*SMACK*

This is such a weird feeling. You see, love can be many things. You can fall in love with somebody, you can love a dear friend. Well, americans say love way too much. So honestly, I shouldn't feel this weird. But right now I am. I don't know what to feel actually. I am bisexual. I have felt a strong love for females but... I don't know how to interpret her words!

So, my friend is having a really bad day today. Which I, of course, dislike, but I don't have the power to change it. I just wrote with her. Made she promise she would sleep tonight cuz I don't think she sleeps that much because of personal problems. And it was okay.. Well, still feeling bad about her having a bad day but. She got... a little upset when others were talking about Ana and I understand her, I truly do. Ana is taking away her best friend in real life - so of course I understood. And she said Ana was taking away her best friend url. I am a friend of hers, url. With a personal relationship to Ana. Never saw it as me though. I really wanted to call her 'darling' but I was afraid of doing it.. Have never been, but.. I really was. Called her 'sweety' instead when I couldn't hold it in. But then she asked whether or not you could love somebody you have never met. She doesn't use the words like Americans do - love is a strong word to her. I said 'Yes.', just as that. You know, I believe you can love somebody without having met them. Otherwise I would've failed many times. She said 'Damn' and I said that I would be a living example of that. In the meaning that I have loved people before I met them and still love people I haven't met. And then she said 'Yeah. I swore to myself I would never let myself love anybody I had never met irl. Until I met you --' '. And I was kinda shocked. It's not often you well... is told that. So I wrote that it was unexpected. She wrote 'After I met you, Yuki, SO much have been changed. That's the reason I asked. I DON'T KNOW. Is it therefore? Or is it because you understand me? Or is it both? --' '. And I was like 'WHAT?!'. I don't know if she loves me, I don't know what it is. I didn't even know anything had changed! And I wrote that - not 'what', but.. Well, the other things. And she said it was too much to explain tonight, fair enough - she deals with a lot tonight. But I don't know how to react on it. My heart started pounding, but what if I'm totally wrong about everything. Or what if I'm right? What if I'm in love with her? Would it be alright? How would anybody react? Oh God D:

No..

Honestly, I just need someone to tell there's something wrong with me. When I read about it all - everybody says there is a reason. The depressed ones may have been living in a family with an alcoholic father or whatever. The anoretic ones just.. Just are way too young. The cutting ones (or selfdestructive ones) also may have been living in a family who have had a divorce.

I have nothing. Nothing. No divorce, no alcoholic things. I have simply no reason. Yeah, my confidence in myself is like zero. It never was more than 2 on a scale of 100. So, I would have started to get used to it, right. But I just... don't. Now, when I got friends. I am so... misunderstood. So stupid. And everybody says "make it go away, you're way better than that.", "promise me, you'll do an effort to make it go away." and stuff like that. I would make an effort, but.. How in the world am I supposed to do that? I don't even lose weight fast. Hell.. I'm just the person, sitting here - trying to understand why I feel this way and accept it.

A screenshot of my background.

Well, I just wanted to make a screenshot. :3 Because I had nothing better to do. Well, I have a lot of things that would be better to do.. Anyway.

A screenshot of my background. The first time in my life it have been so clean! oo

I have three other pictures I have been using for backgrounds, and I think you guys are supposed to see what I choose from. (:

A depressed update

Uhm yeah, things aren't working as well as they could.. We have huge assignment to write in december, but I cannot stay focused on it. On school at all. My eyes are totally blank. I don't care whether or not I make my homework, I don't care whether or not my notes are shit, I don't whether or not I'm even in school. To me it could all just go to hell. Shoot me somebody. I have been hoping for the psychiatrist to come, really. I don't feel it's fair to go say 'I cannot focus on school, what the fuck am I doing?!'. So I shut my mouth and wait. And today I received a message. 'You have an appointment with the psychiatrist 1st of december, 9 o'clock'. What the hell?! 1st of December?! There's MANY days to 1st of December.. Damn. And then 9 o'clock. School starts 8.30. So, am I going to have education for half an hour. An hour I cannot even sit still in? I will be crying the half hour before I go to the psychiatrist, so.. God, I have no idea what I do about that. But I definetely will come.
But, to return to 'things aren't working as well as they could'. I had a disagreement with Momma last Wednesday, think I mentioned that, and she said to me that I could go to hell, because I did not appreciate my family at all. And that hurt. It can't even be explained. So I cried. I don't feel guilty, I cannot overcome anything. But if there is one thing I do it is - I love my family and appreciate them in every single possible way. I believe in them and their love. But it's difficult for me to hide my depression and still do all of the things she wants me to. So I've been trying to show them how much I love them and appreciate them. I cooked Friday, and have been cleaning and such all the time. I'm social with them every possible hour. Still I don't feel I do enough for them.
The worst part of it is, that I've been binging so much. It's disgusting. I've been eating cakes, cookies, chocolate, butter, meat, candy. I've been drinking soda. And it's not good. It's really not good. I miss Ana. I miss her so much. I'm unhappy without her and I feel guilty. I feel so guilty when I'm eating all though I'm not hungry. What in the world is wrong with me?! In school I focus on my fat, on not eating. I mean, my class only sees me eat once in a while (in the meaning of once every third month) but when I'm home I eat way too much without being hungry. And why? Because I lack control. If I had the possibility I would throw away everything tasty, every piece of food. But I can't. So now, I'm longing to live alone. Honestly, I could move out right now in my own apartment, just to make sure that control would come back to me and I wouldn't be disappointing Ana and ED. I wrote to Baga that I cried because I've been eating. I did cry. It was horrible. So I jumped half an hour. And for what reason - making it better.
One good thing of all these disasters is that I have finally cut myself to bleed. I did start bleeding and it felt good. So I cut deeper and deeper and bled a little more. And I'm proud of my scars, damn I'm proud of them. My cooking knifes really are sharp, and I love them. They're beautiful. So, when I'm really down someday I wonder whether or not I would cut on my wrist and make it bleed. If I do so, I have to write my goodbye-letters. I've actually wanted to write my goodbye-letters for a long time.
I think I'm done. No, I'm not - but I wanna end this before someone sees it and orders me to tell.

Sarah..

Sarah and I have become 'weight loss buddies'. We both have anoretic eating habits, and we both try to lose 8-10 kg. So that feels great. Just had to write it.
Thank you Sarah. ♥

Jeez...

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

So why am I still fat? Why am I still eating? I hate breakfast today. THE ONLY DAY I HAD THE POSSIBILITY TO SKIP IT! And no, I did not feel hungry at all. It was for the sake of my class. But what the hell is that kind of thing?! ARG! Damn, I suck... I really does. I eat all the time ): But paps is making pasta for me tonight and for me only. Which means a low calories dinner tonight..

And my cellphone is not working. D: This weeks has definetely not been my week. I was depressed monday, sick tuesday, arguing with my mother and being depressed wednesday, binging thursday and binging today if I NOT STAY FOCUSED! I have to stay focused on not eating. You're starving Yuki, starving. And you love it!

But, I've started to wearing stilettoes more. Which is good, burns more calories and makes my leg looking prettier. I just have to lose weight. I have to buy my corset. Or my corsets, to be more precise. First, they look amazing. A corset is a beautiful piece of clothing. Second, they is to tight that it makes it difficult for you to eat. Or they can be that tight. Third, they hides all that fat I'm carrying. Honestly, I need a corset or 20. I wanna wish that for christmas and birthday and hope my friends will find one for me..

Sigh, I'm finished. This just sucked.

Perfect sarkasm

"Anyone can be suffering from an ED"

Why can't I?! Anyone would include me but... it just seems it doesn't. I hate to eat. I don't even feel hungry. But I somehow just need to eat sometimes. My breakfast is almost nothing, but at lunch I eat 2-4 crispbread with tuna or mackerel. Sometimes I eat a lot for dinner and other times I eat nothing. I still drink absolutely nothing, it's just a bad habit I can't change now. Even when I need water. If I could just skip the tuna or the mackerel the 2 crispbread would be alright, cuz they're only 80 cal. But I just can't. I want to throw it out and sit and cry when I've eaten but I can't. When I start focusing on food I need something to remove my focus but I cannot find the thing that removes my focus. So it'll end with me eating, me feeling guilty and then cutting to punish myself for eating. The only place I want to cut is my wrist, just over my artery. It's the only place I feel.... I feel I get punished enough. My arm isn't good enough. Well, my arm is good enough when I want it to bleed. When I just want to feel pain, I cut my wrist. If I push a little too hard I might make it bleed. If I make it bleed I seriously don't know what I would do. Whether I would leave it bleeding or not.
I know I have a time to the psychiatrist but I feel like I need her/him now. Not thursday. Now. I'm suffering from dizzyness and headache all the time and I can't overcome school anymore. It's not because I don't want to go to school. I do want to. But I can't. I simply can't. I'm so caught when I'm in school. Monday I sat all crumbled up. Okay, I was freezing, but we were writing stuff down when we saw some goth pictures and all I saw was 'loneliness', 'death' and 'fear'. I saw a left alone ruined castle that reminded me of myself. Alone, difficult to reach and ruined. I don't know why. Our English teacher showed us a picture of a monster, to everybody else but me it was Frankenstein, but this "Frankenstein" was blocking the doorway out in the light. I, as the only one in the entire classroom, noticed this. Possibly because I feel something is blocking my doorway. I need my teachers to know what I feel. Why I crumble up. Why I sometimes is so... difficult to reach. But no. I'll just regret it if I say something..

If it's not what you're made of..?

I just needed a hell lot of thoughts out of my mind, but the title to this blogspot is... well-saying. Let's say it's a thing I've been wondering over a lot. Maybe too much.

I spended the weekend with Rachs. And I had a great time, really. We went to the cinema, saw a really cute movie, went home, laughed, talked, got really close. It felt... awesome. I'm still surprised how strong she was when we talked about her father and Snuppi. I know it's time since her father died, but. Wauw.. And I know she's weak sometimes, but again, it really felt like a strong person. But, when I talked to Baga I realised that when you experience something unpleasant you learn to live with it. Baga's story surprised me. Well, I have guessed her father was an alcoholic. But I've never in my life thought that anyone could have such a life. It made me so unworthy of feeling depressed. So, I talked to Yu-chan today too. And she's in love. Somehow so obvious, but she has to figure out her own life before she does anything more complicated. She's so busy anyway. And she's so worried for me. It made me feel guilty. I'm crumbling into my own cage now, to make sure that nobody worries. Eating makes me feel bad, but I still eat. I can't get away with not eating. I'm not even hungry, and when I am... Well, it makes me feel good when I feel my stomach say things and scream for food. But... I don't know why I do still eat. I don't know anything.
I feel so unworthy of living but I know people care. It just hurts so much. It hurts when people around me are depressed because.. Because I feel like it's my fault. I did this to them. I made them feel like this. I know I did not, but.. When people tell me they want to go and never return it just hurts so much. If anyone was supposed to go and never return it was me. I'll just shut up and go somewhere else. I need to disappear for a while.. Screw school!

Blogchallenge #7

I decided not to finish the blogchallenges, but there was one last challenge that I wanted to bring up. Number 7. It said 'a picture of you and your best friend'.

I've already posted blogposts about this friendship. I've mentioned this friend way too many times in my blog. But so what? It doesn't matter at all. Cuz she means my life to me. I've said it before. If she dies - I go commit suicide before anyone can stop me. That's not even a question. I will not be separated from her.

Yeah, it's Bim. Not a surprise to any of you, huh? Well no. I don't even know what to write more. So.. I love her. Love isn't big enough.

Blogchallenge #5 and #6

Yeah, I said I would wait a day for blogchallenge #5 so, here is a picture of me from 2007. Never said I was pretty though. :3

Blogchallenge #6
Well, yeah - A website I use daily would be gSm. ^^

Exercise

I've decided to finally make my thinspiration-book. And since I'm mentally ill today and cannot go to school because I fear a break-down, I've decided to do it today. Nobody is going to find out this way either. Fits perfectly. Yesterday I walked home from school - burned 700 calories. Well, 700 calories is a great deal of burning, but. Oh, for crying out loud, it's not enough! So, I made a list of accepted food, all with the amount of calories less than 100. Which means no more meat, no more butter and no more candy/chocolate/chips. It's over and out. 400 calories is just way too much! It's rather disgusting actually. I'm still forced to eat breakfast and dinner, though it seems my parents let me sleep longer and longer and in the end that may result in me not eating breakfast with the rest of the family = allows me to eat no breakfast. I don't eat lunch anymore, lunch.. is disgusting. It's just too many calories. Momma started to believe that salad is good so now she takes the time to make salad. Fewer calories for Yuki!! So, now I just have to stick to my list, not getting tempted, drink a hell lot of water and believe in the fact that I'm losing some weight. Sometimes. God, I hope that I can lower my BMI to 17. I can, I know I can. Well, Papa talked to me yesterday about getting my own place to live. Getting my own place to live means control. It simply means control. And it's so fucking great. I'm really into it now. If they can't see what I eat, I can just eat simply nothing but carrots. I started to check out the amount of calories on everything, simply everything. Before I eat (or don't eat) I check the amount of calories. Over 100? I don't eat it. That's just simple.
So, now that I have gotten my calories more or less into control I just have to start doing some exercise. I wont be walking home from school every day just to burn 700 calories. Almost 16 km. is just a long way to go and it's takes a long time. I should be walking tree times a month or so. I have to dance for at least in hour when I come home. Well, jumping will be more correct though. Jumping at least an hour. Exercise, exercise, exercise. I will never be bicycling to Odense, it'll be too long, though it's only 17 km. It just... feels that long way. So no. I'm still a little too lazy to burn calories that way. Mia has finally got away, I don't puke anymore. Now I just cut as a punishment. But it's okay. I disliked Mia, so I'm glad it's only Ana and I. Welcome in the world, thinspirationbook. You're my need when I'm dealing with the calories and today you're born.

Colin and skipping a blogchallenge.

I'll be waiting with the next blogchallenge 'till tomorrow, cuz I have to go searching for a picture of me from 2007 and it'll be a looooong search. So, I'll just post a picture of Colin <3 God, I asked Josse if I could marry him but he's 39. >< I'm so disappointed he's that old cuz he's absolute gorgeous! Uhm, hottie!! <3

He could be my dad. --' It would be gross marrying someone that old, but if he had been 29, I would have married him! Ö

Spontanious trip to Aya.

I had an amazing day with Aya today. I wasn't nervous for meeting her parents or her again, though I have been so unsure whether or not I was just the connection between her and Bim. But it really felt like she liked me. That she had fun with me, wanted to be my friend. And it was amazing. It cannot be described. I'm so happy I did this, because what Aya has turned out to mean to me is a lot. Though she's unsure for this fact. But it hurts so much when Bim tells me she's writing with Aya or when Aya tells thing before I do. I feel so... forgotten. I so will be regretting posting this blog. But I'm doing it anyway.

On my way home I was happy, I was relaxed and I was just remembering a great day. And then I met Bim and Nadja. And... It was fantastic and it was horrible. I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm losing control with everything. It just.. seems like I'm forgotten. Someone changed and I don't know if it's me. I don't know why it feels so wrong to introduce people. I don't know why it hurts so much to see my friends being together. I don't want common friends, I just want my friends. I feel like I'm being lied to, because this way it wont hurt my feelings - but it hurts so much more. Am I only good for lies? Why is people around me changing? Why am I changing? Somehow I only feel comfortable when I'm with Mai and Rachs.. I don't know why. It just feels like they... like me for me. And don't care that I got other friends. That they don't care that I'm depressive. They're happy when I'm happy and they're doing everything to cheer me up when I'm down. It sounds wrong! Sarah and Aya talks to me when I'm down, they're explaning my feelings to me. Asks me to go get some help. They're hoping and praying. Mai and Rachs are... well, freaky people but their love for me is huge and it's shown. Bim loves me. I can't do this. I'll be regretting way too much if I continue. Shut up Yuki. Shut up. Simply. Hide it away and forget it..

Ich bin frei im freien Fall

Ich kann nicht mehr anders

Blogchallenge #4

This blogchallenge is to post a picture I've taken myself. And it wasn't difficult to find a picture I've taken myself but it was difficult to find the right one.
I chose this picture because it's means a lot to me. The text is danish and means 'heart pathway'. Well, it just means a lot to me. Shows the pathway to my heart, it's something I have to search for.

Fail cutting?

I'm still feeling like I'm the wrong kind of cutter.. Because I don't need to see blood, I just need to see evidence. Evidence that I really AM cutting. It's a punishment when I've been eating too many calories, it's a way to flee when I need to flee. But although it helps me out, making this damage, it also feels kinda weird. The knife is so close to me, but it feel like it takes a lot to grab the knife and cut. But when I do cut it feels so great. Am I really the wrong kind of cutter? Am I just some psychopatic wannabee? I don't know. I honestly don't know.

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong?" when nothing's right.

Well..

In her memories she is searching. On this day, in this moment, for someone under the full moon.

Blogchallenge #3

Blogchallenge #3 today.

So, the challenge today is to describe what I did today.

I woke up at 6.15 AM (which was horrible early) because my sister was going to take a bath after me. Well, woke up, took a bath, ate breakfast, look at my room and promised myself that I HAVE to clean it up, soon. At 8 AM I went to school in the bus, nothing special. Had lessons about the old Greece first, then Biology and last (but not least) philosophy. Then I went to the city to go shopping and I bought a pair of Iron Fist stilettoes, a book, Bones season 1+2 and the newest Vogue Magazine for my collection. On my way home I met Momma in the bus and we went home together, she carried my bags (a) Now I'm sitting here, writing with Aya about tomorrow where I will be visiting her, writing with Rachs about the weekend where we will go to the cinema and afterwards having a sleepover and writing with Bim about... about everything. ^^ Tomorrow I'm having a day off (which is why I'm visiting Aya) so, it'll be awesome.

I love Iron Fist. <3 (I just needed to say it)

Christmas list for friends.

Hei ^^ I wanted to make a dream-christmas/birthday-list for my friends. ^^ <3

- Ed Hardy Vodka (just because Ed Hardy is awesome!)
- Ed Hardy Casablanca Wedge Heel (Black, white and pink)
- Ed Hardy Hoodies

- Louis Vuitton Marilyn Handbag
- Louis Vuitton Keepall 50
- Louis Vuitton Pegase 65
- Louis Vuitton Passport Cover
- Louis Vuitton Toiletry Bag 25
- Louis Vuitton Sarah Wallet
- Louis Vuitton iPod Case
- Louis Vuitton Initiales Damier Azur Belt
- Louis Vuitton Leopard Stole
- Louis Vuitton Paliettes Monogram Shawl
- Louis Vuitton Baxter Dog Leash GM
- Louis Vuitton Baxter Dog Collar GM
- Louis Vuitton Giboulées Umbrella
- Louis Vuitton Silvania Ring
- Louis Vuitton Inclusion Hoops

- Jimmy Choo Alanis
- Jimmy Choo Frill
- Jimmy Choo Darcy
- Jimmy Choo Aurora
- Jimmy Choo Pablo
- Jimmy Choo Quiet

- A lot of Tokio Hotel stuff (incl. music)
- t.A.T.u. music
- SHINee music
- L'Arc~En~Ciel music
- Fall Out Boy music
- Cinema Bizarre fan merc. incl Final Attraction

- Clothes from HotTopic
- Christian Louboutin stilettoes
- Evening gowns
- A travel to Japan
- Hotelstay in Berlin on the Grand Hotel Esplanade Berlin
- A Blackberry
- Hello Kitty teddy
- Wigs
- Nailpolish
- Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle (manga + anime)
- Absolute Boyfriend (manga)
- Shugo Chara! (manga)
- Ouran High School Host Club (manga + anime)
- D.N.Angel (manga + anime)
- Tiffany's Jewelry

More will be added, I simply know it! xD

And more will definetely come! XD

Han Jun.

Just couldn't let him go. <3 Uhm, I don't know why I'm posting him in my blog actually. He reminds me of Kiro, the way he moves and his attitude. Though their looks aren't the same, they're still so alike. It's really amazing to know that out there another Kiro is making music. But Han Jun sure is from Asia, from Korea. But it's great. Han Jun, I could fall in love with you - that sucks.

I want to make an update for today. I started writing to Rachel that I missed writing with her (I wrote with her yesterday T_T) and she answered me. I was quite surprised cuz I thought her phone had run out of money. Anyway, we wrote and she begged and begged me to go ask for a psychiatrist. I tell you, I was really nervous! But after biology I pulled myself together and went straight to the 'studyguide's room and we talked about me, about Ana, about cutting. About everything in the last couple of days. And she was nervous for me - it's was SO obvious in her eyes. They were really saying 'fear'. And I don't know why they did that - but they did. And she asked me whether or not we should make a deal with the school-psychiatrist that comes every Thursday and I agreed. A psychiatrist was the reason I seeked her out so. But talking with her made me late for English class, but it was okay - nobody said anything to it. My English teacher wanted to hand back some old paper and damn, I was nervous. I had written a short story and it dealt with a hell lot of my own feelings and then she said "I wanna talk to you in the break.". The note was a B+, so I was really happy and when she saw me in the break she said that it was really'really good, she had never read anything this good and the only reason I haven't got a A was because it was too long. That sucked, but B+ was cool. When I came home Momma talked to me about studying after High School and Daddy (really surprisingly) backed me up so much when I started about studying German. Like, he really wanted me to study German - he shot down all of Momma's arguments. That was really cool. So, maybe I'm going to study German. Of other stuff I have been telling my friends about the psychiatrist. I think they deserve to know that I have finally seeked help and all of them felt like they were relieved and happy that I did it. So, rather nice - but weird day. ^^

Blogchallenge #2

Blogchallenge #2 xD

Today's challenge is to write the meaning of my blogname. And unlike a lot of my friends whose blog I read mine actually have gotten a really deep meaning.

So, here's the story.

I wanted to make a blog but I didn't want to call it stuff like 'Yuki's heaven' and such. It needed to be something... special. Something in particular. Something that characterized me. So I asked Yu-chan if she had any idea - anything was acceptable. And she asked if it could be named 'Behind The Sunshine'. In the beginning I found the name pretty cool. 'Behind The Sunshine' - it had an awesome sound to it. So I named by blog 'Behind The Sunshine' and then I got aware, that it really meant something to me. My blog was the only place I could tell everybody about what happened behind my facade. Of course I could tell my friends something, but my blog became (and still is) the place where I could write everything down. Everything that wasn't supposed to be seen by everybody. So, my blog really is my place 'behind the sunshine'.
- A reason to all the depressive stuff.

^___^ <3