A depressed update

Uhm yeah, things aren't working as well as they could.. We have huge assignment to write in december, but I cannot stay focused on it. On school at all. My eyes are totally blank. I don't care whether or not I make my homework, I don't care whether or not my notes are shit, I don't whether or not I'm even in school. To me it could all just go to hell. Shoot me somebody. I have been hoping for the psychiatrist to come, really. I don't feel it's fair to go say 'I cannot focus on school, what the fuck am I doing?!'. So I shut my mouth and wait. And today I received a message. 'You have an appointment with the psychiatrist 1st of december, 9 o'clock'. What the hell?! 1st of December?! There's MANY days to 1st of December.. Damn. And then 9 o'clock. School starts 8.30. So, am I going to have education for half an hour. An hour I cannot even sit still in? I will be crying the half hour before I go to the psychiatrist, so.. God, I have no idea what I do about that. But I definetely will come.
But, to return to 'things aren't working as well as they could'. I had a disagreement with Momma last Wednesday, think I mentioned that, and she said to me that I could go to hell, because I did not appreciate my family at all. And that hurt. It can't even be explained. So I cried. I don't feel guilty, I cannot overcome anything. But if there is one thing I do it is - I love my family and appreciate them in every single possible way. I believe in them and their love. But it's difficult for me to hide my depression and still do all of the things she wants me to. So I've been trying to show them how much I love them and appreciate them. I cooked Friday, and have been cleaning and such all the time. I'm social with them every possible hour. Still I don't feel I do enough for them.
The worst part of it is, that I've been binging so much. It's disgusting. I've been eating cakes, cookies, chocolate, butter, meat, candy. I've been drinking soda. And it's not good. It's really not good. I miss Ana. I miss her so much. I'm unhappy without her and I feel guilty. I feel so guilty when I'm eating all though I'm not hungry. What in the world is wrong with me?! In school I focus on my fat, on not eating. I mean, my class only sees me eat once in a while (in the meaning of once every third month) but when I'm home I eat way too much without being hungry. And why? Because I lack control. If I had the possibility I would throw away everything tasty, every piece of food. But I can't. So now, I'm longing to live alone. Honestly, I could move out right now in my own apartment, just to make sure that control would come back to me and I wouldn't be disappointing Ana and ED. I wrote to Baga that I cried because I've been eating. I did cry. It was horrible. So I jumped half an hour. And for what reason - making it better.
One good thing of all these disasters is that I have finally cut myself to bleed. I did start bleeding and it felt good. So I cut deeper and deeper and bled a little more. And I'm proud of my scars, damn I'm proud of them. My cooking knifes really are sharp, and I love them. They're beautiful. So, when I'm really down someday I wonder whether or not I would cut on my wrist and make it bleed. If I do so, I have to write my goodbye-letters. I've actually wanted to write my goodbye-letters for a long time.
I think I'm done. No, I'm not - but I wanna end this before someone sees it and orders me to tell.