I do hate life.

What a depressive title. I wasn't even because I wanted this blogpost to be depressive. I just wanted to write my thoughts down - they will possibly turn depressive at some point.
WARNING: WEIRD THOUGHTS - MAKE NO SENSE.
Ready, set, GO.

Since Tuesday I've had this weird mood. I'm never really mad, I'm never really sad. But I'm not happy at the same time. It's like I'm cold and cynical and again, it feels like I've got so much selfconfidence. When I walk, when I sing. I screw on every people I meet who is looking at me like I'm some psycho. Yet it affects me even more when the people I love are hurt or worse. That doesn't sound cold and cynical. But I really feel frozen. At some point. I'm afraid of losing people everywhere near me even though I know I wont. Sometimes it feels like I'm hiding from being proud of the people whom I love. Just to make sure they wont leave me. It's so awkward! I don't even know why. I don't even know a fucking shit about my mind right now. I wanna go all emo and cut the night long - but then, I just feel like not doing it, because I know it'll bring back some thoughts I've happier without. L.I.A.R.
Should never have written that. Now I'm clinging onto my arm to make sure, I'm not going to hurt myself more than good is. But it's not just this. It's everything. I've been saying that I am bisexual - now I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea what is wrong with me. The only guy I have EVER felt attracted to is Marcel - though he is attracting me more than anybody. But that is fake attraction. Now I start dreaming about Bill. I mean, that's not good. Wauw - if only somebody would read this and give me the chance to look them both in the eye and say sorry. I don't know why I would be the one to apologize, but it feels right. I have to apologize for being attracted by them. They did nothing but doing their job, enjoying it. They do nothing but doing their job and they're still enjoying what they're doing. Why can't I just forget about them?! Why do I have to have this weird feelings. And suddenly my mind made up another potential girlfriend. I don't know why. Nobody should be talking to me and then she suddenly just asked me questions. Not weird, we were having a complete normal conversation, but then she went to the private chat and disappeared. Does she know I'm bisexual? I know she's a lesbian. Whoa whoa whoa - cut it Yuki. It sure gets too confusing for everybody to follow through - including you. My mind is a mess.
I feel like crying but I cannot. I miss Cinema Bizarre. It's not just they guys - they have their lifes. They're amazing. It's not just the music. It's the feeling they brought to me. The feeling of hope. Of pureness. Of... Of life. It's just not the same. I have never felt a longing this much to something I cannot hold. It's like sand slipping out of my fist. I cannot hold onto it, though I try hard. I try harder than anything. I could be screaming in sleep - screaming for Cinema Bizarre. But in the mess of missing Cinema Bizarre, I'm grateful to Tokio Hotel. Tokio Hotel is definetely not Cinema Bizarre and they will never be. But they brought some of that pureness back to my life. Hope disappeared with Cinema Bizarre but Tokio Hotel brought back a little piece of my life. A little fact. They saved me when Cinema Bizarre broke up. Was torn apart. On my wall a lot of Tokio Hotel quotes hang - over my mirror. The ones who catches the eye the most are 'I'm crashing' and 'Don't you panic'. Well - they're songquotes, yeah sure. They are. But c'mon. You would know me well enough to know that this is more than just quotes from two songs. Those are two sentences my life are build upon. I never really thought about before now, but they are. I am crashing - that's a fact. But I try to stay controlled. Sinking in control. I cannot panic - then everybody will know about this.
I'm a bad girl. Not obvious - I hide a lot of facts, apparently. I'm stalking people I love and people I hate. I'm happy when it goes the people I dislike bad. I'm so happy about it. I want them to go die in hell, for what they did to me. But the fact is, they only did it to me. So why do I wish them this bad luck - because I'm a bad human being. What would be another explanation? God, if only I could disappear. But I can't. That would be letting Katja down. And I can't let her down. People can say what they want to say - they often say what they want to, though they aren't allowed, but I can never let her down. No matter how sad my life feels. And nobody seems to understand. Why doesn't anybody understand me? I'm all alone in this. Nobody has ever connected to another human being this way. It's not even love. It's something deeper. I'm not in love with Katja - I'm afraid of losing her. I think my fear may is connecting the bond to her even more. Complicated stuff, complicated stuff - shut up Yuki.
I don't want to lie anymore but I don't want to tell the thruth either. That's what's makes it so difficult for me to do this shit. No, not writing blog - it's rather easy for me to do cuz nobody is going to read it. Especially not when I'm making these long blogposts. Nobody wants to. Nobody cares for me. Uhm, I actually wanted to comment my name in this blogpost too. When I realized the true meaning of my name I was all "I AM really a rare person". All shit. And I told Rachs and I told Katja. Rachs thought it was nice - that was her only comment. Katja was more like "that's true. You are a rare person. I've never met anyone like you. There's only one of you." I felt so "noooo", and at the same time I was really touched at this. It was like backing up my own thoughts, but these were so much more serious. They were said in thruth. Mine wasn't. It confused me, I think. So now, I'm just honoured it's my name.
I really could be babling for hours, but I don't have the time and I don't really want to make that long a blogpost. It will creep everybody who enters my blog totally out. So, goodnight. Sleep tight, sweet dreams and do not have this complicated mind. It sucks.