depressive I was begging someone to kill me. Now I'm begging someone to remove me from this hell I'm living in.

Katja and I had an argument. No, it wasn't like an argument. But I was devastated anyway. And I really cried. Felt like a bad friend. Everybody tells me "Why did you feel like a bad friend?" but I did. I really did. I was horrible, stupid. This wasn't the thing it was supposed to be. Why wasn't everything happiness? Like someone once proved me. But he didn't kept his promised. It tore me apart, my heart was broken. I spoke with Katja, we cleared it all out. But I still felt bad about it. Still felt like a worthless worm. I was good for nothing. I was just a sad silhouette. Something everybody was better off without. That evening I let the knife run over my skin. The scissor and the neel. And I didn't felt the pain. Which made it so much better. Hated my self for the fact that I was cutting. But it felt so nice. It felt like this was the only thing I was supposed to do. To punish myself for what I had done in my entire life. For everything I haven't done in my entire life. It somehow made me happy. Then I got this obsession with calories. Started to focus on burning them 24/7. Wanted them out. Hated them. Ate almost nothing but carrots and water. I was so focused on getting thin. I found thinspo-pictures all the time. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be as thin as those. They were truly beautiful. I was looking horrible. No wonder people avoided me. And for the right reason, after all. I wasn't worth meeting and I knew that all too well. I sat up a goal - I wanted to be  underweight. I wanted to be so fucking thin that everybody would believe I was going to die. I wanted to be nothing but bones. Told people not to say a fucking word until I lost the 7 kg. I wanted to lose. Put pictures on facebook and Katja and Amy told me one of them were gross. It was disgusting being that thin. I loved it. I loved her body - it was beautiful. It was thin. I wanted to be that thin. And it became weekend and for some reason I started eating again. Hated my self for this - it wasn't burning calories at all. But I felt good when I was eating. All the time, eating'eating'eating. Still doing motion, of course. I couldn't let go of the feeling of burning calories. And I'm sure that if I lived all by myself it would have been a disaster. It would have been gone out of control cuz it's my parents faults I haven't developed anorexia nervosa yet. Though I'm not that sick - I could easy turn out to be. I want to be sick. I want a diagnosis. And I want a thin body. Which is a problem for me. But, I think I lost 1 kg. already, though I'm not sure. It just feels like some of it has gone away. For which I'm happy. Tuesday I messed up again. I cried all night again, was cutting deeper than anything. And the fact that the only thing I'm proud of is my scars makes it difficult for me to hide them. I know it sounds ridiculous. Proud?! Of scars I made by myself?! I gotta be insane. But I am proud of them. I think the only beautiful thing on my body is my scars on my arm. I'm clinging onto my arm, making sure I'm not going to commit suicide. But I messed up Tuesday, big time. It ended up, I'm telling my father about the "argument" with Katja and me being a bisexual. Something I have never'ever thought about telling any of my parents. And he didn't understood why I punished myself with the feelings of being a bad human. And I know they're related to my depressive thoughts and I can't tell him or mother about them. They're secrets. They're my friend in need. And they're mine. I don't think he quite understood, but it felt horrible to disappoint them. Tomorrow I'm going to Rachels birthday. All alone, only me. Everybody else has been invited to saturday. But I cannot go look one of them in the eyes, I simply can't. My mind would focus on so many other things. And I need a day off with Rachel. Just me and her. Cuz we have actually never been together, just the two of us, and I want that. I want a day with an amazing friend. And she is amazing. I love her. And it makes sure I can go visit my family 300 km. away from us.

I will finish this but, stay tuned. God, shouldn't have said that. Nevermind. I'll be off now - doing some motion. Bye.

School, school, school.

This so sucks. Ahahaha, I'm in school. Having religion classes - learning about Muhammad and Jesus. I could be pretty religious in here, but I really don't feel like it. So, maybe I would just talk about my weekend. Btw - the picture is Yu-chan, because I miss her so. So while writing this I can remember her because I cannot go see her tomorrow even though we were supposed to. So, I have to visit her some other day. And isn't she pretty? Ah, nevermind - she is! :D It might be because I know she's not that very well. So, it's dedicated to my lovely Yu-chan. ^^ <3

No, it isn't. It's just dedicated to my weekend, my feelings. Just like the rest of the blog. Yeah, so friday there was this party. And I didn't join even though I could drink a lot of vodka. I really need getting drunk, but there so many calories in alcohol so I dropped it and said 'fuck up'. Ate a lot of candy and felt so bad about it when I went to bed. Calories, calories, calories - they suck. Big time. I hate calories, I really hate them. Pro Ana ftw. <3 But then I got visit - Martina came. I've missed her so much, it was amazing to see her again. We did all that we been missing, talking about good old days. It really felt like we communicated on some deeper level, it was great. I really hope I can see her soon. And she's so pretty! All of my friends are like Godess'. It's so unfair. It's a funny picture of Martina - we were camping in the summerholiday. Good times. With Mari and Nathalie too. I'm going to see Mari soon too. Oh yeah (y) I'm going to see so many of my friends this month. It's amazing. I will post pictures of all of them. XD God, this is going to be a long blogpost then. ^^

In vacation I'm going to see, hopefully, Yu-chan. I'm going to see Bim and Aya, possibly Sarah, after the holiday Mari and hopefully Nathalie. <3 Last month I saw Lovi and My, which means I have seen almost all of them in a month, great. <3 I will just post a photo of Aya and Mari and Nathalie. <3 The picture of Mari and Nathalie is from the same campingtrip as the photo of Martina. ^^

Old picture of Aya <3

Mari and Nathalie <3

Anger..

Oh yeah, you wants to know whether this makes a difference? Hell yeah it does! But it's not as you think it is. If you just wasn't such a creepy little.. ARGH! God, I cannot believe you.

This just proves to me, that you never loved me or cared for me the way you told me. It's easy to lie. Oh yeah, I know. Easy to lie. I hope you can spread happy words when I'm dead.

Oh, and btw. I think it's a bad idea for you to show up at my funeral. You don't belong to people I call friends if you cannot use me for others as talking about Yulie. And now you got ANOTHER best friend - yeah, thank you. I'm not grateful. Just remember, lies never work. And I'll just say poor Josephine - she trusted you. Stupid.

Make sure..

Run me over. Stab me. Rape me. Hurt me. Kill me. Kick me. Cut me. Break my bones. Leave me. Make sure I'm bleeding. Bleeding all over everything. Make sure I'm dying. Make sure I'm diving. Make sure I'm trying. Make sure I'm losing.

GAME OVER

Control lost. Give up. Give in. Die.

When...?

When will you realise that when I say you're my life - I'm serious.
When will you realise that when I say I need you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that what I say I won't lose you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that my life depend on you?

Fuck! Shit! Screwed!

Fuck! Shit! Screw fucking everything. I'm afraid, I'm alone, I'm not even alive. How come I can feel this dead when I yesterday felt so alive. I really need to cry. I need to cry my heart out. I need to make sure nobody sees how I feel. Smile, smile, smile. Facade - please, do not break. Momma's coming home in a few minutes. Everything. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate that I need you so. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate that I know nothing, I hate that I only serve one person. It's not even myself. I'm stupid. I'm fucking stupid. Nobody fucking cares. School sucks, they think it's awesome to make me write about some fucked up journey with my classmates! I FUCKING DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT IT! The only thing I really thought was worth everything was standing so close to death. Nobody understands, does they. No they fucking don't. I feel like I've tried to explain everything in my heart, everything in my life. And yet nobody sees it. They just.... live their lifes. Why would I even want to talk about this shit. I fucking regret I'm living. The world is happier without me. Life is against me. Look at me. I'm horrible looking. People is faking to get near me. I just.. open up. A fucking naive girl. I do not even deserve this life. God, I just wanna cry. I just wanna make sure people knows. But nobody knows. Nobody wanna know. And when I'm over this I'm thankful I told nobody. Cuz I have to be able to handle my shit. Otherwise everybody will look at me and think I'm insane. Oh God I am, why hide it anymore?! I'm even able to say goodbye right now. I want a knife. I want something sharp. I want my own blood. I want a goodbye.

I forgot. D:

God, I forgot two friends yesterday!! Extremely embarrasing.. And I love them too - they mean hell lot to me!

First ones is Rachel aka. Rachs. <3 Awesome friend, met her at a birthday - she's awesome. ^^
Second is Ivalu, from Greenland. :D She's so cool! ^^

~Yuki

A promise.

I wanna write my thoughts down right now. Under the topic of 'A Promise' and it has absolutely nothing to do with a promise. I want to write down my story. My jealousy, my friends. My pains.

My jealousy:
I'm a weird human. Many people often get jealous of people they don't know. Katja does, just as an example. But I don't. I get jealous of the people I know. I'll just make a true and honest and reliable example. This is my jealousy when it was worst. I have had a friend from the childhood. She hadn't been treating me very well all the time, yet I still saw her as my friend. Then I met Katja and she became my best friend. I talked proudly about her, cuz I was proud of her. Proud of being her friend. So I introduced them. They had fun. Way too much fun. It hurt whenever Katja wrote she loved her. And it was always backwards. I wasn't the only one saying I loved Katja now. I still not am, but things changed. My childhood friend started getting jealous of me being Katjas best friend. So she did everything to make me feel worthless. Whenever I confronted her she said she had no idea what I was talking about. I told Katja about it. I felt so unworthy. I could have been killing myself, just to make sure that Katja and my childhood friend could be together without me being a burden. But I grew older, realized that I had to move on - told my childhood friend to stay away from me. It still makes me jealous knowing that they're having a good time, but I try not to think about it, cuz I know she bothering everybody sometimes too. And I know it lifted a huge burden from my shoulders to say goodbye. And to be honest, I don't want her to have a good life. She can screw to hell.

My friends.
If a certain friend read this, she'll probably feel jealous and bad but she doesn't have to. Yeah..
My friends means a hell lot to me, I described them a little before. But I'll just make a clear describtion of them now. God, it's going to be long this post. XD Think we'll skip the pain for next time.
Anyway :) My friends.
Why don't we start out with those who mean something to me, but aren't the ones that mean a lot to me, eh?
In here we got Sarah (Miss Universe). Sarah is a friend and she's amazing. Even though she have her own problems and such, it really means a lot to me that she hasn't given up on me. So, yeah.
Mia, also know as Loch Ness, is my little monster. No, she's a great friend, and I really care about her. I fucking do. Even though she's so young.
Murloc, also named Clara, is someone I've been writing with for.... a year or so. I just have fun writing with her. She's a really weird person, God. XD
Simone AKA Molly will be in here too. I think. Sweet girl, she really cares for me. I don't understand why though. Anyway, it doesn't matter - I care for her too.

And now the friends that means a lot to me. I don't know if I can explain why.
First we got Mathilde, whom I call Katjakaj and Sierra Prentiss. Mathilde is really someone meaning a lot to me. Although we might is very different it doesn't matter, cuz somehow I feel a connection. I just don't wanna lose her. But if it happens, I'll just remember her as a very good friend, and it will be good memories. Maybe it will work out better when we meet.
Second Mai have this spot. There's always the honorific -chan on her name, but she was called Mai by her parents. Mai means... a lot. She helped me out in a lot of moments. I owe her a lot and I know that I'm one of her best friends too. She trusts me. That is a big honour cuz she don't trust many.
Third may be Sofie. Better known as Yu-chan. Yu-chan knows me a lot. I enjoy every second I spend with her, and all of my best concerts involves a Yu-chan. I feel so hurt when she's down and she says she selfish and will not tell me why. But that's her way of "not concerning me". Fss, doesn't work btw.
Aya will have place here too. I haven't been writing with her a lot, but I feel she knows me well. Which is freaky cuz I don't know if I know her just as well. I might just have had a weakness when it comes to her. I've been opening up fast, but hey. I had a day down and then I don't care who I write too. So, Aya is placed here too. I will not tell her real name, cuz she's thinking of changing it.
In here is also Nadja (Sugar), Sonya (Lovi), Mari (Kitty), Martina and Nathalie. Mari, Martina and Nathalie I met on a special school. I knew Nadja from long time ago but we just started talking for a few years ago. I met Sonya on the internet and to some Cinema Bizarre concert. I cannot go into deep with everything, it will be too long this blogpost. Should have posted more blogs. XD

The last one to be mentioned is my one and only Katja called Bim. If you haven't read the last blogpost, read it to know what she means to me. She has her own categorie - she is my one and only. How you interpret it, I will leave to you. <3

Picture of Gullfoss.

As I promised - a picture of Gullfoss. The big waterfall. But the picture can't tell how beautiful it is. <3 Copyright is mine btw. See the rainbow too - lovely. ^^ <3

Some lovestory.

Okay, first - before I start the 'lovestory' I'll just apologize that I forgot the title in the last post. I'm so sorry!

Righ. Lovestory. Aha.

Well, this is about Katja and I. It shouldn't be a surprise to anybody and it'll might end up sounding like a true lesbian lovestory, which it isn't. It's just a story about a true friendship and an ending that tells how much I care for somebody I never thought possible. Well'well. To better start it off somewhere.

I was 15, turned 16. She was 13. We were both writing novells and other short stories. No big deal, just for fun. No future job, only for the pleasure of writing. We met in a novell-writing-school on the internet. Nothing professional, only for fun. Just the way it was supposed to be. Young and free. Not bound to depressive thoughts or anything else. She was excellent and so was I. People loved us. And she sent an email to me. Asking me about few things. It wasn't anything big. Talking about what we wanted when we grew older, talking about what we loved doing. But somehow the first mail connected us more than any other possible mail. We were talking about going to an amusement park which I had never visited - never met each other, just feeling in our hearts, that it would be amazing. And then she deleted her account and I felt disappointed. Didn't we share more than that? More than this single conversation? Was the bound.... that bad? But no, it wasn't. A few days afterwards she contacted me again on another account. And we started writing more deeply. Arranged a meeting - it was cancelled. Arranged another meeting. Called to each other to make sure this was right. Talked for an hour, the first time we heard each others voices. An amazing feeling filled me, especially the time we met. The time I saw her eyes, her smile, her face, her hair. Everything. It just gave me some feeling that this was more than common friendships. We wrote a hell lot after that, met each other more. It wasn't like we were making a friendship, we had it from the beginning. Then I had my depressive thoughts, she got hers. Not making any difference but bounding us more. We both were afraid it was more than friendship. Would a relationship change everything? Would it ruin our friendship if it wouldn't work out? I was sure it wouldn't. I loved her too much to never let go. Not even if we argued and broke up. She still had her doubts. So it was a friendship. And here we are now. Best friends - bound closer than most people. We don't need to make a lot to make sure we have a good time. When I hold her close I feel safe. I feel like I am exactly were I belong. In her arms. When I don't see her for 7 days my heart starts aching. It's hard for me. I'm crying because I miss her. I never cried because of that. But I do cry. I find it so hard to be away from her. I find it so hard to say goodbye. I had my jealous times. Whenever she said she loved, especially one person, I felt my heart torn apart. If she loved that person more than me, I wouldn't be a burden. I made her cry. More than once. But I couldn't let go. Then she fell in love with a guy and I started feeling so little. But I know that she loves me most. She keeps telling me. So now it's my turn. My turn to say that I love her the most. I have never given my heart to any other people. I could lose my family, my house, my friends - I could lose my everything if only she was safe and close to me. If only she loved me. Songs remind me of her, makes me cry because of love. Because I miss her, as said before. I cannot say she's my girlfriend, because she is not. But the words 'best friend' seems so worthless. They're not enough to explain what she is. So, normally I say she's my life. Which is very dramatically. But whatever it is, it's the truth. I keep babling, for so long. But I want to describe this as much as I can. A lot of lyrics makes it clear - they're all real lovesongs. Not songs to describe a friendship. Maybe this is true love. I don't know. I just know that if she asked me to be hers my answer would be yes. As said in the last post - if she wants me, I want her. If not, I might still want her but it wouldn't matter. As long as she's by my side. As long as she believes in me. As long as I love her.