How do you say that in english? I'm wondering right now - it's could be really useful! o_o'
Well, somebody does something believing it's good - though it's only cutting deeper. I'm glad I finally got other friends I love and care about. I'm glad not everybody is a part of that group. I'm glad I got you guys. <3
søndag den 31. oktober 2010
Blogchallenge #1
So, first challenge. ^^ I'm in a happy mode even though I'm having an extremely headache so my blogpost today will be rather cheerful xD Enjoy! oo
First challenge is a picture of me, taken not long time ago, and 5 random facts. n_n
Picture of me - from the Harry Potter festival on the 19th of October. <3
5 random facts:
1. I looooove t.A.T.u. <3
2. I'm a stilettoe-freak and love Jimmy Choo the most.
3. I'm a poor'poor girl. XD lol
4. I love russian, japanese, korean and german. <3
5. I dislike most chocolate. ö
First challenge is a picture of me, taken not long time ago, and 5 random facts. n_n
5 random facts:
1. I looooove t.A.T.u. <3
2. I'm a stilettoe-freak and love Jimmy Choo the most.
3. I'm a poor'poor girl. XD lol
4. I love russian, japanese, korean and german. <3
5. I dislike most chocolate. ö
Blogchallenge
BLOGCHALLENGE!! XD
Saw it first time at Katja's blog, but it's a picture - ON DANISH! Ö So, i'll translate it and write it on english (y) Yuki IS clever, sometimes. XD
1. A picture of you, taken not long ago and 5 random facts.
2. The meaning of your blog name.
3. What you did today.
4. A picture you've taken.
5. A picture of you from 2007.
6. A webside you use daily.
7. A picture of you and your dearest friend.
8. Yours 'to do' this month and why?
9. Something you're proud of, from the last month.
10. Some foodproduct you could live of.
11. A youtubevideo you especially like.
12. How you found blogspot and why you're blogging.
13. Your celebrity crush.
14. A picture of you and your family.
15. Mention the first 10 songs on you iPod/MP3/PC when it's on shuffle.
16. A picture of you from today.
17. Something you made on your own.
18. The last movie you watched.
19. Your petnames and the reason you have them.
20. A picture that makes you smile.
21. A screenshot of the desk on your computer.
22. Your favorite album.
23. The last thing you ate and drank.
24. Whatever you like.
25. What you got in your bag.
26. Favorite band at the moment.
27. A collection you got.
28. A picture of you from last year and this year - and how you changed.
29. The outfit of today.
30. Where you are in 5 years?
Saw it first time at Katja's blog, but it's a picture - ON DANISH! Ö So, i'll translate it and write it on english (y) Yuki IS clever, sometimes. XD
1. A picture of you, taken not long ago and 5 random facts.
2. The meaning of your blog name.
3. What you did today.
4. A picture you've taken.
5. A picture of you from 2007.
6. A webside you use daily.
7. A picture of you and your dearest friend.
8. Yours 'to do' this month and why?
9. Something you're proud of, from the last month.
10. Some foodproduct you could live of.
11. A youtubevideo you especially like.
12. How you found blogspot and why you're blogging.
13. Your celebrity crush.
14. A picture of you and your family.
15. Mention the first 10 songs on you iPod/MP3/PC when it's on shuffle.
16. A picture of you from today.
17. Something you made on your own.
18. The last movie you watched.
19. Your petnames and the reason you have them.
20. A picture that makes you smile.
21. A screenshot of the desk on your computer.
22. Your favorite album.
23. The last thing you ate and drank.
24. Whatever you like.
25. What you got in your bag.
26. Favorite band at the moment.
27. A collection you got.
28. A picture of you from last year and this year - and how you changed.
29. The outfit of today.
30. Where you are in 5 years?
fredag den 29. oktober 2010
Why is it so easy?
Why is it so easy to cry right now? I thought I was tough. That I could handle everything.
Why is it so easy to be fragile right now? I thought I could stand every pain.
Why is it so easy to flee right now? I thought I was able to live my life with no regret.
Why is it so easy to punish right now? I thought I was never going to hate anybody this way.
Why is it so easy to scream silently right now? I thought I would be able to say the words.
Why is it so easy to ignore right now? I thought I would push away myself for everybody.
Why is it so extremely hard to say it out loud to the people I love?!
Why is it so extremely hard to die?!
Why is it so extremely hard to admit it?!
Why is it so extremely hard to scream out loud?!
Why is it so extremely hard to get out of this cocoon?!
Why is it so easy to be fragile right now? I thought I could stand every pain.
Why is it so easy to flee right now? I thought I was able to live my life with no regret.
Why is it so easy to punish right now? I thought I was never going to hate anybody this way.
Why is it so easy to scream silently right now? I thought I would be able to say the words.
Why is it so easy to ignore right now? I thought I would push away myself for everybody.
Why is it so extremely hard to say it out loud to the people I love?!
Why is it so extremely hard to die?!
Why is it so extremely hard to admit it?!
Why is it so extremely hard to scream out loud?!
Why is it so extremely hard to get out of this cocoon?!
Just some video
Just an amazing song, I fell in love with. <3 It's K-pop btw. Uhm, I don't know what to say.. I just love that song. And the guys are SO good looking! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
TOUCH ftw. <3
TOUCH ftw. <3
onsdag den 27. oktober 2010
Future?
Right now, I'm sitting here in my friend Mari's house, while she's taking a bath. I'm here to go to some 'see-how-it-is-to-study-on-university'-thing. And... Uhm, yearh. I was offered a place in the Biology class but I never heard from the Biology class though my school said I was going, so I wrote a mail but did not check the answer until today. BUT (because there is a 'but'), the thing is - it all started today. So, I took off with Mari and went with her to the Japan-studies.. And of course I wasn't on that checklist.. Now I just have checked my mail, it says that I'm in the Biology class, but now when I didn't get the first day in Biology, I somehow just want to continue in Japanstudies.. I have been wondering to go to Japanstudies, I did ask for a place in Japanstudies and today I just followed them. I was horrified the entire day. So, now I have to tell Mari that actually I was placed on Biology and that we have to hunt down an office tomorrow because I have to ask whether I can be transferred to Japanstudies in the last two days.. I hate this.
But what will future bring? I don't know. I have too many ideas, too many things I want. I love Japan, but I see no future in studying Japan, I mean - what could I use that to? I like biology, but I'm not that kind of scientist and I don't see myself in a lab. I love English and German, but what future would there be in studying that?! I love Russia, but - same problem as Japan. I love music, but I'm not good enough to do it for a living. I love writing short stories and novell's but I'm not good enough to do that for a living too + it takes success too. So. The only thing I actually "want" is to go to the hospital, say "I'm mentally unstable, help me!" T_T' Sigh, x__x'
But what will future bring? I don't know. I have too many ideas, too many things I want. I love Japan, but I see no future in studying Japan, I mean - what could I use that to? I like biology, but I'm not that kind of scientist and I don't see myself in a lab. I love English and German, but what future would there be in studying that?! I love Russia, but - same problem as Japan. I love music, but I'm not good enough to do it for a living. I love writing short stories and novell's but I'm not good enough to do that for a living too + it takes success too. So. The only thing I actually "want" is to go to the hospital, say "I'm mentally unstable, help me!" T_T' Sigh, x__x'
mandag den 25. oktober 2010
Wer bin ich?
I'm always telling depressive stuff in here. You sure must wonder, why I just didn't kill myself? That would save you and it would save me. Easy'easy. No. It's not that easy as it seems. If just it were. But it isn't. It kills me. It surely must want to kill me. Somehow.
I'm still wondering when will she will seek me. Does she honestly believe I would ever go to her? She has to be insane then. I told her last time, that I dwelt with my own problems myself. I cannot rely on anybody else to understand. Maybe that's why I'm telling myself I'm fat? Maybe that's why I'm writing depressive all the time? I'm screaming for help. A help that nobody hears. It could be killing me. Before I felt this way I couldn't imagine people calling secretly for help. I didn't understand people cutting and crying. I simply didn't understand psycological pain. It was a totally hidden place. And now it feels like home. That's rather funny. How I never knew anything and now suddenly knows everything. If I could return to the me that had never experienced this pain, I don't know if I wanted to. I have always been giving so much of myself for the sake of everybody else. To make sure they were happy. I've always been hiding. But it never felt like pain. It never felt like I had to cut myself. I remember a friend of mine telling me that she was cutting. It was an old knife, hardly sharp enough to make any scrath in her skin. But she found comfort in it. And my mind was really like 'cutting is gross. It's just something stupid people do'. Whether I'm stupid or not, I don't know - but I cut. My knife isn't sharp, though it's worse than her. I seek my neel, I seek my knife, I seek my scissor. I wonder if my parents haven't been wondering where that knife went, but I hide it. So they're never going to find out what I'm doing. Sometimes I long after taking one of the really knifes. One of those who can cut tomatoes like it was bananas. You know - a really sharp knife, that would cut me deep. But I'm afraid of doing it. When someone crashes something made of glass, I feel like hurrying so I make sure I get a piece of the broken glass. If anyone knew this. If anyone knew. It's punishment and it's comfort. I comfort myself when I feel like crying. I never bled because of my cutting, but I made visible scars, scars I'll never get rid off. Though they're only visible to me because I knew exactly where they are. I knew exactly what made them. It's so freaky. I cut as a punishment, when I've been eating way too much. My lunch is water. Simply water. I puke when I enter school, to make sure breakfast isn't down there anymore. Though breakfast isn't a lot. And when I'm home in the evening I cut to punish myself because I ate dinner. What kind of world am I living in?! A pro-anoretic, cutting, depressive world. And nobody sees me. I'm never wearing clothing that shows my body anymore. Because it's scares me that other people will see my fat. I'm so focused on getting no calories, I can't talk about everything. I calculate food into calories! Two of my classmates bought two different plates of food. First, I found both of them gross because there was SO many calories in that food! Second, I told one of them, she was better than the other because she had fewer calories in her food. C'mon - how low is that?! I don't know what's wrong with me. I never did that before.
To come back to the title. You see - I've lost myself in this world. Wer bin ich?
I'm still wondering when will she will seek me. Does she honestly believe I would ever go to her? She has to be insane then. I told her last time, that I dwelt with my own problems myself. I cannot rely on anybody else to understand. Maybe that's why I'm telling myself I'm fat? Maybe that's why I'm writing depressive all the time? I'm screaming for help. A help that nobody hears. It could be killing me. Before I felt this way I couldn't imagine people calling secretly for help. I didn't understand people cutting and crying. I simply didn't understand psycological pain. It was a totally hidden place. And now it feels like home. That's rather funny. How I never knew anything and now suddenly knows everything. If I could return to the me that had never experienced this pain, I don't know if I wanted to. I have always been giving so much of myself for the sake of everybody else. To make sure they were happy. I've always been hiding. But it never felt like pain. It never felt like I had to cut myself. I remember a friend of mine telling me that she was cutting. It was an old knife, hardly sharp enough to make any scrath in her skin. But she found comfort in it. And my mind was really like 'cutting is gross. It's just something stupid people do'. Whether I'm stupid or not, I don't know - but I cut. My knife isn't sharp, though it's worse than her. I seek my neel, I seek my knife, I seek my scissor. I wonder if my parents haven't been wondering where that knife went, but I hide it. So they're never going to find out what I'm doing. Sometimes I long after taking one of the really knifes. One of those who can cut tomatoes like it was bananas. You know - a really sharp knife, that would cut me deep. But I'm afraid of doing it. When someone crashes something made of glass, I feel like hurrying so I make sure I get a piece of the broken glass. If anyone knew this. If anyone knew. It's punishment and it's comfort. I comfort myself when I feel like crying. I never bled because of my cutting, but I made visible scars, scars I'll never get rid off. Though they're only visible to me because I knew exactly where they are. I knew exactly what made them. It's so freaky. I cut as a punishment, when I've been eating way too much. My lunch is water. Simply water. I puke when I enter school, to make sure breakfast isn't down there anymore. Though breakfast isn't a lot. And when I'm home in the evening I cut to punish myself because I ate dinner. What kind of world am I living in?! A pro-anoretic, cutting, depressive world. And nobody sees me. I'm never wearing clothing that shows my body anymore. Because it's scares me that other people will see my fat. I'm so focused on getting no calories, I can't talk about everything. I calculate food into calories! Two of my classmates bought two different plates of food. First, I found both of them gross because there was SO many calories in that food! Second, I told one of them, she was better than the other because she had fewer calories in her food. C'mon - how low is that?! I don't know what's wrong with me. I never did that before.
To come back to the title. You see - I've lost myself in this world. Wer bin ich?
Am I interesting?
Someone told me my thoughts was interesting to read. That someone was my english teacher. Because she gave us some test - some grammartest. And she told us to make sure, that when we were finished we would just write something. Something like this - like, when I write my blog. And that day, my mind fled somewhere else. Debbie came back, Ana at by my side and Misty hugged me. I was surrounded by the wrong "friends". You know. So I just wrote it. Wrote that I sucked, wrote that my mind was off somewhere else. Told about my depressive thoughts, wrote about Ana and Aya. About everything and it was really depressive - really. But on top of that, it wasn't showing me being as depressed as I usually is. But she said that it was good - really good. And that it was INTERESTING TO READ! But no, it wasn't! After I delivered the test back I was nervous someone would hunt me down. Somebody would beg me to tell how I felt - but she hasn't been here. I really have thought of asking for a psychiatrist, but oh, it's so fucking frightening. I'm better off without saying a single word. I wonder what she'll say when she read my next paper. Cuz it's even more depressing and it's showing my cutting. Well - if she can guess it's me. She doesn't have to be sure. But... I kinda find it easy to figure out. I'm calling silently for help. It sucks!
Go die Yuki, go die. Everybody´s better off without you.
Go die Yuki, go die. Everybody´s better off without you.
søndag den 24. oktober 2010
Spamming.
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- Hopefully you'll understand. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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- For Gods sake, if you only knew! ♥
I'm spamming my blog. T_T''
- Hopefully you'll understand. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
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- For Gods sake, if you only knew! ♥
I'm spamming my blog. T_T''
torsdag den 21. oktober 2010
Thanks to..
Thanks to Mai for the background. I love that picture and it so fit to me. So, thank you for making it. You're a Goddess and I love you. ♥
I do hate life.
What a depressive title. I wasn't even because I wanted this blogpost to be depressive. I just wanted to write my thoughts down - they will possibly turn depressive at some point.
WARNING: WEIRD THOUGHTS - MAKE NO SENSE.
Ready, set, GO.
Since Tuesday I've had this weird mood. I'm never really mad, I'm never really sad. But I'm not happy at the same time. It's like I'm cold and cynical and again, it feels like I've got so much selfconfidence. When I walk, when I sing. I screw on every people I meet who is looking at me like I'm some psycho. Yet it affects me even more when the people I love are hurt or worse. That doesn't sound cold and cynical. But I really feel frozen. At some point. I'm afraid of losing people everywhere near me even though I know I wont. Sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from being proud of the people whom I love. Just to make sure they wont leave me. It's so awkward! I don't even know why. I don't even know a fucking shit about my mind right now. I wanna go all emo and cut the night long - but then, I just feel like not doing it, because I know it'll bring back some thoughts I've happier without. L.I.A.R.
Should never have written that. Now I'm clinging onto my arm to make sure, I'm not going to hurt myself more than good is. But it's not just this. It's everything. I've been saying that I am bisexual - now I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea what is wrong with me. The only guy I have EVER felt attracted to is Marcel - though he is attracting me more than anybody. But that is fake attraction. Now I start dreaming about Bill. I mean, that's not good. Wauw - if only somebody would read this and give me the chance to look them both in the eye and say sorry. I don't know why I would be the one to apologize, but it feels right. I have to apologize for being attracted by them. They did nothing but doing their job, enjoying it. They do nothing but doing their job and they're still enjoying what they're doing. Why can't I just forget about them?! Why do I have to have this weird feelings. And suddenly my mind made up another potential girlfriend. I don't know why. Nobody should be talking to me and then she suddenly just asked me questions. Not weird, we were having a complete normal conversation, but then she went to the private chat and disappeared. Does she know I'm bisexual? I know she's a lesbian. Whoa whoa whoa - cut it Yuki. It sure gets too confusing for everybody to follow through - including you. My mind is a mess.
I feel like crying but I cannot. I miss Cinema Bizarre. It's not just they guys - they have their lifes. They're amazing. It's not just the music. It's the feeling they brought to me. The feeling of hope. Of pureness. Of... Of life. It's just not the same. I have never felt a longing this much to something I cannot hold. It's like sand slipping out of my fist. I cannot hold onto it, though I try hard. I try harder than anything. I could be screaming in sleep - screaming for Cinema Bizarre. But in the mess of missing Cinema Bizarre, I'm grateful to Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel is definetely not Cinema Bizarre and they will never be. But they brought some of that pureness back to my life. Hope disappeared with Cinema Bizarre but Tokio Hotel brought back a little piece of my life. A little fact. They saved me when Cinema Bizarre broke up. Was torn apart. On my wall a lot of Tokio Hotel quotes hang - over my mirror. The ones who catches the eye the most are 'I'm crashing' and 'Don't you panic'. Well - they're songquotes, yeah sure. They are. But c'mon. You would know me well enough to know that this is more than just quotes from two songs. Those are two sentences my life are build upon. I never really thought about before now, but they are. I am crashing - that's a fact. But I try to stay controlled. Sinking in control. I cannot panic - then everybody will know about this.
I'm a bad girl. Not obvious - I hide a lot of facts, apparently. I'm stalking people I love and people I hate. I'm happy when it goes the people I dislike bad. I'm so happy about it. I want them to go die in hell, for what they did to me. But the fact is, they only did it to me. So why do I wish them this bad luck - because I'm a bad human being. What would be another explanation? God, if only I could disappear. But I can't. That would be letting Katja down. And I can't let her down. People can say what they want to say - they often say what they want to, though they aren't allowed, but I can never let her down. No matter how sad my life feels. And nobody seems to understand. Why doesn't anybody understand me? I'm all alone in this. Nobody has ever connected to another human being this way. It's not even love. It's something deeper. I'm not in love with Katja - I'm afraid of losing her. I think my fear may is connecting the bond to her even more. Complicated stuff, complicated stuff - shut up Yuki.
I don't want to lie anymore but I don't want to tell the thruth either. That's what's makes it so difficult for me to do this shit. No, not writing blog - it's rather easy for me to do cuz nobody is going to read it. Especially not when I'm making these long blogposts. Nobody wants to. Nobody cares for me. Uhm, I actually wanted to comment my name in this blogpost too. When I realized the true meaning of my name I was all "I AM really a rare person". All shit. And I told Rachs and I told Katja. Rachs thought it was nice - that was her only comment. Katja was more like "that's true. You are a rare person. I've never met anyone like you. There's only one of you." I felt so "noooo", and at the same time I was really touched at this. It was like backing up my own thoughts, but these were so much more serious. They were said in thruth. Mine wasn't. It confused me, I think. So now, I'm just honoured it's my name.
I really could be babling for hours, but I don't have the time and I don't really want to make that long a blogpost. It will creep everybody who enters my blog totally out. So, goodnight. Sleep tight, sweet dreams and do not have this complicated mind. It sucks.
WARNING: WEIRD THOUGHTS - MAKE NO SENSE.
Ready, set, GO.
Since Tuesday I've had this weird mood. I'm never really mad, I'm never really sad. But I'm not happy at the same time. It's like I'm cold and cynical and again, it feels like I've got so much selfconfidence. When I walk, when I sing. I screw on every people I meet who is looking at me like I'm some psycho. Yet it affects me even more when the people I love are hurt or worse. That doesn't sound cold and cynical. But I really feel frozen. At some point. I'm afraid of losing people everywhere near me even though I know I wont. Sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from being proud of the people whom I love. Just to make sure they wont leave me. It's so awkward! I don't even know why. I don't even know a fucking shit about my mind right now. I wanna go all emo and cut the night long - but then, I just feel like not doing it, because I know it'll bring back some thoughts I've happier without. L.I.A.R.
Should never have written that. Now I'm clinging onto my arm to make sure, I'm not going to hurt myself more than good is. But it's not just this. It's everything. I've been saying that I am bisexual - now I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea what is wrong with me. The only guy I have EVER felt attracted to is Marcel - though he is attracting me more than anybody. But that is fake attraction. Now I start dreaming about Bill. I mean, that's not good. Wauw - if only somebody would read this and give me the chance to look them both in the eye and say sorry. I don't know why I would be the one to apologize, but it feels right. I have to apologize for being attracted by them. They did nothing but doing their job, enjoying it. They do nothing but doing their job and they're still enjoying what they're doing. Why can't I just forget about them?! Why do I have to have this weird feelings. And suddenly my mind made up another potential girlfriend. I don't know why. Nobody should be talking to me and then she suddenly just asked me questions. Not weird, we were having a complete normal conversation, but then she went to the private chat and disappeared. Does she know I'm bisexual? I know she's a lesbian. Whoa whoa whoa - cut it Yuki. It sure gets too confusing for everybody to follow through - including you. My mind is a mess.
I feel like crying but I cannot. I miss Cinema Bizarre. It's not just they guys - they have their lifes. They're amazing. It's not just the music. It's the feeling they brought to me. The feeling of hope. Of pureness. Of... Of life. It's just not the same. I have never felt a longing this much to something I cannot hold. It's like sand slipping out of my fist. I cannot hold onto it, though I try hard. I try harder than anything. I could be screaming in sleep - screaming for Cinema Bizarre. But in the mess of missing Cinema Bizarre, I'm grateful to Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel is definetely not Cinema Bizarre and they will never be. But they brought some of that pureness back to my life. Hope disappeared with Cinema Bizarre but Tokio Hotel brought back a little piece of my life. A little fact. They saved me when Cinema Bizarre broke up. Was torn apart. On my wall a lot of Tokio Hotel quotes hang - over my mirror. The ones who catches the eye the most are 'I'm crashing' and 'Don't you panic'. Well - they're songquotes, yeah sure. They are. But c'mon. You would know me well enough to know that this is more than just quotes from two songs. Those are two sentences my life are build upon. I never really thought about before now, but they are. I am crashing - that's a fact. But I try to stay controlled. Sinking in control. I cannot panic - then everybody will know about this.
I'm a bad girl. Not obvious - I hide a lot of facts, apparently. I'm stalking people I love and people I hate. I'm happy when it goes the people I dislike bad. I'm so happy about it. I want them to go die in hell, for what they did to me. But the fact is, they only did it to me. So why do I wish them this bad luck - because I'm a bad human being. What would be another explanation? God, if only I could disappear. But I can't. That would be letting Katja down. And I can't let her down. People can say what they want to say - they often say what they want to, though they aren't allowed, but I can never let her down. No matter how sad my life feels. And nobody seems to understand. Why doesn't anybody understand me? I'm all alone in this. Nobody has ever connected to another human being this way. It's not even love. It's something deeper. I'm not in love with Katja - I'm afraid of losing her. I think my fear may is connecting the bond to her even more. Complicated stuff, complicated stuff - shut up Yuki.
I don't want to lie anymore but I don't want to tell the thruth either. That's what's makes it so difficult for me to do this shit. No, not writing blog - it's rather easy for me to do cuz nobody is going to read it. Especially not when I'm making these long blogposts. Nobody wants to. Nobody cares for me. Uhm, I actually wanted to comment my name in this blogpost too. When I realized the true meaning of my name I was all "I AM really a rare person". All shit. And I told Rachs and I told Katja. Rachs thought it was nice - that was her only comment. Katja was more like "that's true. You are a rare person. I've never met anyone like you. There's only one of you." I felt so "noooo", and at the same time I was really touched at this. It was like backing up my own thoughts, but these were so much more serious. They were said in thruth. Mine wasn't. It confused me, I think. So now, I'm just honoured it's my name.
I really could be babling for hours, but I don't have the time and I don't really want to make that long a blogpost. It will creep everybody who enters my blog totally out. So, goodnight. Sleep tight, sweet dreams and do not have this complicated mind. It sucks.
My name.
I just had to inform you guys.
You all know my name is Yukiko. But how many of you knew the meaning behind the name?
My parents always told me it was 'snow child' (whether they hid the right meaning or just didn't knew better - no idea), but I just found out it means 'rare child'. It's an honour to carry that name with me. <3
You all know my name is Yukiko. But how many of you knew the meaning behind the name?
My parents always told me it was 'snow child' (whether they hid the right meaning or just didn't knew better - no idea), but I just found out it means 'rare child'. It's an honour to carry that name with me. <3
tirsdag den 19. oktober 2010
More Harry Potter.
Uhm, yearh.. I wanna write in this blogpost. <3
So, I went to Harry Potter day. When I woke I really felt nervous. Extremely freaky!! But I was fucking nervous for everything. >< When clock stroke 10 AM I hurried to Odense, and it took sooooo long time, cuz I knew I had to be there when Aya arrived. :D Put on my hair, the pink. Oh, yeah - I got my pink wig yesterday. I had NEVER believed that would happen! o_o' But it diiid. So freaking awesome. <3
Well, well - went to see Aya and we had so much fun. Oh, I love Aya. She really is an amazing friend. She hugged me almost all the time, I like hugging Aya. <3 Now I'm even more "Aya is SUCH a dear friend to me!!" than before and before it was a lot, cuz Aya called me often XD But, we stood in line waiting for J.K. Rowling, talked to some freaky guys, thinkíng they were cool but... Ahaha, they weren't! XD And we saw dressed-up wizards, damn, it was cool. I didn't got a rose from mr. Lockheart. ): Poor me.
Naaah, Bim and Nadja came twenty minutes before J.K. arrived and then... J.K. ARRIVED! Damn, she looked so young. She was so pretty. Aya got her autograph, I forgot my book. ): But, we were all like "I'VE SEEN J.K.ROWLING!!!!" and we took a hell lot of funny pictures xD And the churchbells rang the Harry Potter theme - so AWESOME! Then we went eating, and we met Rachs and Louise! ^^, Louise reminded me of Stina. XD Pretty people. :D
I met Kisa and some of her friends too, wauw.. It was so freaking awesome. I cannot believe I've been there. Some deatheaters (dressed-up ofc) walked around and Aya pushed me into them and then they threathened me with their wands. Ö Ahaha, I loved this day. Thank God, I loved it. <3
This is a memorie for a lifetime. I got so much closer to everybody, during today. Ofc Aya <3 I talk WAAAAY too much about Aya. XD
I will talk about Bim, then. o_o' Biiiiim, my girl. <3 I am SO'SO'SO happy she was there. It was so freaking awesome. Being hyped. ^^
This is fucked up - this is gonna be the only blogpost being this happy XD Remember it, like I will remember this day forever.
~Yuki <3
So, I went to Harry Potter day. When I woke I really felt nervous. Extremely freaky!! But I was fucking nervous for everything. >< When clock stroke 10 AM I hurried to Odense, and it took sooooo long time, cuz I knew I had to be there when Aya arrived. :D Put on my hair, the pink. Oh, yeah - I got my pink wig yesterday. I had NEVER believed that would happen! o_o' But it diiid. So freaking awesome. <3
Well, well - went to see Aya and we had so much fun. Oh, I love Aya. She really is an amazing friend. She hugged me almost all the time, I like hugging Aya. <3 Now I'm even more "Aya is SUCH a dear friend to me!!" than before and before it was a lot, cuz Aya called me often XD But, we stood in line waiting for J.K. Rowling, talked to some freaky guys, thinkíng they were cool but... Ahaha, they weren't! XD And we saw dressed-up wizards, damn, it was cool. I didn't got a rose from mr. Lockheart. ): Poor me.
Naaah, Bim and Nadja came twenty minutes before J.K. arrived and then... J.K. ARRIVED! Damn, she looked so young. She was so pretty. Aya got her autograph, I forgot my book. ): But, we were all like "I'VE SEEN J.K.ROWLING!!!!" and we took a hell lot of funny pictures xD And the churchbells rang the Harry Potter theme - so AWESOME! Then we went eating, and we met Rachs and Louise! ^^, Louise reminded me of Stina. XD Pretty people. :D
I met Kisa and some of her friends too, wauw.. It was so freaking awesome. I cannot believe I've been there. Some deatheaters (dressed-up ofc) walked around and Aya pushed me into them and then they threathened me with their wands. Ö Ahaha, I loved this day. Thank God, I loved it. <3
This is a memorie for a lifetime. I got so much closer to everybody, during today. Ofc Aya <3 I talk WAAAAY too much about Aya. XD
I will talk about Bim, then. o_o' Biiiiim, my girl. <3 I am SO'SO'SO happy she was there. It was so freaking awesome. Being hyped. ^^
This is fucked up - this is gonna be the only blogpost being this happy XD Remember it, like I will remember this day forever.
~Yuki <3
Harry Potter day.
Okay, I will just post pictures in here. ^^ I need to just post pictures in here. XD
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| J.K. Rowling, signing Aya's book. <3 I've seen her in reality! oo |
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| Aya, Yuki and Bim. <3 Lovely day, lovely day. Amazing people!! <3 |
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| Yuki being treathed by the Deatheaters. <3 It was SO fun!! |
mandag den 18. oktober 2010
Mad world.
So, I guess I'm back to the depressive again. My brother plays the piano beautifully and yesterday he played a song I knew I had heard before but it wasn't possible for me to place an artist. My brother didn't knew. He just played it. And then I realized - it was 'Mad World' by Gary Jule. Went straight into my computer and found the song on youtube. My brother agreed, beautiful song. At that time I was lost into that song. I haven't heard anything but it since yesterday. The lyrics fit to me. I see myself singing that song. Especially one sentence means a lot. 'The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had'. It's a true sentence. Though the dreams in which I'm dying are the most horrifying too. 'No one knew me - no one knew me'. 'Look right through me - look right through me'.
I should post the lyrics in here, but I don't want to. If anyone wants to listen to the song, they're welcome. I don't whether I'm being depressive is because I feel bad physically or not. It's just like - this song really made my mind turn upside down. It made me wonder, it made me remember. It describes everything so perfectly fine. And well, it is a mad world. It cannot be denied.
~ Yuki.
I should post the lyrics in here, but I don't want to. If anyone wants to listen to the song, they're welcome. I don't whether I'm being depressive is because I feel bad physically or not. It's just like - this song really made my mind turn upside down. It made me wonder, it made me remember. It describes everything so perfectly fine. And well, it is a mad world. It cannot be denied.
~ Yuki.
søndag den 17. oktober 2010
Berlin, bby and Harry Potter.
YO!
I'm happy today (: I have had my moodswings and I actually almost cried, but never mind that. I will be talking about the thoughts I have in my head right now - cuz they're happy.
Tomorrow I'm going to Odense with Bim and Aya. We're going to meet Kisa and her friend, if Loch Ness joins - she joins, Aya might have a friend called Erick who will join too. And I'm just so looking forward to it, because.. Oh, I miss Bim so it's going to be FAN-TAS-TIC to see her again, I'm looking forward to meet Aya cuz we've been talking so good the last couple of days and such and I'm looking forward to meet Kisa face to face. I dunno how I feel about Erick, but. Nevermind that - nobody is going to screw up my day. And I hope that Bim will feel appreciated by everyone. I'm the only one knowing everybody - it's kinda screwed. I suck to arrange these meetings, but it doesn't matter. ^^
Yeah, Berlin - in the topic. (y) Because I know what I wanna do in my winterholiday. I wanna go to Berlin with a dear friend. I have no idea which friend yet, but it will need to be someone I can stand an entire week. XD Right now, I'm considering Bim and Aya, but I have noooooo idea. (y) We will be licing in Grand Hotel Esplanade Berlin - a 5 star hotel in the middle of Berlin. I mean, can it get any better? No it cannot! It's going to be the mest vacation in my entire life! It will be something new, something amazing. Something I want to fun. Partying in Berlin, shopping, meeting people. Getting an idea of what it will say living in Berlin, when I move down there. Oh wauw. <3 Mmmh, so looking forward and I don't even got the money. Nevermind, I'll ask people for money when it turns christmas and my birthday. : D <3 YAY!
~Yuki out <3
I'm happy today (: I have had my moodswings and I actually almost cried, but never mind that. I will be talking about the thoughts I have in my head right now - cuz they're happy.
Tomorrow I'm going to Odense with Bim and Aya. We're going to meet Kisa and her friend, if Loch Ness joins - she joins, Aya might have a friend called Erick who will join too. And I'm just so looking forward to it, because.. Oh, I miss Bim so it's going to be FAN-TAS-TIC to see her again, I'm looking forward to meet Aya cuz we've been talking so good the last couple of days and such and I'm looking forward to meet Kisa face to face. I dunno how I feel about Erick, but. Nevermind that - nobody is going to screw up my day. And I hope that Bim will feel appreciated by everyone. I'm the only one knowing everybody - it's kinda screwed. I suck to arrange these meetings, but it doesn't matter. ^^
Yeah, Berlin - in the topic. (y) Because I know what I wanna do in my winterholiday. I wanna go to Berlin with a dear friend. I have no idea which friend yet, but it will need to be someone I can stand an entire week. XD Right now, I'm considering Bim and Aya, but I have noooooo idea. (y) We will be licing in Grand Hotel Esplanade Berlin - a 5 star hotel in the middle of Berlin. I mean, can it get any better? No it cannot! It's going to be the mest vacation in my entire life! It will be something new, something amazing. Something I want to fun. Partying in Berlin, shopping, meeting people. Getting an idea of what it will say living in Berlin, when I move down there. Oh wauw. <3 Mmmh, so looking forward and I don't even got the money. Nevermind, I'll ask people for money when it turns christmas and my birthday. : D <3 YAY!
~Yuki out <3
torsdag den 14. oktober 2010
Punishment
I just need this out of my world. Cuz my life sucks. It have been this way for a couple of weeks now and my mind simply cannot let go. Not this time. Last time I wrote depressive I was begging someone to kill me. Now I'm begging someone to remove me from this hell I'm living in.
Katja and I had an argument. No, it wasn't like an argument. But I was devastated anyway. And I really cried. Felt like a bad friend. Everybody tells me "Why did you feel like a bad friend?" but I did. I really did. I was horrible, stupid. This wasn't the thing it was supposed to be. Why wasn't everything happiness? Like someone once proved me. But he didn't kept his promised. It tore me apart, my heart was broken. I spoke with Katja, we cleared it all out. But I still felt bad about it. Still felt like a worthless worm. I was good for nothing. I was just a sad silhouette. Something everybody was better off without. That evening I let the knife run over my skin. The scissor and the neel. And I didn't felt the pain. Which made it so much better. Hated my self for the fact that I was cutting. But it felt so nice. It felt like this was the only thing I was supposed to do. To punish myself for what I had done in my entire life. For everything I haven't done in my entire life. It somehow made me happy. Then I got this obsession with calories. Started to focus on burning them 24/7. Wanted them out. Hated them. Ate almost nothing but carrots and water. I was so focused on getting thin. I found thinspo-pictures all the time. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be as thin as those. They were truly beautiful. I was looking horrible. No wonder people avoided me. And for the right reason, after all. I wasn't worth meeting and I knew that all too well. I sat up a goal - I wanted to be underweight. I wanted to be so fucking thin that everybody would believe I was going to die. I wanted to be nothing but bones. Told people not to say a fucking word until I lost the 7 kg. I wanted to lose. Put pictures on facebook and Katja and Amy told me one of them were gross. It was disgusting being that thin. I loved it. I loved her body - it was beautiful. It was thin. I wanted to be that thin. And it became weekend and for some reason I started eating again. Hated my self for this - it wasn't burning calories at all. But I felt good when I was eating. All the time, eating'eating'eating. Still doing motion, of course. I couldn't let go of the feeling of burning calories. And I'm sure that if I lived all by myself it would have been a disaster. It would have been gone out of control cuz it's my parents faults I haven't developed anorexia nervosa yet. Though I'm not that sick - I could easy turn out to be. I want to be sick. I want a diagnosis. And I want a thin body. Which is a problem for me. But, I think I lost 1 kg. already, though I'm not sure. It just feels like some of it has gone away. For which I'm happy. Tuesday I messed up again. I cried all night again, was cutting deeper than anything. And the fact that the only thing I'm proud of is my scars makes it difficult for me to hide them. I know it sounds ridiculous. Proud?! Of scars I made by myself?! I gotta be insane. But I am proud of them. I think the only beautiful thing on my body is my scars on my arm. I'm clinging onto my arm, making sure I'm not going to commit suicide. But I messed up Tuesday, big time. It ended up, I'm telling my father about the "argument" with Katja and me being a bisexual. Something I have never'ever thought about telling any of my parents. And he didn't understood why I punished myself with the feelings of being a bad human. And I know they're related to my depressive thoughts and I can't tell him or mother about them. They're secrets. They're my friend in need. And they're mine. I don't think he quite understood, but it felt horrible to disappoint them. Tomorrow I'm going to Rachels birthday. All alone, only me. Everybody else has been invited to saturday. But I cannot go look one of them in the eyes, I simply can't. My mind would focus on so many other things. And I need a day off with Rachel. Just me and her. Cuz we have actually never been together, just the two of us, and I want that. I want a day with an amazing friend. And she is amazing. I love her. And it makes sure I can go visit my family 300 km. away from us.
I will finish this but, stay tuned. God, shouldn't have said that. Nevermind. I'll be off now - doing some motion. Bye.
Katja and I had an argument. No, it wasn't like an argument. But I was devastated anyway. And I really cried. Felt like a bad friend. Everybody tells me "Why did you feel like a bad friend?" but I did. I really did. I was horrible, stupid. This wasn't the thing it was supposed to be. Why wasn't everything happiness? Like someone once proved me. But he didn't kept his promised. It tore me apart, my heart was broken. I spoke with Katja, we cleared it all out. But I still felt bad about it. Still felt like a worthless worm. I was good for nothing. I was just a sad silhouette. Something everybody was better off without. That evening I let the knife run over my skin. The scissor and the neel. And I didn't felt the pain. Which made it so much better. Hated my self for the fact that I was cutting. But it felt so nice. It felt like this was the only thing I was supposed to do. To punish myself for what I had done in my entire life. For everything I haven't done in my entire life. It somehow made me happy. Then I got this obsession with calories. Started to focus on burning them 24/7. Wanted them out. Hated them. Ate almost nothing but carrots and water. I was so focused on getting thin. I found thinspo-pictures all the time. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be as thin as those. They were truly beautiful. I was looking horrible. No wonder people avoided me. And for the right reason, after all. I wasn't worth meeting and I knew that all too well. I sat up a goal - I wanted to be underweight. I wanted to be so fucking thin that everybody would believe I was going to die. I wanted to be nothing but bones. Told people not to say a fucking word until I lost the 7 kg. I wanted to lose. Put pictures on facebook and Katja and Amy told me one of them were gross. It was disgusting being that thin. I loved it. I loved her body - it was beautiful. It was thin. I wanted to be that thin. And it became weekend and for some reason I started eating again. Hated my self for this - it wasn't burning calories at all. But I felt good when I was eating. All the time, eating'eating'eating. Still doing motion, of course. I couldn't let go of the feeling of burning calories. And I'm sure that if I lived all by myself it would have been a disaster. It would have been gone out of control cuz it's my parents faults I haven't developed anorexia nervosa yet. Though I'm not that sick - I could easy turn out to be. I want to be sick. I want a diagnosis. And I want a thin body. Which is a problem for me. But, I think I lost 1 kg. already, though I'm not sure. It just feels like some of it has gone away. For which I'm happy. Tuesday I messed up again. I cried all night again, was cutting deeper than anything. And the fact that the only thing I'm proud of is my scars makes it difficult for me to hide them. I know it sounds ridiculous. Proud?! Of scars I made by myself?! I gotta be insane. But I am proud of them. I think the only beautiful thing on my body is my scars on my arm. I'm clinging onto my arm, making sure I'm not going to commit suicide. But I messed up Tuesday, big time. It ended up, I'm telling my father about the "argument" with Katja and me being a bisexual. Something I have never'ever thought about telling any of my parents. And he didn't understood why I punished myself with the feelings of being a bad human. And I know they're related to my depressive thoughts and I can't tell him or mother about them. They're secrets. They're my friend in need. And they're mine. I don't think he quite understood, but it felt horrible to disappoint them. Tomorrow I'm going to Rachels birthday. All alone, only me. Everybody else has been invited to saturday. But I cannot go look one of them in the eyes, I simply can't. My mind would focus on so many other things. And I need a day off with Rachel. Just me and her. Cuz we have actually never been together, just the two of us, and I want that. I want a day with an amazing friend. And she is amazing. I love her. And it makes sure I can go visit my family 300 km. away from us.
I will finish this but, stay tuned. God, shouldn't have said that. Nevermind. I'll be off now - doing some motion. Bye.
mandag den 11. oktober 2010
School, school, school.
No, it isn't. It's just dedicated to my weekend, my feelings. Just like the rest of the blog. Yeah, so friday there was this party. And I didn't join even though I could drink a lot of vodka. I really need getting drunk, but there so many calories in alcohol so I dropped it and said 'fuck up'. Ate a lot of candy and felt so bad about it when I went to bed. Calories, calories, calories - they suck. Big time. I hate calories, I really hate them. Pro Ana ftw. <3 But then I got visit - Martina came. I've missed her so much, it was amazing to see her again. We did all that we been missing, talking about good old days. It really felt like we communicated on some deeper level, it was great. I really hope I can see her soon. And she's so pretty! All of my friends are like Godess'. It's so unfair. It's a funny picture of Martina - we were camping in the summerholiday. Good times. With Mari and Nathalie too. I'm going to see Mari soon too. Oh yeah (y) I'm going to see so many of my friends this month. It's amazing. I will post pictures of all of them. XD God, this is going to be a long blogpost then. ^^
In vacation I'm going to see, hopefully, Yu-chan. I'm going to see Bim and Aya, possibly Sarah, after the holiday Mari and hopefully Nathalie. <3 Last month I saw Lovi and My, which means I have seen almost all of them in a month, great. <3 I will just post a photo of Aya and Mari and Nathalie. <3 The picture of Mari and Nathalie is from the same campingtrip as the photo of Martina. ^^
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| Old picture of Aya <3 |
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| Mari and Nathalie <3 |
mandag den 4. oktober 2010
Anger..
Oh yeah, you wants to know whether this makes a difference? Hell yeah it does! But it's not as you think it is. If you just wasn't such a creepy little.. ARGH! God, I cannot believe you.
This just proves to me, that you never loved me or cared for me the way you told me. It's easy to lie. Oh yeah, I know. Easy to lie. I hope you can spread happy words when I'm dead.
Oh, and btw. I think it's a bad idea for you to show up at my funeral. You don't belong to people I call friends if you cannot use me for others as talking about Yulie. And now you got ANOTHER best friend - yeah, thank you. I'm not grateful. Just remember, lies never work. And I'll just say poor Josephine - she trusted you. Stupid.
This just proves to me, that you never loved me or cared for me the way you told me. It's easy to lie. Oh yeah, I know. Easy to lie. I hope you can spread happy words when I'm dead.
Oh, and btw. I think it's a bad idea for you to show up at my funeral. You don't belong to people I call friends if you cannot use me for others as talking about Yulie. And now you got ANOTHER best friend - yeah, thank you. I'm not grateful. Just remember, lies never work. And I'll just say poor Josephine - she trusted you. Stupid.
Make sure..
Run me over. Stab me. Rape me. Hurt me. Kill me. Kick me. Cut me. Break my bones. Leave me. Make sure I'm bleeding. Bleeding all over everything. Make sure I'm dying. Make sure I'm diving. Make sure I'm trying. Make sure I'm losing.
GAME OVER
Control lost. Give up. Give in. Die.
GAME OVER
Control lost. Give up. Give in. Die.
When...?
When will you realise that when I say you're my life - I'm serious.
When will you realise that when I say I need you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that what I say I won't lose you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that my life depend on you?
When will you realise that when I say I need you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that what I say I won't lose you - I'm serious.
When will you realise that my life depend on you?
Fuck! Shit! Screwed!
Fuck! Shit! Screw fucking everything. I'm afraid, I'm alone, I'm not even alive. How come I can feel this dead when I yesterday felt so alive. I really need to cry. I need to cry my heart out. I need to make sure nobody sees how I feel. Smile, smile, smile. Facade - please, do not break. Momma's coming home in a few minutes. Everything. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate that I need you so. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I hate that I know nothing, I hate that I only serve one person. It's not even myself. I'm stupid. I'm fucking stupid. Nobody fucking cares. School sucks, they think it's awesome to make me write about some fucked up journey with my classmates! I FUCKING DON'T WANNA WRITE ABOUT IT! The only thing I really thought was worth everything was standing so close to death. Nobody understands, does they. No they fucking don't. I feel like I've tried to explain everything in my heart, everything in my life. And yet nobody sees it. They just.... live their lifes. Why would I even want to talk about this shit. I fucking regret I'm living. The world is happier without me. Life is against me. Look at me. I'm horrible looking. People is faking to get near me. I just.. open up. A fucking naive girl. I do not even deserve this life. God, I just wanna cry. I just wanna make sure people knows. But nobody knows. Nobody wanna know. And when I'm over this I'm thankful I told nobody. Cuz I have to be able to handle my shit. Otherwise everybody will look at me and think I'm insane. Oh God I am, why hide it anymore?! I'm even able to say goodbye right now. I want a knife. I want something sharp. I want my own blood. I want a goodbye.
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