Spontanious trip to Aya.

I had an amazing day with Aya today. I wasn't nervous for meeting her parents or her again, though I have been so unsure whether or not I was just the connection between her and Bim. But it really felt like she liked me. That she had fun with me, wanted to be my friend. And it was amazing. It cannot be described. I'm so happy I did this, because what Aya has turned out to mean to me is a lot. Though she's unsure for this fact. But it hurts so much when Bim tells me she's writing with Aya or when Aya tells thing before I do. I feel so... forgotten. I so will be regretting posting this blog. But I'm doing it anyway.

On my way home I was happy, I was relaxed and I was just remembering a great day. And then I met Bim and Nadja. And... It was fantastic and it was horrible. I don't know where I stand anymore. I'm losing control with everything. It just.. seems like I'm forgotten. Someone changed and I don't know if it's me. I don't know why it feels so wrong to introduce people. I don't know why it hurts so much to see my friends being together. I don't want common friends, I just want my friends. I feel like I'm being lied to, because this way it wont hurt my feelings - but it hurts so much more. Am I only good for lies? Why is people around me changing? Why am I changing? Somehow I only feel comfortable when I'm with Mai and Rachs.. I don't know why. It just feels like they... like me for me. And don't care that I got other friends. That they don't care that I'm depressive. They're happy when I'm happy and they're doing everything to cheer me up when I'm down. It sounds wrong! Sarah and Aya talks to me when I'm down, they're explaning my feelings to me. Asks me to go get some help. They're hoping and praying. Mai and Rachs are... well, freaky people but their love for me is huge and it's shown. Bim loves me. I can't do this. I'll be regretting way too much if I continue. Shut up Yuki. Shut up. Simply. Hide it away and forget it..

Ich bin frei im freien Fall

Ich kann nicht mehr anders