Losing.

Hi guys, this is a story I wrote because of my friends asked me to. It's written over an evening I had in May where I realized the truth about the death of my best friend, who was like my soulmate. I had a hard time losing him, he really was my mate. And I miss him, of course I do. So, please read with a certain respect. I'm not asking you to understand, just to believe. You may comment whatever you like to this story.

~Yukiko

She sat and stared into nothing. The rain was pouring down. Cleansing the world. Just not her. Her tears slid slowly down her cheeks. There was nothing. She was nothing. Heard nothing. Sat there and let the tears fall down her cheeks. Why now? Why would it happen now? In the midst of May. In the midst of the examinations? No, not now. She wasn't even ready to collapse. They didn't has to know now, did they? The song replayed again and she shrank. Why her? Why him? Why them? Why did everything happen to them? Why did everything happen to her? It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair. And then. She deleted the last thought. It wasn't fair! Nothing could ever say else. He was 21. She was 18. She didn't deserve having this faith to carry this sorrow. Not even close to. He didn't deserve death either. But if she had to pick between death and sorrow she would have chosen death for sure. But not even die was she allowed to. The tears now fell quicker and the silent sobs was seen on her breath. It was evening. They stayed away from her at this time. Not because she wanted them to enter. They knew she hadn't recovered yet, but it hurt so to open her mouth. It hurt so to tell why she cried. It hurt so to think about it. And now she sat thinking. 4 years. Was it everything they had together? The two of them. Poor 4 years. She removed the tear from the cheek and let it slid from her finger to the table. It shined in the bright moonlight. Yukiru. Tim. Her thoughts screamed his named. Where was he when she needed him? Dead. The word cut its way through her thoughts and tears came back in her eyes. He was dead. That summer in 2006 had done everything. It had saved her life. He had saved her life. Only him. Even though he was German and she Danish. Even though there was an age difference at 3 years between them. Even though men were bastards. He was her angel. Her heart shrink and she cried. Cried big tears. Big heavy tears and she could no longer keep it inside. She sank crying to the floor and crawled under the table. In here, she was safe from everything. Everything except one thing. The pain. It overtook her like always. Even when she didn't care. How could she has been acted like the way she did? How had she ever could be that cold and cynical? She could no longer forgive herself. Also even though he already had forgiven her. She took her hand and held her shirt tightly. Right over her heart. She had been questioning so often. Why? She closed her eyes and saw his face. Whispering she said his name. Reached out to touch him. Feel him. She wished to see him again. For everything. If he would come back to her. Hold her in his arms and smile. Tell her everything would be okay, the way he used to. Talk German with her. Tease her. She would give up her life form him. Even if it could bring him back. But it couldn't. The facts beated her. She knocked and slid into her brain. Talked, mesmerizing the little things. Destroying her dreams. Bringing back her pain and her sorrow. Bringing back what she had been longing for. And the memories. Forced them to come out. She desperately opened her eyes and reached out for him when the picture faded away. Once again she sat crying. Never in her life she would have thought she felt like this. So left alone. It couldn't be described in another way. It was nothing against leaving her family or losing a friend. It was just so.... left alone. Nothing else. She was all alone. No matter how much they told her that they loved her. No matter how much they said they would help her. They couldn't do anything. Only he could help and now he had gone. Gone with the wind. She felt how the sorrow turned to anger. On him, the phantom rider and the world. She released her shirt from her hand and stared into the back of the table. Why had he left her? Did he really wanted to let go of her? Did he wish to die? Only so he didn't has to see her. Her hands became fits and she forced the power to hit something to stay down. If he wanted her to leave it had been possible! He could have told. She would never visit him again. She would have forgotten all his friends. Never have been visiting Germany again. Once again the anger turned to sorrow. The song was on replay. On top of the table. Why that song? It had released everything. All those memories she sat left alone with. Everything. She started to cry again. She could have been asking why forever. There was so much left behind. They never tried walking on the beach at night. They never travelled together. How could she possibly do that now? Without him. World would be crashing. Now when she had finally realized his death. Now when... Now when she was left alone. Her thought left and she fell asleep with the silver-coloured tears down her cheeks under the table. Tortured by sweet nightmares.

Normal?

Am I normal? No. Why is the question so easy to answer. Why do I feel so confused? Why do every part of me pull in the wrong way? Why does my heart tell me the wrong things? I could keep questioning myself. Why, why, why? And there are no answer to be found. Only one. One single answer. I'm not normal. I'm the opposite. I doesn't look like one. I doesn't act like one. I feel like one. I think like one. I can't even describe it. I just know it. My head is confused. Everytime. It's easier to lie than to tell the thruth. My entire life could be a lie. The day I was born. It isn't yet I feel it is. No, I feel it should be. I keep babbling about nothing important. I'm not normal - where did all this shit even come from? Me. It came from me. The little girl, sitting behind the screen, writing those letters, making these words to make you understand how little I feel. How stupid I feel. How riddiculous I feel. And I have no reason to feel this way. For crying out loud, my life aren't more unnormal than another 18 year-old girl. Actually I've been lucky, I guess. Yet I doesn't feel lucky. My life is like a ruined castle, melted away with the wind. My soul is like the ocean. So deep nobody knows what's hidden deep down. Not even I. I'm just as confused as everybody else. They know me better than I do. Not that I'm proud of it. Well yeah, I'm so freaking fucking not-proud of being who I am. Don't bother even telling me, that I'm the only one that can change the facts. I know, I know. I'm not dumb. I know a lot of things, yet it doesn't seem to work. The hidden paranoia. The hidden fear. The hidden anger. Everywhere. Not on the surface. I broke down once, it'll never happen again. Nobody is to see how I feel. Nobody is to see how it hurts to be me. How it hurts to think the way I do. Nobody is to see who I am. Because I'm hiding it. I've been building up walls. And who would believe when I smiling told the thruth? "I'm still feeling bad!" Nobody believes me. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm glad nobody believes me. Life doesn't goes on, it goes away. And yet I don't feel like having a reason to feel this way. I'm safe now, why do I write this? Because when I wake up tomorrow all safety left me again. Like yesterday and the yesterdays yesterday. All the time. It hurts me. All the time. Now, I just want you to go away with the knowledge, I'm not normal. I'm not normal. I'm just a girl. A girl with a broken soul. A girl that's hiding because of nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but faith. I'm sorry.

My creativity. ;)

I promised some girls to show and tell "how" creative I was. ;) In fact, I just have to say that I don't feel creative at all! I really feel uncreative! ;D

Well, well.

Firstly I play the violin. I've been playing the violin since I was a kid. Since I was 5 so to say, which means I have been playing 14 years. It's great. The violin sure is my favorite instrument, and I believe it can change a human mind. (: I've playing the piano since I was 13 but it hasn't said as much as the violin did. ;)

Then I'm singing. I think I started singing before I started talking. In fact I've been singing a lot. Always. I really sing whereever I can. I love singing. It's my life and my biggest dream is to be a worldknown musician. So, I hope that someday it'll come true.

I'm writing stories and novells too. Have been writing a novell now, which will be published. ^_^ A long story and it's on danish. But never mind that. I'm writing my thoughts, often, which isn't easy but I do. And people love them. They find it hard to comment it, or at least tell me what to do better. So yeah, I'm writing and good at it. n_n'

Then I draw. ;) And I promised to show some drawings even though they suck. ^^ So I'll show some drawings and just let it be with "I'm not good at drawing" XD

1# First picture is a sign I draw for my best friend Bim. It says 'Can I Have This Dance?' cuz we had kinda a joke with that. ^^

2# Second picture is a drawing of an man-ge/animecharacter called Tohru Honda from the manga/anime Fruits Basket. The cat and the rat she is holding is the two character Kyou and Yuki Soma, both transformed from their human form.

3# The last drawing was just my nickname 'Thilli', and actually my dogs name too, writtin in calligraphy. I was bored someday. This is some of my first calligraphy - I'm way better now. :)

~Yukiko

Planet Tokio and City of Humanoids.

Okay, I'm back. Hopefully. As you see I named my blog 'Planet Tokio and City of Humanoids'. Actually it's because I'm following these two at Twitter. Yeah, I know - they sound crazy. They possible are. Yet, they actually weren't the thing I wanted to talk about. It was Tokio Hotel in a whole. Because I read something Planet Tokio, which consists of two girls, wrote for people. "Stories" so to say. Yet to me, it was so unreal. They're swedish so of course their english could be better. That's the same with me. So I would never complain over something that simple. No, it was the stories. Dreams - most of them about having a relationship to one of the Kaulitz-twins. Somehow, that bothered me. I know, I'm a dreamer like everybody else. But I would never dream about having that kind of relationship with one of them. It actually freaks me a little out. How disgusting is that? No, forget it.

About Tokio Hotel - well, everybody knows Tokio Hotel, right? The good way or the bad way. You know who they are. You know how they look. And nobody actually really knows them. Not anybody we know about, at least. It's like all their friends has sunk into nothing. Or maybe they're all alone. Oh, gimme a break. Of course they have friends. I don't even know why I thought they had nobody but themselves. It's just. Ow, I'm thinking too much.

I'm a freak. Not a Tokio Hotel freak by time. I love their music, I find them attractive - but I'm not a "Ooooh, I love you so much!!!!"-girl. I hate those girls. I don't understand them. I'm just. I'm me. Which shouldn't surprise any of you. Nah, if something should surpise you, it would be the lies. It would be the way I would act if I met them. All cool. I'm not talking shittalk. Trying to make me sound much better than I am. I would act that way. All cool. I'm not attractive but I got a big heart. I'm not into the hyperness - I'm into deep conversations. Something nobody understand. That's possible why I got a different feeling about Tom and Bill Kaulitz. A different feeling about Georg Listing and Gustav Schäfer. I would never, and I say it again NEVER, date any of these guys. They don't attract me that way. For me, they're like my brothers. The older brother I never got. That's how I see Bill Kaulitz. It's true that I maybe don't see Georg and Gustav the same way as I see Tom and Bill and it's true that I don't see Tom the same way as I see Bill. But they're all different human beings. I just wish I could meet them to tell them. To tell them that they're like my brothers. That they moved something inside me. That the music they write moved something inside me. That they helped me when I was down. That they.. Yeah, like my brothers. Best friends? Yeah right. No, brothers!

Now it turned out being dreamtalk instead.. --'

~Yukiko

An update ^^

I haven't been writing for what - a month or what? Anyway, I'm back. And I'll be updating. Sorry you guys, but it is summervacation. ^^ Well, I'll start from the freaking beginning.

I decided not to go travelling with my parents and siblings this year, which means, that I'm home alone for 1½ week. Great. I'm really'really looking forward to it. Actually I decided to go to Russia with a friend but we're both down on cash, so - no.

My sister is doing a theatershow this week, and I, as the unlucky person I am, fell in love with one of the actors. He's amazing. Oh truly, I love him. And yeah, it is quite embarrasing that I do love him and that I do fell in love with him - but love can't be changed or controlled. So'so, we'll see what happens next. And I realized - I really have a weakness for guys being creative. Drawings, acting, playing music - I don't care. I fall in love with those guys! But only guys. Well, someone has to know what they're looking for. I'm that one. I decided that if they're going to play 'High School Musical', I definetely has to go to an addition for the role of Sharpay Evans. She's not my favorite character but she's so me. And in fact, we do have something in common. We both "want it all." Ahaha, awesome sentence. My sister also asked me whether or not I was going for an addition for next years show. If I do - I don't know yet. But it's tempting. It is. I can't act - I really can't. But I would love be a musical-star, although my actingskills sucks.

Then Bim and I talked about our voices. Or, Bim told me she wanted to play the guitar or have a instructor to tell her how to practice her voice and I told her that she already sang very well.. She denied and all that shittalking so I told her, that I sang worse than her and she denied AGAIN. Told me I had a special voice (whether it's harshness or what, I have NO idea) and that it was rare. It was unique. Her voice were like everybody elses and that she had compared her voice to others. But well, SHE does sing very well - better than I do. And I, personal, don't know whether my voice is or isn't special.

I'm going camping! Next weekend. With a couple of friends. I'm so exited. Havent seen one of them for half a year, which I think is a lot.. So, it's going to be great! :D

I'm just happy - I really HATE being in love. It makes you feel happy. ): So, bye for now, Bim is here tomorrow and I won't be tired. That sucks so much.. ^^,

Love you guys - you rock (y)

~ Yukiko