Normal?

Am I normal? No. Why is the question so easy to answer. Why do I feel so confused? Why do every part of me pull in the wrong way? Why does my heart tell me the wrong things? I could keep questioning myself. Why, why, why? And there are no answer to be found. Only one. One single answer. I'm not normal. I'm the opposite. I doesn't look like one. I doesn't act like one. I feel like one. I think like one. I can't even describe it. I just know it. My head is confused. Everytime. It's easier to lie than to tell the thruth. My entire life could be a lie. The day I was born. It isn't yet I feel it is. No, I feel it should be. I keep babbling about nothing important. I'm not normal - where did all this shit even come from? Me. It came from me. The little girl, sitting behind the screen, writing those letters, making these words to make you understand how little I feel. How stupid I feel. How riddiculous I feel. And I have no reason to feel this way. For crying out loud, my life aren't more unnormal than another 18 year-old girl. Actually I've been lucky, I guess. Yet I doesn't feel lucky. My life is like a ruined castle, melted away with the wind. My soul is like the ocean. So deep nobody knows what's hidden deep down. Not even I. I'm just as confused as everybody else. They know me better than I do. Not that I'm proud of it. Well yeah, I'm so freaking fucking not-proud of being who I am. Don't bother even telling me, that I'm the only one that can change the facts. I know, I know. I'm not dumb. I know a lot of things, yet it doesn't seem to work. The hidden paranoia. The hidden fear. The hidden anger. Everywhere. Not on the surface. I broke down once, it'll never happen again. Nobody is to see how I feel. Nobody is to see how it hurts to be me. How it hurts to think the way I do. Nobody is to see who I am. Because I'm hiding it. I've been building up walls. And who would believe when I smiling told the thruth? "I'm still feeling bad!" Nobody believes me. That's the way it's supposed to be. I'm glad nobody believes me. Life doesn't goes on, it goes away. And yet I don't feel like having a reason to feel this way. I'm safe now, why do I write this? Because when I wake up tomorrow all safety left me again. Like yesterday and the yesterdays yesterday. All the time. It hurts me. All the time. Now, I just want you to go away with the knowledge, I'm not normal. I'm not normal. I'm just a girl. A girl with a broken soul. A girl that's hiding because of nothing. Nothing but fear. Nothing but faith. I'm sorry.