If it's not what you're made of..?

I just needed a hell lot of thoughts out of my mind, but the title to this blogspot is... well-saying. Let's say it's a thing I've been wondering over a lot. Maybe too much.

I spended the weekend with Rachs. And I had a great time, really. We went to the cinema, saw a really cute movie, went home, laughed, talked, got really close. It felt... awesome. I'm still surprised how strong she was when we talked about her father and Snuppi. I know it's time since her father died, but. Wauw.. And I know she's weak sometimes, but again, it really felt like a strong person. But, when I talked to Baga I realised that when you experience something unpleasant you learn to live with it. Baga's story surprised me. Well, I have guessed her father was an alcoholic. But I've never in my life thought that anyone could have such a life. It made me so unworthy of feeling depressed. So, I talked to Yu-chan today too. And she's in love. Somehow so obvious, but she has to figure out her own life before she does anything more complicated. She's so busy anyway. And she's so worried for me. It made me feel guilty. I'm crumbling into my own cage now, to make sure that nobody worries. Eating makes me feel bad, but I still eat. I can't get away with not eating. I'm not even hungry, and when I am... Well, it makes me feel good when I feel my stomach say things and scream for food. But... I don't know why I do still eat. I don't know anything.
I feel so unworthy of living but I know people care. It just hurts so much. It hurts when people around me are depressed because.. Because I feel like it's my fault. I did this to them. I made them feel like this. I know I did not, but.. When people tell me they want to go and never return it just hurts so much. If anyone was supposed to go and never return it was me. I'll just shut up and go somewhere else. I need to disappear for a while.. Screw school!