Some lovestory.

Okay, first - before I start the 'lovestory' I'll just apologize that I forgot the title in the last post. I'm so sorry!

Righ. Lovestory. Aha.

Well, this is about Katja and I. It shouldn't be a surprise to anybody and it'll might end up sounding like a true lesbian lovestory, which it isn't. It's just a story about a true friendship and an ending that tells how much I care for somebody I never thought possible. Well'well. To better start it off somewhere.

I was 15, turned 16. She was 13. We were both writing novells and other short stories. No big deal, just for fun. No future job, only for the pleasure of writing. We met in a novell-writing-school on the internet. Nothing professional, only for fun. Just the way it was supposed to be. Young and free. Not bound to depressive thoughts or anything else. She was excellent and so was I. People loved us. And she sent an email to me. Asking me about few things. It wasn't anything big. Talking about what we wanted when we grew older, talking about what we loved doing. But somehow the first mail connected us more than any other possible mail. We were talking about going to an amusement park which I had never visited - never met each other, just feeling in our hearts, that it would be amazing. And then she deleted her account and I felt disappointed. Didn't we share more than that? More than this single conversation? Was the bound.... that bad? But no, it wasn't. A few days afterwards she contacted me again on another account. And we started writing more deeply. Arranged a meeting - it was cancelled. Arranged another meeting. Called to each other to make sure this was right. Talked for an hour, the first time we heard each others voices. An amazing feeling filled me, especially the time we met. The time I saw her eyes, her smile, her face, her hair. Everything. It just gave me some feeling that this was more than common friendships. We wrote a hell lot after that, met each other more. It wasn't like we were making a friendship, we had it from the beginning. Then I had my depressive thoughts, she got hers. Not making any difference but bounding us more. We both were afraid it was more than friendship. Would a relationship change everything? Would it ruin our friendship if it wouldn't work out? I was sure it wouldn't. I loved her too much to never let go. Not even if we argued and broke up. She still had her doubts. So it was a friendship. And here we are now. Best friends - bound closer than most people. We don't need to make a lot to make sure we have a good time. When I hold her close I feel safe. I feel like I am exactly were I belong. In her arms. When I don't see her for 7 days my heart starts aching. It's hard for me. I'm crying because I miss her. I never cried because of that. But I do cry. I find it so hard to be away from her. I find it so hard to say goodbye. I had my jealous times. Whenever she said she loved, especially one person, I felt my heart torn apart. If she loved that person more than me, I wouldn't be a burden. I made her cry. More than once. But I couldn't let go. Then she fell in love with a guy and I started feeling so little. But I know that she loves me most. She keeps telling me. So now it's my turn. My turn to say that I love her the most. I have never given my heart to any other people. I could lose my family, my house, my friends - I could lose my everything if only she was safe and close to me. If only she loved me. Songs remind me of her, makes me cry because of love. Because I miss her, as said before. I cannot say she's my girlfriend, because she is not. But the words 'best friend' seems so worthless. They're not enough to explain what she is. So, normally I say she's my life. Which is very dramatically. But whatever it is, it's the truth. I keep babling, for so long. But I want to describe this as much as I can. A lot of lyrics makes it clear - they're all real lovesongs. Not songs to describe a friendship. Maybe this is true love. I don't know. I just know that if she asked me to be hers my answer would be yes. As said in the last post - if she wants me, I want her. If not, I might still want her but it wouldn't matter. As long as she's by my side. As long as she believes in me. As long as I love her.