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Screw my life. I love you, I cannot say goodbye. I believe in you. I just... I just can't believe in her. Not any more. She lost my trust. Not you.

Oh, I'm ruining this for my self. Great.

All my friends.

I just thought I was fair to give you an update of my friends. ^^

Bim: My best friend. We met in 2007. I owe her my life and my heart. She's an angel. Does I have to say, that I love her?

Yu-chan: A very dear friend of mine. We met to a Cinema Bizarre concert in 2009 but we had been writing before that. She's really something special to me. I love her.

Colonel RS: Someone so special to me. We met in 2006 in some novell-writing-school. She has changed my life to the better. Really. Can't say anything that I care for her. A lot.

Mai chan: A very dear friend of mine. Have forgotten when we met. :ii She's the best poetrist I have ever met. I love her. Really.

KatjaKaj: We met in 2007 too. KatjaKaj have changed my life too. She gave me faith in myself. She smiled to me, cared for me when I was down. I could never hurt her.

Kitty-hime: We met in 2007 too - in some school we both went to. I can't describe what she means to me. Honestly. Kitty-hime is a princess that deserves the best.

Martini: My first best real friend. She changed me. Loved me and cared for me. Remembered me. Smiled to me. I love her now and I'll never lose that feeling. I'm sure.

Sugar: A dear friend of mine. You know, it's just.. Sugar and I are really good friends. Extremely.

Miss Universe: What we haven't been talking about in the past. She's a big part of my past. I care for her. A lot.

Yin: A dear friend of mine with a lot of troubles. I've been worried a lot because I care for her.
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Marcel Gothow/Mr. Hangover: Former Cinema Bizarre drummer. I don't know him personal but thought I needed to mention him.

I love all of them. (LL)

Smiling while dreaming.

Time for a new blogpost. To tell how I am doing and how my life goes. Which is complicated.

My day today was awesome. I decided to ask my best friend Bim if she wanted to go to the 'big city'. The city in which HCA (Hans Christian Andersen, writer.) was born. Proud? No. Anyway, she has been sick and wasn't sure that it was a good idea she went to the city with the medicine and such. So, of course I was a little sad but I decided not to let it kill my day. So I asked my friend Sugar if she wanted to join me. And she didn't answered so I kinda paniced and wrote to another friend, whom I don't see often, Yu-chan if she would join me. Then Sugar answered and we arranged the trip. When I sat in the bus, I talked to my neighbour. Haven't spoke with him since 2007 or so. He's on my age - my first crush. *blushing* He was going to take his final test for drivers license today. I really hope it went well for him and he passed. He has been growing so. I really can't imagine he was that cute little guy I fell in love with. He's so mature - and such a nerd. But he's really sweet. Really. The woman he gets is really lucky. And best of luck from me. Well well, to get back to the point - it really changed my day that I spoke to him again. Then Yu-chan wrote me. She was in city with her cousin and I could visit them until Sugar arrived. So I saw Yu-chan today. Saw her the last time 1st of March. So yeah, that I could hug her and smile and see her smile. It was amazing. <3 Then Sugar arrived. And oh, I've missed her! She's an amazing friend. One of our friends wrote me, asked if she could join. I said no. Felt so great! And I had Sugar with me, all alone. We went shopping and I spent too many money. But I didn't buy a pair of stilettoes. And that was so GREAT. You can't imagine. Sugar and I ended talking about what we would do if we won 10 million Euro or more. It was so cool. I mean, it's crazy to think, right? What I would do? Buy a car and an apartment in Berlin. And then go shopping in NYC. Eheheh, I love designers and if shopping has to be right - you're shopping in NYC. End of discussion. I'm a little crazy, I know. And I realized that I really love Marcel Gothow. I know, I've been lying to myself. Saying he was named Robert Baumann - but I know, deep down in my heart, that it's Marcel. How I know? I don't know. But well, I love him! Miss Universe (Another friend of mine) and I was talking about having a job as soulhealer. Wouldn't it be nice. "Hey, what are you doing today?" "I'm a soulhealer." "Oh, I've always thought that job was so exiting." Ahaha, you see the point? But it's tough to heal souls. It affects me so much to do. Yet I keep doing it. I spoke to my parents - they accepted Yu-chan. They need to accept KatjaKaj and Mai too. They're really amazing people. What they haven't been doing to me. What they haven't prevented. I love them. And I know that Bim gets jaloux when I say it, but hey. I really do love them. I owe them everything. And I owe Bim the universe. And she knows. I hope.

I've started listening to an old band. Have always been loving their music. Danish, so neither of you would understand if I posted a song. ^^ I think I'll translate and quote one of my favorite chorus. Hope you get the message of the translation even though it sounds better in danish. Så er det du kan mærke at du lever - Then you can feel that you're living. så er det du kan mærke hjertet slår - Then you can feel that your heart is beating. så er det du kan danse på vulkanen - Then you can dance on the volcano. så er det du får medvind i håret - Then you get tailwind in the hair. Du mærker du kan styre lige mod toppen - You feel you can aim at the top. og alle bare smiler på din vej - And everybody is smiling on your way. du mærker du kan elske hele verden - You feel you can love the entire world. og alle døre åbnes for dig …hey-yeah-yeah - And that every door opens for you. Hele verden den ligger åben for dig - The entire world is lying open for you feet. Hope you get it, you guys. ^^, Yeah, my life is complicated. I know. My life sucks. I know. But I'm so stubborn that I would wish I would give up. I just cannot. We'll see each other soon, hopefully. Sorry for the late update.

- Yours Yukiko.

Party.

I'm sick. Yay yay yay - eh not. I'm puking, having a bad headache. And then - anyway. I want to party totally. Wanna get drunk and throwing away my shy side. xD

Party in Berlin, here I am baby! ;P

Final test before summer vacation.

Monday is the final test. Something stupid about "How does the different subjects work together". Like, OMG - what in the world am I going to use that to? Nothing. I really don't get this last test. It's stupid, stupid, stupid. Ignorant people. Stupid people. Teachers. Oh God, I sound like a creep. Never mind me..

I'm going to J-Popcon btw. XD Not that any of you people whatever it is, but it's awesome! :D Top dollar. ^_^ And I'm going to cosplay for the first time in my life. <3 As Euphemia Li Britannia. From Code Geass. Yeah, I'm a freak, I love it! :D <3

I'll post a picture today. Just because it fit so wrong that I'll do it. :D See ya someday :)

- Yours Yukiko <3

I love you.

I've forgotten who taught me to love. Whether it was my father or my mother. Or both. Whether it was a lost friendship or a broken heart. Male or female. I've forgotten everything in my past. Everything I don't want to remember. I've lost it. Not that it feels horrible to lose. I did not. I cannot answer why. But I know I can love. I know whom I love and I know why. I know why our bonds are so close. I know why we're afraid. I know everything that's between us, yet I don't know anything. Anything about us. Anything about who we were supposed to be. But my heart tells me what I need to hear. You know, love is difficult to pretend. So many songs has been sung about love. It's all the same they're saying. I love you. Three little words, yet they have been used too much. Nowadays you say them to everybody. Just a friend. A pet. Everyone. You love everyone. You love people you never met - how is that possible? How can you love everybody. If you do, you don't know true love. You don't know the feeling. This amazing feeling. Thanks to you I know whom I love. It's you. You, whom I love. Love deeper than I love my family. It's a different kind of love. I'm afraid of losing you. It's my biggest fear. I don't like submarines - they give me the chill. But my biggest fear is losing you. I would never survive losing you. And you're afraid of ruining it. If you realize the truth. It's cruel. How love can destroy and rescue people. You've seen others ruin their relationship by accepting the truth. And I understand your fear. I know the fear all too well. I was afraid of realizing as well as you were. As you are. I don't know if I have realized one hundred percent yet, but fact is; when you wrote your fear and doubt to me I felt the same way. We're connected by spirits and we're connected by love. Let me love you. Please. Let me take care of you. Let me be the one who worries the most. Let me be the only one to love you as much as I do. I can never be taken away. When you're here - there's nothing I fear. I just hope that someday you'll realize. That someday you'll win. That someday your fear will be gone. Fears are bad. Really. And I love you. Just the way someone taught me. Exactly the way someone taught me. Years ago. I love you now. I love you tomorrow. I loved you yesterday and I will love from now on and till forever.

Final test for drivers license.

So, here I am - again. XD The titel is called 'final test for drivers license' which is what have happened today. (From now on I will start name my blogs - they get too confusing for me too.) Anyway, drivers license. I got my drivers license today so I'm really really happy. I can drive whatever car I wanna drive. And I got my license before Yu-sensei which is totally cool. d;

My favorite car or the one I would love to drive someday is a yellow Porsche. Exactly like the one Alice Cullen drives in. Because Alice is awesome and so are Porsche. XD But a cute litte Ferrari or a Jaguar would definetely not hurt either! ^_^

And I bought a new pair of shoes today. As a reward for my license. I passed the test - I needed to buy those shoes. <3 130 mm high heels and oh, they're gorgeous. And when my mom saw them, the first thing she said was "Oh they're horrible Yukiko" and I started off laughing. I love them. My faboulous new shoes. And unfortuneatly they're not Jimmy Choo og Christian Louboutin, but just you wait, darling, just you wait. (L)

Yeah, and a last little fact; I only ate 100 g. for breakfast! (y) Totally awesome, I feel so much better with myself today. If it's because I passed or because I ate almost nothing, I cannot say. But the thing is. I'm happy that I have gone down to 100 g. for breakfast instead of 250 g. Breakfast might be healthy but so is lunch and I don't eat lunch. ^^ Happy tuesday to all of you guys - I hope you can feel my luck today. 8D

- Yours Yukiko <3

I'm tired. Which sucks. I've told some of my friends about my depression and the lie. And all they said was "Oh, I understand you.." Hah' not at all they did. They don't know how it feels. To be a strong and independent woman and suddenly *crash*. I can do nothing by myself without thinking "Was that good enough?" or something like that. My depression has become a dear friend of mine - if you have never been depressed, you don't know the feeling.

The crappy feeling of being down in the years of teenage life cannot be described like the same as a depression. You might want to die - but you're not mentally ill. And that's the difference! Mentally ill or not. They told me - all of them. "You're mentally ill, Yukiko." So now, my depression and I stick together like glue. I cannot let go of it even though I hate it. And that feeling is speciel... Loving something yet hating it. Speciel - definetely. Lovable? No.

Oh, I was so proud of my self! I only ate 150 g. for breakfast..Be proud of me!! :) When I'm down to 100 g. for breakfast I'll write you.

- Yours Yukiko <3

Tokio Hotel event

What a crappy day! Screw that event - they ruined everything for me. Damn them. I'll just go disappear.

I love you Yu. <3

Yin has returned to me! <3 She did NOT commit suicide! I have been so afraid - I can't describe it. :3 Thank goodness!

Now, I'm the only one with a desire to disappear - I can deal with that myself.

Okay. I seriously don't know what to write. My day has been the most boring day in the world, my newest exam is driving me crazy - and I honestly just don't know what to do. I'm not into discussions and I'm just sick and tired of everything. Murloc told me living on a lie is soooo much more exiting, but sometimes, lying suck. I know. I've lied a lot in my life and I keep doing it.

Oh shut up, Yukiko. :3 Okay, I'll just say good bye. Everything sucks today. Really bad mood - could go disappear. Nobody would miss me. So, if any people I know read this - do not comment on it. If somebody whom I don't know, comment all you want. Disappearing does not mean suicide - not always.

Goodbye.

- Yours Yukiko.

Bim and Yukiko

The picture Bim made <3 I'm the one with glasses.

- Yours Yukiko. <3

02.06.2010

Yes. Here I am today. What I've been doing? Oh a lot of stuff. I got a test - danish paper. I wrote an essay about being a writer. I got no idea how that went but it was quite fun. Then I drove - now I know when I'm going to the end test before I get my drivers license. Ooooh, I think I'm going to fail D: Well well, someone has to fail and I'm the one this time. I do fail a lot of other things so why not the drivers license. BUT if I get it I got my drivers license before Yu Phoenix. Awesome, awesome, awesome (y) He's two years and 364 days older than me. >__<' But it's cool we're born so close to each other.

Ehm, what more to say. Depression hit hard - sucks. A friend of mine has finally ended her eating disorder so I'm happy about that! I'm just so grateful. A classmate of mine really got surprised when I told her how many people who have told me they wanted to commit suicide. And that I almost comitted suicide. See - it all ends up being depressing. D:

Yeah, I've been writing with Mai chan. <3 I love her. She's an extremely good friend of mine. And there's this drawing she made to me - it always makes me so happy when I look at it. Arigatou Mai chan. (L) And Bim made an awesome picture about me and her. I love Bim - she's my best friend. The reason I live and the person for whom I would die. <3 Yu-chan and I (You met Yu-chan in yesterdays blog) have been talking about Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin and we have agreed that we need to go shopping in the summer holiday. :D Actually it was a good day. Thank God I got Mai chan, Yu-chan and Bim. <3

Yours Yukiko.

'I did this and thought that'-blog. :3

Oh Yu-chan, you... How can you? You cannot! I decided. She wanted me to do a 'I did this and thought that'-blog. But I really suck at it. Okay, okay - I'll try for you, baby. <33

Today... Ehm, what a, nah wouldn't say overrated happy day but it was okay. I had an exam today in math and I suck in math! But that's why I really love the fact that I'm done with it forever and ever. But but but, I got a friend too, why don't we call her Yan, and I'm seriously afraid of losing her. The only thing she tells me is that she really wants to commit suicide. And I really care about that girl! I hate when people tell me they want to commit suicide. It's not fun for the person left alone. And yeah, I wanted to commit suicide once, I almost did commit suicide once but that doesn't mean that I want my friends to give up their lives. I nearly did - they shouldn't! And I just cannot convince her, it's pissing me off. Why are she so stubborn?! Graah, because she's depressed. And I know more about being depressed that other teenagegirls. Cuz I got a depression.. Whoops, and I got too close. So I'll shut my mouth until the next time I'll write about suicide and being depressed. Which I surely will, cuz people find it hard to see the thruth behind a suiciders heart. And mind. Like we're dumb! We're not. Actually we're quite clever. And now I started pronounce myself as a suicider - I'll just cut off the topic now. So so, let's get over this. Suicide and depressive stuff is no good. Back to what I did and thought today. Ehm, my mind really has been filled with all the depressive stuff because of Yan.

Oh yeah, I bought a new pair of shoes, not Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin as I wished, but at least they're quite new. 120 mm heel and I love them. There's just one thing about them. They destroy my toes. D: Totally. They just take away all the skin on my toes and it hurts. And my momma always keep saying that surely I must have learned something. I just loooove these shoes too much. Sucks. They said suffer for beauty, and oh, I suffer! T__T'

Well, don't know if there's much to say. Yeah, I got a test tomorrow too - I just hope to write about suicide or being depressed so that I can somehow talk about Yin and the two others friends I have helped. <3

- Yours Yukiko. <3

Well, hello.

When I first started writing a blog, I thought that it was only for fun. Then I realized it is a lot more. It's addictive and really useful. The name, 'Behind the sunshine' was made by a friend of mine, whom I call Yu-chan. It's a girl. Actually I wanted to tell you a lot of stuff but somehow it all seems so useless. What do you care? You're reading this because you find me a great writer or.. because you know me, perhaps?

Naah, no matter the reason you read this or not, it's not because you find me a great writer. But, oh God, it really is difficult for me to do this! o_o'

I am a dane, that's why if my english sucks and you're wondering how in the world a person could be this bad. XD Hmmm, so - someone told me to do a blog like Yu-sensei's. I just haven't read his blog. Which makes it difficult for me. n_n'

Yeah, do me a favor - tell me what you would like to hear about me. I'll post pictures, fun, stories and thoughts. I'll post articles about a topic or two. I'll do whatever I want cuz this i my place and thank God for that. :)

- Yours Yukiko. <3