Punishment

I just need this out of my world. Cuz my life sucks. It have been this way for a couple of weeks now and my mind simply cannot let go. Not this time. Last time I wrote depressive I was begging someone to kill me. Now I'm begging someone to remove me from this hell I'm living in.

Katja and I had an argument. No, it wasn't like an argument. But I was devastated anyway. And I really cried. Felt like a bad friend. Everybody tells me "Why did you feel like a bad friend?" but I did. I really did. I was horrible, stupid. This wasn't the thing it was supposed to be. Why wasn't everything happiness? Like someone once proved me. But he didn't kept his promised. It tore me apart, my heart was broken. I spoke with Katja, we cleared it all out. But I still felt bad about it. Still felt like a worthless worm. I was good for nothing. I was just a sad silhouette. Something everybody was better off without. That evening I let the knife run over my skin. The scissor and the neel. And I didn't felt the pain. Which made it so much better. Hated my self for the fact that I was cutting. But it felt so nice. It felt like this was the only thing I was supposed to do. To punish myself for what I had done in my entire life. For everything I haven't done in my entire life. It somehow made me happy. Then I got this obsession with calories. Started to focus on burning them 24/7. Wanted them out. Hated them. Ate almost nothing but carrots and water. I was so focused on getting thin. I found thinspo-pictures all the time. I wanted to be them. I wanted to be as thin as those. They were truly beautiful. I was looking horrible. No wonder people avoided me. And for the right reason, after all. I wasn't worth meeting and I knew that all too well. I sat up a goal - I wanted to be  underweight. I wanted to be so fucking thin that everybody would believe I was going to die. I wanted to be nothing but bones. Told people not to say a fucking word until I lost the 7 kg. I wanted to lose. Put pictures on facebook and Katja and Amy told me one of them were gross. It was disgusting being that thin. I loved it. I loved her body - it was beautiful. It was thin. I wanted to be that thin. And it became weekend and for some reason I started eating again. Hated my self for this - it wasn't burning calories at all. But I felt good when I was eating. All the time, eating'eating'eating. Still doing motion, of course. I couldn't let go of the feeling of burning calories. And I'm sure that if I lived all by myself it would have been a disaster. It would have been gone out of control cuz it's my parents faults I haven't developed anorexia nervosa yet. Though I'm not that sick - I could easy turn out to be. I want to be sick. I want a diagnosis. And I want a thin body. Which is a problem for me. But, I think I lost 1 kg. already, though I'm not sure. It just feels like some of it has gone away. For which I'm happy. Tuesday I messed up again. I cried all night again, was cutting deeper than anything. And the fact that the only thing I'm proud of is my scars makes it difficult for me to hide them. I know it sounds ridiculous. Proud?! Of scars I made by myself?! I gotta be insane. But I am proud of them. I think the only beautiful thing on my body is my scars on my arm. I'm clinging onto my arm, making sure I'm not going to commit suicide. But I messed up Tuesday, big time. It ended up, I'm telling my father about the "argument" with Katja and me being a bisexual. Something I have never'ever thought about telling any of my parents. And he didn't understood why I punished myself with the feelings of being a bad human. And I know they're related to my depressive thoughts and I can't tell him or mother about them. They're secrets. They're my friend in need. And they're mine. I don't think he quite understood, but it felt horrible to disappoint them. Tomorrow I'm going to Rachels birthday. All alone, only me. Everybody else has been invited to saturday. But I cannot go look one of them in the eyes, I simply can't. My mind would focus on so many other things. And I need a day off with Rachel. Just me and her. Cuz we have actually never been together, just the two of us, and I want that. I want a day with an amazing friend. And she is amazing. I love her. And it makes sure I can go visit my family 300 km. away from us.

I will finish this but, stay tuned. God, shouldn't have said that. Nevermind. I'll be off now - doing some motion. Bye.