God, I forgot two friends yesterday!! Extremely embarrasing.. And I love them too - they mean hell lot to me!
First ones is Rachel aka. Rachs. <3 Awesome friend, met her at a birthday - she's awesome. ^^
Second is Ivalu, from Greenland. :D She's so cool! ^^
~Yuki
torsdag den 30. september 2010
onsdag den 29. september 2010
A promise.
I wanna write my thoughts down right now. Under the topic of 'A Promise' and it has absolutely nothing to do with a promise. I want to write down my story. My jealousy, my friends. My pains.
My jealousy:
I'm a weird human. Many people often get jealous of people they don't know. Katja does, just as an example. But I don't. I get jealous of the people I know. I'll just make a true and honest and reliable example. This is my jealousy when it was worst. I have had a friend from the childhood. She hadn't been treating me very well all the time, yet I still saw her as my friend. Then I met Katja and she became my best friend. I talked proudly about her, cuz I was proud of her. Proud of being her friend. So I introduced them. They had fun. Way too much fun. It hurt whenever Katja wrote she loved her. And it was always backwards. I wasn't the only one saying I loved Katja now. I still not am, but things changed. My childhood friend started getting jealous of me being Katjas best friend. So she did everything to make me feel worthless. Whenever I confronted her she said she had no idea what I was talking about. I told Katja about it. I felt so unworthy. I could have been killing myself, just to make sure that Katja and my childhood friend could be together without me being a burden. But I grew older, realized that I had to move on - told my childhood friend to stay away from me. It still makes me jealous knowing that they're having a good time, but I try not to think about it, cuz I know she bothering everybody sometimes too. And I know it lifted a huge burden from my shoulders to say goodbye. And to be honest, I don't want her to have a good life. She can screw to hell.
My friends.
If a certain friend read this, she'll probably feel jealous and bad but she doesn't have to. Yeah..
My friends means a hell lot to me, I described them a little before. But I'll just make a clear describtion of them now. God, it's going to be long this post. XD Think we'll skip the pain for next time.
Anyway :) My friends.
Why don't we start out with those who mean something to me, but aren't the ones that mean a lot to me, eh?
In here we got Sarah (Miss Universe). Sarah is a friend and she's amazing. Even though she have her own problems and such, it really means a lot to me that she hasn't given up on me. So, yeah.
Mia, also know as Loch Ness, is my little monster. No, she's a great friend, and I really care about her. I fucking do. Even though she's so young.
Murloc, also named Clara, is someone I've been writing with for.... a year or so. I just have fun writing with her. She's a really weird person, God. XD
Simone AKA Molly will be in here too. I think. Sweet girl, she really cares for me. I don't understand why though. Anyway, it doesn't matter - I care for her too.
And now the friends that means a lot to me. I don't know if I can explain why.
First we got Mathilde, whom I call Katjakaj and Sierra Prentiss. Mathilde is really someone meaning a lot to me. Although we might is very different it doesn't matter, cuz somehow I feel a connection. I just don't wanna lose her. But if it happens, I'll just remember her as a very good friend, and it will be good memories. Maybe it will work out better when we meet.
Second Mai have this spot. There's always the honorific -chan on her name, but she was called Mai by her parents. Mai means... a lot. She helped me out in a lot of moments. I owe her a lot and I know that I'm one of her best friends too. She trusts me. That is a big honour cuz she don't trust many.
Third may be Sofie. Better known as Yu-chan. Yu-chan knows me a lot. I enjoy every second I spend with her, and all of my best concerts involves a Yu-chan. I feel so hurt when she's down and she says she selfish and will not tell me why. But that's her way of "not concerning me". Fss, doesn't work btw.
Aya will have place here too. I haven't been writing with her a lot, but I feel she knows me well. Which is freaky cuz I don't know if I know her just as well. I might just have had a weakness when it comes to her. I've been opening up fast, but hey. I had a day down and then I don't care who I write too. So, Aya is placed here too. I will not tell her real name, cuz she's thinking of changing it.
In here is also Nadja (Sugar), Sonya (Lovi), Mari (Kitty), Martina and Nathalie. Mari, Martina and Nathalie I met on a special school. I knew Nadja from long time ago but we just started talking for a few years ago. I met Sonya on the internet and to some Cinema Bizarre concert. I cannot go into deep with everything, it will be too long this blogpost. Should have posted more blogs. XD
The last one to be mentioned is my one and only Katja called Bim. If you haven't read the last blogpost, read it to know what she means to me. She has her own categorie - she is my one and only. How you interpret it, I will leave to you. <3
My jealousy:
I'm a weird human. Many people often get jealous of people they don't know. Katja does, just as an example. But I don't. I get jealous of the people I know. I'll just make a true and honest and reliable example. This is my jealousy when it was worst. I have had a friend from the childhood. She hadn't been treating me very well all the time, yet I still saw her as my friend. Then I met Katja and she became my best friend. I talked proudly about her, cuz I was proud of her. Proud of being her friend. So I introduced them. They had fun. Way too much fun. It hurt whenever Katja wrote she loved her. And it was always backwards. I wasn't the only one saying I loved Katja now. I still not am, but things changed. My childhood friend started getting jealous of me being Katjas best friend. So she did everything to make me feel worthless. Whenever I confronted her she said she had no idea what I was talking about. I told Katja about it. I felt so unworthy. I could have been killing myself, just to make sure that Katja and my childhood friend could be together without me being a burden. But I grew older, realized that I had to move on - told my childhood friend to stay away from me. It still makes me jealous knowing that they're having a good time, but I try not to think about it, cuz I know she bothering everybody sometimes too. And I know it lifted a huge burden from my shoulders to say goodbye. And to be honest, I don't want her to have a good life. She can screw to hell.
My friends.
If a certain friend read this, she'll probably feel jealous and bad but she doesn't have to. Yeah..
My friends means a hell lot to me, I described them a little before. But I'll just make a clear describtion of them now. God, it's going to be long this post. XD Think we'll skip the pain for next time.
Anyway :) My friends.
Why don't we start out with those who mean something to me, but aren't the ones that mean a lot to me, eh?
In here we got Sarah (Miss Universe). Sarah is a friend and she's amazing. Even though she have her own problems and such, it really means a lot to me that she hasn't given up on me. So, yeah.
Mia, also know as Loch Ness, is my little monster. No, she's a great friend, and I really care about her. I fucking do. Even though she's so young.
Murloc, also named Clara, is someone I've been writing with for.... a year or so. I just have fun writing with her. She's a really weird person, God. XD
Simone AKA Molly will be in here too. I think. Sweet girl, she really cares for me. I don't understand why though. Anyway, it doesn't matter - I care for her too.
And now the friends that means a lot to me. I don't know if I can explain why.
First we got Mathilde, whom I call Katjakaj and Sierra Prentiss. Mathilde is really someone meaning a lot to me. Although we might is very different it doesn't matter, cuz somehow I feel a connection. I just don't wanna lose her. But if it happens, I'll just remember her as a very good friend, and it will be good memories. Maybe it will work out better when we meet.
Second Mai have this spot. There's always the honorific -chan on her name, but she was called Mai by her parents. Mai means... a lot. She helped me out in a lot of moments. I owe her a lot and I know that I'm one of her best friends too. She trusts me. That is a big honour cuz she don't trust many.
Third may be Sofie. Better known as Yu-chan. Yu-chan knows me a lot. I enjoy every second I spend with her, and all of my best concerts involves a Yu-chan. I feel so hurt when she's down and she says she selfish and will not tell me why. But that's her way of "not concerning me". Fss, doesn't work btw.
Aya will have place here too. I haven't been writing with her a lot, but I feel she knows me well. Which is freaky cuz I don't know if I know her just as well. I might just have had a weakness when it comes to her. I've been opening up fast, but hey. I had a day down and then I don't care who I write too. So, Aya is placed here too. I will not tell her real name, cuz she's thinking of changing it.
In here is also Nadja (Sugar), Sonya (Lovi), Mari (Kitty), Martina and Nathalie. Mari, Martina and Nathalie I met on a special school. I knew Nadja from long time ago but we just started talking for a few years ago. I met Sonya on the internet and to some Cinema Bizarre concert. I cannot go into deep with everything, it will be too long this blogpost. Should have posted more blogs. XD
The last one to be mentioned is my one and only Katja called Bim. If you haven't read the last blogpost, read it to know what she means to me. She has her own categorie - she is my one and only. How you interpret it, I will leave to you. <3
Picture of Gullfoss.
tirsdag den 28. september 2010
Some lovestory.
Okay, first - before I start the 'lovestory' I'll just apologize that I forgot the title in the last post. I'm so sorry!
Righ. Lovestory. Aha.
Well, this is about Katja and I. It shouldn't be a surprise to anybody and it'll might end up sounding like a true lesbian lovestory, which it isn't. It's just a story about a true friendship and an ending that tells how much I care for somebody I never thought possible. Well'well. To better start it off somewhere.
I was 15, turned 16. She was 13. We were both writing novells and other short stories. No big deal, just for fun. No future job, only for the pleasure of writing. We met in a novell-writing-school on the internet. Nothing professional, only for fun. Just the way it was supposed to be. Young and free. Not bound to depressive thoughts or anything else. She was excellent and so was I. People loved us. And she sent an email to me. Asking me about few things. It wasn't anything big. Talking about what we wanted when we grew older, talking about what we loved doing. But somehow the first mail connected us more than any other possible mail. We were talking about going to an amusement park which I had never visited - never met each other, just feeling in our hearts, that it would be amazing. And then she deleted her account and I felt disappointed. Didn't we share more than that? More than this single conversation? Was the bound.... that bad? But no, it wasn't. A few days afterwards she contacted me again on another account. And we started writing more deeply. Arranged a meeting - it was cancelled. Arranged another meeting. Called to each other to make sure this was right. Talked for an hour, the first time we heard each others voices. An amazing feeling filled me, especially the time we met. The time I saw her eyes, her smile, her face, her hair. Everything. It just gave me some feeling that this was more than common friendships. We wrote a hell lot after that, met each other more. It wasn't like we were making a friendship, we had it from the beginning. Then I had my depressive thoughts, she got hers. Not making any difference but bounding us more. We both were afraid it was more than friendship. Would a relationship change everything? Would it ruin our friendship if it wouldn't work out? I was sure it wouldn't. I loved her too much to never let go. Not even if we argued and broke up. She still had her doubts. So it was a friendship. And here we are now. Best friends - bound closer than most people. We don't need to make a lot to make sure we have a good time. When I hold her close I feel safe. I feel like I am exactly were I belong. In her arms. When I don't see her for 7 days my heart starts aching. It's hard for me. I'm crying because I miss her. I never cried because of that. But I do cry. I find it so hard to be away from her. I find it so hard to say goodbye. I had my jealous times. Whenever she said she loved, especially one person, I felt my heart torn apart. If she loved that person more than me, I wouldn't be a burden. I made her cry. More than once. But I couldn't let go. Then she fell in love with a guy and I started feeling so little. But I know that she loves me most. She keeps telling me. So now it's my turn. My turn to say that I love her the most. I have never given my heart to any other people. I could lose my family, my house, my friends - I could lose my everything if only she was safe and close to me. If only she loved me. Songs remind me of her, makes me cry because of love. Because I miss her, as said before. I cannot say she's my girlfriend, because she is not. But the words 'best friend' seems so worthless. They're not enough to explain what she is. So, normally I say she's my life. Which is very dramatically. But whatever it is, it's the truth. I keep babling, for so long. But I want to describe this as much as I can. A lot of lyrics makes it clear - they're all real lovesongs. Not songs to describe a friendship. Maybe this is true love. I don't know. I just know that if she asked me to be hers my answer would be yes. As said in the last post - if she wants me, I want her. If not, I might still want her but it wouldn't matter. As long as she's by my side. As long as she believes in me. As long as I love her.
Righ. Lovestory. Aha.
Well, this is about Katja and I. It shouldn't be a surprise to anybody and it'll might end up sounding like a true lesbian lovestory, which it isn't. It's just a story about a true friendship and an ending that tells how much I care for somebody I never thought possible. Well'well. To better start it off somewhere.
I was 15, turned 16. She was 13. We were both writing novells and other short stories. No big deal, just for fun. No future job, only for the pleasure of writing. We met in a novell-writing-school on the internet. Nothing professional, only for fun. Just the way it was supposed to be. Young and free. Not bound to depressive thoughts or anything else. She was excellent and so was I. People loved us. And she sent an email to me. Asking me about few things. It wasn't anything big. Talking about what we wanted when we grew older, talking about what we loved doing. But somehow the first mail connected us more than any other possible mail. We were talking about going to an amusement park which I had never visited - never met each other, just feeling in our hearts, that it would be amazing. And then she deleted her account and I felt disappointed. Didn't we share more than that? More than this single conversation? Was the bound.... that bad? But no, it wasn't. A few days afterwards she contacted me again on another account. And we started writing more deeply. Arranged a meeting - it was cancelled. Arranged another meeting. Called to each other to make sure this was right. Talked for an hour, the first time we heard each others voices. An amazing feeling filled me, especially the time we met. The time I saw her eyes, her smile, her face, her hair. Everything. It just gave me some feeling that this was more than common friendships. We wrote a hell lot after that, met each other more. It wasn't like we were making a friendship, we had it from the beginning. Then I had my depressive thoughts, she got hers. Not making any difference but bounding us more. We both were afraid it was more than friendship. Would a relationship change everything? Would it ruin our friendship if it wouldn't work out? I was sure it wouldn't. I loved her too much to never let go. Not even if we argued and broke up. She still had her doubts. So it was a friendship. And here we are now. Best friends - bound closer than most people. We don't need to make a lot to make sure we have a good time. When I hold her close I feel safe. I feel like I am exactly were I belong. In her arms. When I don't see her for 7 days my heart starts aching. It's hard for me. I'm crying because I miss her. I never cried because of that. But I do cry. I find it so hard to be away from her. I find it so hard to say goodbye. I had my jealous times. Whenever she said she loved, especially one person, I felt my heart torn apart. If she loved that person more than me, I wouldn't be a burden. I made her cry. More than once. But I couldn't let go. Then she fell in love with a guy and I started feeling so little. But I know that she loves me most. She keeps telling me. So now it's my turn. My turn to say that I love her the most. I have never given my heart to any other people. I could lose my family, my house, my friends - I could lose my everything if only she was safe and close to me. If only she loved me. Songs remind me of her, makes me cry because of love. Because I miss her, as said before. I cannot say she's my girlfriend, because she is not. But the words 'best friend' seems so worthless. They're not enough to explain what she is. So, normally I say she's my life. Which is very dramatically. But whatever it is, it's the truth. I keep babling, for so long. But I want to describe this as much as I can. A lot of lyrics makes it clear - they're all real lovesongs. Not songs to describe a friendship. Maybe this is true love. I don't know. I just know that if she asked me to be hers my answer would be yes. As said in the last post - if she wants me, I want her. If not, I might still want her but it wouldn't matter. As long as she's by my side. As long as she believes in me. As long as I love her.
Oh wauw. I was stunned when I came back from Iceland. Amazing trip btw. It was... stunning, yeah. I can't even explain what the nature looks like, it really is simply amazing. Lavastones everywhere and volcanos, hot water, geyser, whales, river rafting, cafés. You name it. Waterfalls!! OO Gullfoss is.... so amazing. Cannot be described. I mean, we saw pictures from Gullfoss before we took off, but standing on a cliff so close to death and beauty and... It cannot be described.
I will post one of my favorite pictures of Gullfoss. But, all in all - I had an amazing trip. <3
----
So'so, I have to... tell something about my life. But you see, it's a lot easier for me to write a long blogpost about misery than about happiness. It's like theres nothing to tell, when I'm happy, even though there of course are. There will always be something to tell somebody. When I'm happy I kinda walks around saying "Oh, I'm happy!" to make sure nobody cares when my depressive thoughts darkens my mind. XD But of course somebody will always worry and that somebody will always be Katja. Oh God, I miss her. I will be crying tears tonight, when I start seeing her eyes in front of mine, when I imagine her hand in mine. I sound like a lesbian, I might be. Oh, I might be in love with her. Maybe'maybe. It doesn't matter - I miss her! I fucking love her! If she wants to me to be her girlfriend I would say yes. And if she doesn't I woldn't say anything. Nothing matters as long as we're together. I feel so lonely when she's not with me. I need to post another blog saying more about this..
Peace out
~Yuki
I will post one of my favorite pictures of Gullfoss. But, all in all - I had an amazing trip. <3
----
So'so, I have to... tell something about my life. But you see, it's a lot easier for me to write a long blogpost about misery than about happiness. It's like theres nothing to tell, when I'm happy, even though there of course are. There will always be something to tell somebody. When I'm happy I kinda walks around saying "Oh, I'm happy!" to make sure nobody cares when my depressive thoughts darkens my mind. XD But of course somebody will always worry and that somebody will always be Katja. Oh God, I miss her. I will be crying tears tonight, when I start seeing her eyes in front of mine, when I imagine her hand in mine. I sound like a lesbian, I might be. Oh, I might be in love with her. Maybe'maybe. It doesn't matter - I miss her! I fucking love her! If she wants to me to be her girlfriend I would say yes. And if she doesn't I woldn't say anything. Nothing matters as long as we're together. I feel so lonely when she's not with me. I need to post another blog saying more about this..
Peace out
~Yuki
torsdag den 16. september 2010
Great.
Great. I honestly don't know how to say it better than 'great' hopefully mixed with a hell lot of sarcarsm and irony. Nothing's great right now. Absolutely just nothing. I'm going to Iceland in... 2 days and right now everything seems so fucked up. Yo, don't we all love life, huh? Not.
So, if I just start of with my self in this screwed up thing (and this will take from now and till forever) I have to start it off with a 'screw everything'. I'm not suicidal right now, no no - nothing like that. It's just... screw everything. I don't wanna eat, I really HATE myself for needing the food. And today I just ate like I haven't been eating for years, which I have. I've cut down my food a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm not eating. I am. A little. I want anorexia to be precise. That's an amazing illness. Imagine that - not eating. It would be like flying. Oh, food is a hell. If I said that out loud to any grown-up they would put in therapy with any other thought. Thinking I'm mentally ill, which I possibly are. Insane. Say it to me - out loud. You.Are.Insane. And depressive thoughts are back where they supposed to be. Close to me and my soul. They cannot separate us, cuz you're part of me. My safety, my heaven, my friend. I've actually wanted to call them 'Debbie' but nobody would understand. It just makes sence to me. Ana is anorexia - Debbie is my depressive thoughts. Yuki, Ana and Debbie. An amazing cocktail - one paradise on earth. I don't wanna finish school either - I simply cannot see an end to any kind of that torture. And gym classes are the worst. It's not like I'm ditching, I'm just having amazing reasons to stay away. Shoulderpain, headaches, illness. All the time. God, I cannot even go deep down into my own misery now, because I'm so mad that another friend of mine is feeling misery. Why in the world is anything like this supposed to be their fault?! It isn't! They shouldn't be treated like I do. Debbie belongs to me - not to them. Misty (misery) is mine. Not theirs. For crying out loud - I never wanted this to happen to any of my friends. I'm the one with these feelings. Now every adult wants to put me in therapy and such terrible idiotic things. Debbie is mine - just like I said before. Misty, Debbie, Ana and I. Stop trying to take her away from me. I love her! I cannot let go of her. I want to be happy but with her. No one has to share Debbie. Not therapist and especially not my friends. They should be happy. That would make it easier for me to hide my pain. My low selfconfidence, everything. My sickening feeling of living. But NOBODY but me. I'm repeating over and over again. How is this possible? Yuki - stop.
I'm with Debbie right now, but I'm happy. I hope my friends see happiness too but without Debbie. I want them to be happy. Pure and innocent. Angels. Happy.
So, if I just start of with my self in this screwed up thing (and this will take from now and till forever) I have to start it off with a 'screw everything'. I'm not suicidal right now, no no - nothing like that. It's just... screw everything. I don't wanna eat, I really HATE myself for needing the food. And today I just ate like I haven't been eating for years, which I have. I've cut down my food a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm not eating. I am. A little. I want anorexia to be precise. That's an amazing illness. Imagine that - not eating. It would be like flying. Oh, food is a hell. If I said that out loud to any grown-up they would put in therapy with any other thought. Thinking I'm mentally ill, which I possibly are. Insane. Say it to me - out loud. You.Are.Insane. And depressive thoughts are back where they supposed to be. Close to me and my soul. They cannot separate us, cuz you're part of me. My safety, my heaven, my friend. I've actually wanted to call them 'Debbie' but nobody would understand. It just makes sence to me. Ana is anorexia - Debbie is my depressive thoughts. Yuki, Ana and Debbie. An amazing cocktail - one paradise on earth. I don't wanna finish school either - I simply cannot see an end to any kind of that torture. And gym classes are the worst. It's not like I'm ditching, I'm just having amazing reasons to stay away. Shoulderpain, headaches, illness. All the time. God, I cannot even go deep down into my own misery now, because I'm so mad that another friend of mine is feeling misery. Why in the world is anything like this supposed to be their fault?! It isn't! They shouldn't be treated like I do. Debbie belongs to me - not to them. Misty (misery) is mine. Not theirs. For crying out loud - I never wanted this to happen to any of my friends. I'm the one with these feelings. Now every adult wants to put me in therapy and such terrible idiotic things. Debbie is mine - just like I said before. Misty, Debbie, Ana and I. Stop trying to take her away from me. I love her! I cannot let go of her. I want to be happy but with her. No one has to share Debbie. Not therapist and especially not my friends. They should be happy. That would make it easier for me to hide my pain. My low selfconfidence, everything. My sickening feeling of living. But NOBODY but me. I'm repeating over and over again. How is this possible? Yuki - stop.
I'm with Debbie right now, but I'm happy. I hope my friends see happiness too but without Debbie. I want them to be happy. Pure and innocent. Angels. Happy.
onsdag den 1. september 2010
Made in school.
So, right now I'm sitting here - that's actually quite cool. (y) No, it's not. I had a biiiiig mess-up yesterday so it wouldn't be weird if I was down today, and I'll say I'm not as happy as I could be. Uhm, I think I should tell you why I was totally down yesterday. I actually went crying, went to the graveyard and made a prayer for God. Which was odd. But'but, I'll just tell you why I did all these things.
Bim, my life, wrote a message to me in the morning saying she didn't want to live. Oh well, it didn't say that - it said "I'm tired of everything and I want to go fucking disappear cuz everybody hates me and I hate my own jealousy of my friends." Bohoo, I went down. First of all, I love her and I know her jealousy very well - so to say that really hurt me. And I wrote to her all the time. Told her never to stop writing to me. And she promised me that she would stay alive until I'm going to meet her saturday. And I started crying in biology class, it was horrible. ): I'm never'ever doing that again. NEVER. But it happened the way it did - nothing to do about it. And I couldn't go to my economic class, which was why I dumped it and went to the graveyard instead. I was almost crying over there too, remembering the pain when I got a phone call, telling me Tim had died (my best friend).. It was painful, really painful. So I just remembered him, remembered us and I remembered the feeling of losing him - just to prevent the feeling from happen again if I lost Bim and then I prayed to God. In front of a stone saying "We know God".. Prayed for Bim and Tim and begged God to safe Bim, cuz I cannot let her go. Not the same way as Tim left me, and definetely not if she decided to go by herself by comitting suicide. So, hard day yesterday - really hard day. Ended up being all dizzy and tired and had to go to bed early, which I didn't want to because I was finally writing with Tullem again, I just couldn't be awake. Slept 3 hours, but doesn't matter - I'm happy, cuz Bim's happy today. Whether it's Bill and Tom's birthday doing it - I don't care. They're my friends and I love them for that, Bill's like my older brother - BUT if they help Bim to become happy, they could be everything to me. Everything. <3
But, today I'm "happy". Nah, I'm never happy these days. (: But never mind that - I'm happier. ^^, And writing this in school - but this isn't a celebrationsday as Jack's birthday were. Jack always will be my older brother and Bill can never be any better. But well, they could be both and Jack's older. So, it's great. <3
Sayounara, mata nee. <3
Bim, my life, wrote a message to me in the morning saying she didn't want to live. Oh well, it didn't say that - it said "I'm tired of everything and I want to go fucking disappear cuz everybody hates me and I hate my own jealousy of my friends." Bohoo, I went down. First of all, I love her and I know her jealousy very well - so to say that really hurt me. And I wrote to her all the time. Told her never to stop writing to me. And she promised me that she would stay alive until I'm going to meet her saturday. And I started crying in biology class, it was horrible. ): I'm never'ever doing that again. NEVER. But it happened the way it did - nothing to do about it. And I couldn't go to my economic class, which was why I dumped it and went to the graveyard instead. I was almost crying over there too, remembering the pain when I got a phone call, telling me Tim had died (my best friend).. It was painful, really painful. So I just remembered him, remembered us and I remembered the feeling of losing him - just to prevent the feeling from happen again if I lost Bim and then I prayed to God. In front of a stone saying "We know God".. Prayed for Bim and Tim and begged God to safe Bim, cuz I cannot let her go. Not the same way as Tim left me, and definetely not if she decided to go by herself by comitting suicide. So, hard day yesterday - really hard day. Ended up being all dizzy and tired and had to go to bed early, which I didn't want to because I was finally writing with Tullem again, I just couldn't be awake. Slept 3 hours, but doesn't matter - I'm happy, cuz Bim's happy today. Whether it's Bill and Tom's birthday doing it - I don't care. They're my friends and I love them for that, Bill's like my older brother - BUT if they help Bim to become happy, they could be everything to me. Everything. <3
But, today I'm "happy". Nah, I'm never happy these days. (: But never mind that - I'm happier. ^^, And writing this in school - but this isn't a celebrationsday as Jack's birthday were. Jack always will be my older brother and Bill can never be any better. But well, they could be both and Jack's older. So, it's great. <3
Sayounara, mata nee. <3
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