Everybodys fool.

I'm so disappointed in myself. How come my world crashed so much. In the weekend I realized how much more aggressive I've become. My younger sister, whom I'm so proud of and love so much, have lost all of her self confidence. Now she seeks to negative attention and it annoys me so. I took myself in telling myself to totally ignore her. Not because I wanted to. I know that my own development to the worse have affected her so much. So much more than I ever wanted it to. She sees the great person in me. To her I'm an idol. And I'm a horrible one. I wish I could tell her how proud I am of her. I wish I could tell her how amazing she are. But I can't. Not without revealing my depression. And she's so young. Even my mother commented it. Said we have always had something special. The worst is, I've forgotten every positive memory I ever had. Every positive feeling disappears in a few days. I can act. Act so fucking well. So many people tells me to see something positive in myself; i can't. If they ask to tell what I enjoy doing I got no clue. In the moment I enjoy being with my friends but the second I left them, I forget why I enjoyed so much, when it all, in the end, is the feeling of being kicked away. The feeling of not being good enough. And it know it is. Deep down inside I sometimes can push away the negative thoughts and remember the positive. But... It's so rare now. My future is hopeless, my past is forgotten. My present is negative. I have no idea what to do. I'm not even stuck. I'm just.. lost. I know people love me, but it just feels like a lie. All sweet words, all they say. All about never forgetting me. It feels like one big lie. 'There's nothing better than a good lie'. I see it everywhere. Lie. Lie. Lie. I went to the city to buy the christmas presents for my friends and found myself on the edge to tears all the time. Not because I wanted to. Nothing bad had happened that day. It was so depressing knowing that I was meant to be alone. Everybody had someone they where with. Someone they were returning to. I felt like all alone. I was bound to be walking the street in the snow all alone. It was the perfect picture on everything I've ever imagined. A girl walking down the street in snow, no one with her, no one looking at her. That girl was me. That girl is me. That girl will always be me. I don't know why I ever cracked down. I should have just killed myself. Long time ago. The psychiatrist said herself; I'm beyond help. The worst is, it doesn't feel this bad when I'm not thinking about it. I just know it. Deep down inside. I punish everyone around me. Everyone I care about. Everyone I love. They all... get tired of me. They should get. I don't deserve them. But I cannot let go. They are the only feeling of being loved. The only feeling of being able to help anyone. The only feeling of doing anything good in this world. And now I've just disappointed everyone around me.

Yu-chan, I love you so much. I'm so sorry. Really. I am! It's just.. You've done nothing wrong, I have. I'm so sorry I acted that way. My bad. I don't wanna pull you away. I really don't want to. I'm just such a failure. I really hope you understand. I really do. I can only apologize. I love you.. I love you!

I'm such a failure. I'm so sorry. I don't want to anymore. I'm so sick and tired of being me. I'm so sick and tired of acting. I'm so sick and tired of all bad things. I'm so sick and tired of life. I'm sick...